Finding My [New?] Voice

When people ask me about my hobbies and favorite things to do, I always still list "writing" among the other things. However, if I'm totally honest, I really haven't written anything worthwhile in about four years. I've jotted vignettes, snippets, and scenarios as they have come to me, but I have not planned, drafted, and written anything seriously for a very long time.

After discussing this intently with a dear friend of mine who is a professional artist, she asked me to read a blog post by another writer who is not currently writing. This lady said that she had always written to fulfill a need - to while away loneliness, to express inner turmoil and emotion, or to communicate something that she couldn't say out loud. However, at the time she was writing this blog post, those needs weren't there for her anymore. Therefore, she did not have a need to write fiction at that time.

I have felt bad about abandoning my music studies and writing, but this woman's words rang very true with me as well. I have always written for similar reasons as hers, most importantly to fill up the emotional void left by having few friends and commitments in the early part of my life; but as my world has expanded to include real people, real drama, real commitments, and real emotions, I have felt less of a need to create those things in my imaginary world.

So I ask myself ... does that mean I shouldn't write anymore?

My answer is, I don't think that's what it means at all.

I believe that God gives each of us special gifts and talents, and that He wants us to use these to bless other people. For whatever reason, He chose to give me a passion for language - telling stories, describing beautiful things, giving a voice to the emotions and experiences that come with being human. And if this love of language really is a gift from Him, as I believe it is, then my responsibility to use it for His kingdom does not change according to whether I "feel" like writing or not.

Certainly, I write every day for classes and work; I write encouraging text messages and Facebook comments to people; and I use my language skills to clarify, explain, and bring peace as much as I can. All of these things are great, and definitely count as using my gifts for God's glory and to bless other believers. But I want to do more. Someday, I still want to write a book that will encourage and inspire believers and provide a space for the Holy Spirit to lovingly convict unbelievers. And if I'm going to do that, I need to keep practicing writing fiction.

I think the point is that, rather than my fiction writing becoming obsolete, it just needs to change and be updated to better reflect the things God has taught me in the last few years. Maybe the reason I haven't finished any of my old projects is because the old romances and adventure stories just aren't the right fit for me right now. Maybe I need to branch out and write about different kinds of protagonists, and put them in different kinds of settings. Maybe I need to say things that are smaller ... or maybe things that are bigger. Maybe it's time to move beyond simple boy-meets-girl stories and talk about things like war, and refugees, and the unity of the Church, and the importance of listening to each other.

***

Whatever the changes are that need to be made, I want to explore and tinker over the break and figure out what it is I'm supposed to be saying today, and how I'm supposed to be saying it. I have absolutely no idea what that even means at this point, but I do know that I don't want to give up creating my own stories. I don't want to just tell other people's stories my whole life; I want to put a bit of myself out there, too, and hope that that little bit of myself will resonate with a little bit of another self, who might be learning the same things I am.

I don't want to end the book ... I just want to move on to a new chapter.

***

My First Semester (according to Frozen)

Hi!!! Hi hi hi! It's been such a very long time since I was on here, and my first semester of graduate school is in the books. So many of you prayed for me, thought about me, and left me encouraging comments over the course of those first 16 weeks; and I want to genuinely thank you - without your love and support, and the support of my family and friends, I genuinely do not know if I would have made it through this semester.

Because you were so kind as to care about what I was going through during this fall and early winter, I wanted to catch you up on a few of the things that happened while I was gone ... I started pouring out my tale of woe and wonder via a traditional post earlier today, but it just got wayyy too long. So, I had the brilliant inspiration to copy imitate the lovely Katherine Sophia and tell you the story of my semester in GIFs. Frozen GIFs, to be precise.

Here's the sneak preview:

***

The first week, everything was miraculous. It was so exciting to be cracking open gigantic textbooks about neuroanatomy, psychoacoustics, and clinical practice - to watch crowds of undergraduate students melt in my path and to have professors talk to me like a real adult. I was a little nervous about moving from the comfort of a full-time job back into the weekly changeableness and stress of classes again, but I loved grad school and I loved being a graduate student.

I think this slightly manufactured delight at my ascension to the halls of academia lasted about two weeks. Two weeks into the semester, things were getting harder and the outside world was seeming farther away than before. I started wanting to escape. 

But everyone else around me seemed happy, so I pushed aside those thoughts and settled in to focus and dedicate myself to my studies.

Except for a niggling feeling of impending doom or future imprisonment in the back of my head, everything was great after that, and I felt really good about life and study and clinic. My classmates and I got along well, I became very attached to my major professor, and my first graded assignments appeared promising. I was feeling optimistic.

Then I saw my neuroanatomy midterm and knew I was in a really, really bad pickle. 

Long story short (and as previously recounted), I failed it. I was the only one in my class. My professor didn't even put a number grade on it - he just basically said "sorry, I got nothing". I have never experienced panic and despair like that in my life. 

My classmates and me when we saw our grades (I'm Elsa).

Two weeks of self-loathing followed. Have you ever experienced that sad, concerned look in a parental figure's eyes when they are terribly disappointed in you and they ask "what happened?" That was the face my professor made when I came to his office after the test. Stricken. Horrified. Worried.

I studied a lot and re-took the test. This time I got a C-. I said "Meh, okay" and moved on after that.

For a while, things were better. I had a painful pep talk with my advisor who helped me analyze what had gone wrong, and helped me develop study plans to be better prepared for the next round of exams. I started realizing that I needed to study hard and really narrow down my focus if I wanted to be successful in grad school; so I did. I quit leaving my building. I slept less and ate less, and read more, wrote more, listened harder, and learned how to really study. I got to know my classmates better and started spending time with them, talking about lessons and assignments as well as learning about how they approached life and school. I thought that the low point was past and things were looking up.

But in fact, I hadn't hit the lowest point yet at all.

They say "bad news comes in threes"; and the lowest point of my semester was the day when a good friend of mine texted in desperation because of some devastating medical news she had just received, and less than 20 minutes later, my professor emailed to let me know that I had miserably failed another assignment and I needed to come meet with multiple professors to try to find the critical flaw in my thinking and study processes. Because of spending my evening counseling and looking up resources for my friend, I turned in my next day's assignment several hours late, and got an email back noting that lateness was becoming a habit with me and she was concerned about my time management skills.

If you Google the symptoms of a nervous breakdown, that was me - feeling detached from reality, emotional numbness, anxiety, obsessive thinking, debilitating fatigue. I went through the motions, even celebrated my birthday at my favorite restaurant with my classmates, and no one knew how close I was to completely losing it. But I was very close. After that horrible meeting with the director of the graduate program and the director of the university clinic, I barely made it back into the lab before collapsing and sobbing harder and more painfully than I had in a very long time.

God brought me healing that weekend by reminding me that it wasn't my grades that made me special to Him - my poor study habits, my difficulty asking for help, my ineptitude for neuroanatomy - all of these fell under the "any other creature" item in the list of things that do NOT come between me and His love. Nothing good about me makes Him love me more, and none of my flaws or sin-struggles make me any less dear to His heart. He loves me because I am His, because I have thrown myself into His arms and trusted Him to rescue me from sin. 

The massive weight of failure and inadequacy rolled off my shoulders. Nervous breakdown avoided.

My grades gradually improved over the next couple of weeks and plateaued at a "not great but borderline acceptable" level. Finals week was the first time I spent 6, 7, and 8 hours at a time doing nothing but studying. I shut out the world, sleep, and food as I wrote final papers and aggressively attacked exams. I've never devoted my whole self to my schoolwork for such a long time before, and I have to say, I'm pretty excited to know that I can do it.

And then, suddenly, they were done.

I had survived.

And now I look like this:

And this:

***

So now it's break, and now the self-evaluation, taking stock, planning ahead, and trying to get rid of my lingering eye twitch begins. There's a lot going on in my head right now ... do I even fit in this field? Am I made for something easier / more artistic? Or do I need to practice more discipline and self-denial and focus on bracing myself for the next semester?

Because as well, in between spells of planning my future, I'm also going to relax and refresh my mind, heart, and spirit so that I'm ready for whatever comes next.

Because whatever it is ... is probably going to look a lot like  ^  that.

***

And I will post about my family's Christmas festivities very soon! I hope you had a wonderful, blessed, joyful Christmas, dear friends!

Lots of love,

Vicki

Becoming

Current Goals:

To learn to truly and purely love others, 

without the impure stain of self-congratulation and self-admiration.


To understand just how sinful I am,
So that I can better see how glorious our God is,
and how badly I need Him.

To learn to accept failure and disappointment,

without darkly groaning about how much I deserve it 

(and, of course, hoping someone will comfort me and tell me how wrong I am).

To learn to accept setbacks without breaking and melting down -

or, to truly accept God's will for me, even when it looks different than I hope.

To learn to speak the truth in love,

to realize that I can't always be "nice,"

to be willing to make enemies.

To learn to bring my worries and fears to God and trust Him for comfort,

not run to my friends or even family, and expect them to fill my needs.

To learn to keep my mind and my effort focused on the task in front of me,

not to escape to leisure and rest as soon as I can manage it,

but to complete my tasks strongly and thoroughly.

and,

To learn to be true to myself:

to be quiet when I need space to think;

to control my responses and actions, not let circumstances whirl me along;

to bravely use silence to plan my words and thoughts;

to be willing to be

compassionately different,

refreshingly weird, and

comfortingly normal.

*^*^*

What are your current goals? Who are you trying to become?

Paris

Quiet

It's finally Saturday.

I'm relaxing in my mom's warm kitchen, listening to conversations about economics, and childish squeals from the other end of the house, with Christy Moore's soothing voice drifting out of my laptop speakers. I have no makeup on, and my hair is delightfully wrapped up tightly and out of my face. The caramel coffee is warm and delicious against the silvery bone-chilling drizzle outside.

Today is a quiet day.

***

I retook my failed exam this week, and got back surprisingly good grades on another exam. I got more unsatisfactory grades, too, but also got a chance to redo an assignment I wasn't happy with.

My hands-on training labs are all done for the semester - from here on out, I'll be practicing on real patients in the clinic. I really enjoy my clinic days! It's so interesting to meet new people every week and help solve the puzzle of why they aren't hearing the way they should, and especially to show care and love to them as I talk to them about their problems and what they can do to hear better again.

I ate delicious food, laughed, cried, and said goodbye to a new friend last night, and look forward to being reunited at Christmas ... but on the happy side, I'm excited to introduce my international friend to Thanksgiving and Christmas for the first time, and am busy dreaming up ways to make the holiday season extra special - and ways to gently begin introducing my friend to Jesus.

The long hours of the last few weeks are taking their toll on my tired, out-of-shape body - today I am resting, catching up with friends and blogs, and eating honey and yogurt to help fight off a possible low-grade infection.

And I've been watching children's Bible shows with Dan and Nick, and trying not to let people see me cry ... sometimes, in all of the complicated adult responsibilities and faith issues that we study (how to grow a marriage, honoring God with finances, building churches and businesses), we sometimes forget that Jesus still wants to gather us into His arms like little children and let us rest our heads on His shoulder. Seeing His love illustrated on children's shows reminds me how precious I am to Him in a way that almost nothing else does. Hence, I watch Jesus forgive Zaccheus and heal Bartimaeus, and I weep.

***

How are you experiencing Christ's love today? Through pretty pumpkins and simple stories, like me? Or through something different?

Warm, cinnamony hugs to you!!
Vicki

Humble Yourself

I have to say, things have been a little rough lately in my little corner of the world.

All of my grandiose ideas about coming into grad school as a hot young researcher and star student have come crashing down around me, leaving behind a numbing haze of failed exams, miserable remediation meetings, whispered debriefings held where professors can't hear, evenings passed out on top of a dying laptop, and late nights huddled in a cold workroom, trying to catch up on clinic notes.

God has been so close to me, much closer than He has been in a long time - I stumble across verses when I'm most discouraged; people who haven't called me in months have been randomly checking in on me; and my new classmates assure me that I'm keeping a positive demeanor even when I feel like I'm crumbling inside. I know that God has every detail of my life under His control.

But even with His extra help, things are tough. Good. But very tough.

***

I have let go of a lot of pride in the last few weeks. I dabbled through the first few weeks of the semester like I did in undergrad, half-heartedly daydreaming through classes, turning in assignments at the last minute, and assuming that things would work out just as they always did, because I'm a good student and very smart.

That ended abruptly when I failed a midterm.

Oh, it was bad. Such red ink, very fail. It was so bad that my professor didn't even bother putting a grade on it.

Fast-forward through a week of black, crushing embarrassment, horror, and self-hatred; and I have emerged on the other side a very different person than I was before. I am clumsily attempting to really study for the first time in my life. I am meekly sitting down in professors' and Ph.D. students' offices and admitting that I don't know things, and asking them to help me learn. I'm letting girls five years younger than me teach me funny pneumonics to remember the parts of the lateral lemniscus and the inferior colliculus.

I'm trying to be humble.

***

Humility isn't easy, especially when it's new to you and there is still a lingering aftertaste of star-student complex in your mouth. It's uncomfortable to listen to a much younger student gently and encouragingly talk down to you as she whips out a beautiful diagram that she drew herself. It's a little nauseating to crawl into Professor Red-Ink's office and admit that you didn't study one bit for the exam that you bombed, and to quietly accept his massively generous offer to take it again for partial credit. It stings to admit to the successful doctoral student your own age that you've been in college as long as he has, and yet you have never learned how to study before now.

But humility also brings blessings.

I have found that people really do enjoy helping me with things, and it's a strange and not unpleasant feeling to be the one receiving help instead of giving it. I have found that my relationship with my new friends is different because I've admitted my academic weaknesses and bad habits to them, instead of being the one who always gets good grades without trying. (Some of the girls have started checking in with me every night to make sure I'm going to bed before 2AM. It hasn't worked yet, but their little motherly messages make me smile.) I have discovered that sometimes professors can be cheerleaders and counselors and even friends, not just angry ogres bearing red pens.

Remember how I said I was being stretched? I think I'm Silly Putty and I've been snapped, and stuck back together in a weird way where those two rubbery edges don't quite match. I think I'm a little different. But I also think it's good different.

***

I'm going to go enjoy my first bath in a really long time (study > cleanliness), then try to cram in an hour of frantic studying before I pass out on my laptop again.  :-)  I'm sorry I haven't been on here as much lately; but I promise I'm checking in and keeping up with you. All of your posts bring so much sunshine and encouragement into my life. Thank you for walking this incredible faith journey with me!!!

Lots of love,
Vicki

Morning

This morning is so much more than beautiful - it's downright magical!!

The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,  And His sovereignty rules over all.  Bless the Lord, you His angels,  Mighty in strength, who perform His word,  Obeying the voice of His word!

Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,  You who serve Him, doing His will.

Bless the Lord, all you works of His, In all places of His dominion;  Bless the Lord, O my soul!
~ Psalm 103:19-22
***
Have a wonderful day, my dears!!
~ Vicki

Berry

This is one of the last of the Indian strawberries that popped up all over our yard this summer ... I know they're weeds, but aren't they so cute??

Let Me Sink

Sometimes, I just really don't want to be okay.

I wandered away from my take-home neurology exam this evening and drifted into Blogger, my eyelids and spirits drooping, as seems to be my constant state of existence lately. There just aren't enough hours in my day now to leave time for sleep, let alone meaningful relaxation - I am completely drained of the ability or motivation to stay awake for anything anymore. Between classes, exams, papers, quizzes, readings, labs, presentations, data analyses, clinic instruction, filling in charts, learning MATLAB, and trying every couple of days to help out a little bit with chores at home, I feel like a wet washcloth, completely limp and constantly soaked with more information than I can possibly absorb.

Don't get me wrong, there are many things that I love about grad school so far. I have learned more in 6.5 weeks than I ever dreamed possible - I'm doing things and working with people far beyond anything I thought I could do. It is absolutely amazing. I love my major professor and my labmates - each one of them is teaching me some very powerful spiritual lessons that I've never learned before. I am growing and stretching, and it's good, but it hurts. I feel like I'm getting sprains instead of muscles.

When I came to Blogger, I was immediately, simply, plainly smacked in the face by this article: "Give Your Weakness to God," by Steven Lee. It is powerful, it is beautiful, and exactly what I needed.

But as I read it, I didn't really feel encouraged right away. I actually felt dis-couraged. The whole point of the post was to bring hope and reassurance that God is with me, He is picking me up and going to carry me, and everything is going to be okay. But you see, I just don't have the strength to be okay right now.

I don't want to be encouraged. I don't want to pick up my cross in hope and keep going with renewed strength and enthusiasm. I don't want someone to pat me on the shoulder and tell me it's going to be okay. I really just want to lie quietly down on my face in the middle of a hallway and give up for a while, and have someone tell me it's okay not to be okay. 

But I don't feel like it's acceptable to admit that I'm struggling and really doubting my decision to choose this field of study for grad school, because doing so would be selfish and ungrateful for the incredible opportunity I've been given. Everyone around me is doing such a good job at keeping on a brave face, even those whom I know don't feel like being okay either; so I don't be the one to buckle and bring down the morale of the whole class. My professors, my parents, my friends - they all expect so much of me, and I've succeeded at everything I tried so far in life. I don't know what they would think if I failed at something.

So ...

Tonight, privately, here, I'm lying down in the middle of the hallway, and giving up for a few minutes, and letting you know that I do know that God is with me and that He will help me accomplish what I need to, but I just don't feel like being okay tonight.

Maybe I'll be okay tomorrow.

Hot

It is 79 degrees and climbing steadily in my office this morning ... I hope they get the thermostat fixed before all the food I have stashed in my drawers starts melting!!  :-O

How's the weather (inside or out!) in your part of the world this morning?

~ Vicki

Prayer

Rain by hyamei on DeviantArt

***

Do not cast me off in the time of old age;

Do not forsake me when my strength fails.

~ Psalm 71:9

***

Father, in my emptiness, 

remind me that You are the God Who can fill me up.

For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, 
And the hungry soul He has filled with what is good.
~ Psalm 107:9

***

Father, in my weakness,
remind me that You are the God Who is mighty with power and strength.

“The eternal God is a dwelling place, 
And underneath are the everlasting arms; 
And He drove out the enemy from before you, 
And said, ‘Destroy!’"
~ Deuteronomy 33:27

***

Father, in my exhaustion,
remind me that You are the God Who is always awake when I am,
and Who watches over the few precious hours that I get to sleep.

My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. 
He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. 
Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
~ Psalm 121:2-4

***

Father, in my confusion,
remind me that You are the Prince and Author of peace.

... for God is not a God of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints.
~ 1 Corinthians 14:33

***

Father, in my fear,
remind me that You hold my future in Your hand
and are working all things together for my good.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, 
to those who are called according to His purpose.
~ Romans 8:28

***

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: 
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
~ Psalm 61:2

Weekend

I had such a simply wonderful weekend! I got to take some time away from classes and remember other things that I love to do and be, like photographing the pretty weeds and lichens in the backyard, reading about my Scottish ancestors, watching lame movies, and listening to incredible a cappella music:




A dear friend and my grandmother encouraged me this weekend to remember to lean more heavily on the Lord during this difficult time of adjustment and soul-searching. My grandmother gave me a beautiful prayer journal that she wants me to doodle in (not write; I don't have many words left by the end of the day - just doodle) every night during my devotion time, and I'm eager to see if it helps me remember and hold onto what I read a little better. It didn't work last night because I waited to start my devotions until very late, and was busy trying not to fall asleep and topple headfirst off the bed; but it's early yet tonight, so we'll see if I can focus a bit better.  :-)

Oh yes, and I spent a lot of time researching patterns and history for my very first upcoming French and Indian War reenactment puttering with some other hobbies too.

*grin*

I didn't work as far ahead on my homework as I ought to, and I didn't do any professional networking or career-enhancing activities besides going into the office to do a little data analysis; but I badly needed this weekend of rest. I feel refreshed and ready to dive back into my studies and work tomorrow with renewed vigor.

How was your weekend? Did you get some much-needed refreshment?

Hugs and love and toffee nut lattes to you,
~ Vicki

Grad Student Life

Things grad students do:

• Read
• Drink coffee
• Enjoy using big words
• Learn fascinating concepts that make their heads explode
• Dress up
• Wish they weren't dressed up
• Meet amazingly brilliant people
• Read
• Drink coffee
• Try not to cry in their faculty advisors' offices
• Run tests on their fellow students
• Give presentations
• Feel like bigshots around undergraduates
• Read
• Drink coffee
• Drink caffeinated soda
• Write papers
• Draw diagrams
• Feel like they are diving into a gigantic ocean of mysteries and discoveries
• Volunteer for events
• Read
• Drink coffee
• Try to stay awake in lecture
• Fall asleep in lecture
• Write papers
• Read
• Realize the massive and incredible awesomeness of God through study of His world
• Eat lots of cookies and pizza
• Get slap-happy over cookies and pizza at 8PM
• Drink coffee
• Write papers
• Read

Things grad students DON'T do:

• Sleep
• Go home before dinnertime
• Go on trips
• Complete their readings
• Leave their major building
• Sleep
• Wear sweatpants as often as they'd like
• See their families
• Sleep
• See their friends
• Sleep
• Or sleep
• Or SLEEP
• DID I MENTION THAT WE DON'T SLEEP

Why grad students do the things they do and don't do:

• Because they love what they're studying and want to devote the rest of their life to it

OR

• Because they realize one month into their studies that it's too late to back out now and they're going to be doing this for the next (insert some number between 2 and 12) years of their life whether they like it or not

BUT

• They know that someday it will all be worth it!!

Second Week: Words of Encouragement

It is 6PM and I am sitting on the floor in my pajamas, drinking coffee, listening to atmospheric music, and looking through a friend's vacation photo album.

(I'm doing this because our dog is lonely and he won't stop barking until someone sits next to him on the floor. So I volunteered.)

Also, I've survived my second week of grad school.

At the beginning of this week, I wasn't doing very well. Most of my classes this semester are heavily focused on the electrophysiological aspects of the hearing and nervous systems, which is essentially engineering, and everybody knows that Vicki doesn't do engineering. So Vicki has had many doubts. Vicki has cried. Vicki has locked herself in her office and hidden. Vicki has locked herself in the bathroom and hidden. And cried.

It's been a bit rough.

However, this week, I have also been reminded of the power and strength found in the love and encouragement of other people. You see, I tend to be very emotionally independent (read: proud) and avoid discussing my fears and worries with other people. I try to seem strong and put-together - I hate showing weakness and I hate people knowing what's going on inside my head. This week, though, I admitted to some of my close friends that I was doubting myself and fearful of the future; and the uplifting words they sent my way gave me such a huge boost.

It's amazing how much encouragement you can get from simple words like:

You can do it.
I have a lot of faith in you.
You will be the kindest, most beautiful Ph.D. around!
Don't put so much pressure on yourself - you're doing fine.
I trust you.
You're not crazy.
You were born for this. 

And most importantly:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.

Regarding my lovely humans' encouragement, I really don't think anyone who encouraged me this week knew that their quickly jotted posts and casual comments were so helpful and important for me. It actually reminded me that my words can have the same effect on others - it only takes me a second to shoot off a text saying "Hey, just wanted to you to know you're awesome"; but it might be just the little boost someone needs today.

How have your family and friends encouraged you this week?

~ Vicki

Freshening Up

Well, after careful consideration and mulling, I have decided to abandon my plan to move to a new blog and to stay here at Sunshine and Shadow, at least for a while. Hence the pretty facelift.  :-)

I had a couple of reasons for deciding to keep things the way they are for now. Firstly, as I pondered moving to a more public blog, I realized that blogging under a pseudonym gives me a measure of privacy and freedom that blogging under my real name would not. I can come to my blog as Vicki and talk about my struggles and successes honestly, because I'm not afraid of my writing accidentally being sent to my boss or my major professor or anything like that. While I would dearly love to be the "real me" and show you pictures of my home and my town and my school, at the moment I would much rather have the freedom to be genuinely open about my life.

Secondly, as I worked on setting up my new blog, I got really sad at the thought of cutting loose from all the history and memories I have built here at S&S. I love bloggers that stay in one place for years and let their blog grow with them, rather than having separate blogs for separate life stages - I love being able to go back through their archives and see when they were young girls, when they were launching their careers, when they got married, when they had children, and so on, all the way up through their current life stage. It's an awesome testimony of God's faithfulness and provides a much more cohesive story. I want S&S to continue to grow with me, not to leave it behind.

So ... what does this mean for my content?

Well, I still want to try to move away from using this blog as an emotional dumping-ground, and give it some structure. For example, I do want to blog about life as a grad student, just as I planned; I'll just do it here instead of there. And I want to continue showing lots of pictures - I'm in love with my new camera, and though I can't show you big pieces of my world, I can show you the little details that I see every day. The tree branch that I brush with my hand every afternoon, the sun reflecting off the science building windows in the morning, the blanket I snuggle under while I work in the evenings. Pretty things that I love to share. I'll make sure there are a lot of them!  :-)

So what do you think? Did I make the right decision?

~ Vicki

Today

It's the third day of classes. I'm currently sitting in a conference room with three of my labmates. None of us are talking. We're just enjoying the peace and quiet and comfortable being-together-without-having-to-talk while we wait to start a meeting.

It's the third day of my future, and things are going great.

I've been anxious, yes. Old fears popped up as soon as I sat down in my first class, yes - fear of loss, primarily. I want to write about that, so I won't go into it too deeply. Fear of failure. Fear of mediocrity. Fear of tomorrow.

But I've learned things too.

I love my eight classmates. We all get along great and we all genuinely like each other. I love my four professors - they're smart, funny, patient, kind, and understanding, all four of them. My friends from my old job are staying in touch, so I'm not losing them; and my new friends are always just a screen or a seat away if I need help.

Tomorrow I go into the clinic as a student clinician (not an observer) for the first time. I'm going to greet the family and take the patient's medical history. I haven't done this in forever and I'm very excited about it. (I hope the professional clothes I ordered arrive in the mail soon, because since quitting my administrator job I seem to have forgotten how to fit my little wardrobe together in a work-appropriate way. The new inspiration should help.)

Tomorrow I also will be attending a dinner for all of the other fellowship winners across campus, and I'm very excited about that. I know I won't feel like I fit in with all the brilliant chemists and astrophysicists and social changers and educators who will be there, but I'm very eager to socialize with some truly outstanding people, and I hope some of it rubs off on me.

And today?

Today, I'm sipping tea, in the soft grayish light of our almost-silent conference room. I'm listening to the student pilots zooming overhead in their little planes, and dreaming of the day when I'll be up there (I have no idea when that will be).

Today, my manager walked in, and it's time to start the meeting.

Today, I'm surviving, I'm learning, I'm growing.

Today is the future.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first day of graduate school.

I'm a little behind; I'm still waiting on two textbooks, I still have a bunch of paperwork to order, and I'm going to be running a bit short on sleep, too.

But tomorrow is coming whether I'm ready or not.

So here I go!!

~ Vicki

Prayer to Protect Life

PRAYER TO PROTECT LIFE

from Prayerbook.com

Loving God, I thank you for the gift of life you gave and continue to give to me and to all of us. Merciful God, I ask your pardon and forgiveness for my own failure and the failure of all people to respect and foster all forms of life in our universe.

Gracious God, I pray that with your grace, I and all people will reverence, protect, and promote all life and that we will be especially sensitive to the life of the unborn, the abused, the neglected, the disabled, and the elderly.

I pray, too, that all who make decisions about life in any form will do so with wisdom, love, and courage. Living God, I praise and glorify you as Father, Source of all life, as Son, Savior of our lives, and as Spirit, Sanctifier of our lives. Amen.

Hi, I'm Unemployed

They even bought me roses ...

This past Friday was my last day at my beloved job. Gifts were given, pranks were played, and many tears were shed. It was a beautiful, bittersweet day.

And today?

It's amazing how much of ourselves we pour into our jobs, isn't it? We define ourselves by our jobs. When people ask us who we are, we typically begin by telling them what we do for a living. Whatever that job may be, even if it's working from home or in the home, our work is a vital part of who we are; and we never feel that more keenly than when our work is taken away. A businessman retires, a mother's last child leaves the nest, a soldier is honorably discharged; and then ... what?

I don't actually know at this point. For the last eight months, I have been an administrator - supervising students, scheduling appointments, taking minutes, writing reports, planning events, and running interference for my boss when he let me. I have been my friends' counselor and therapist, my boss's assistant and sounding board, and the friendly telephone voice representing my organization. In other words, I had a place - a role to fill, a part to play. But now ... what?

Of course I know I'm going back to grad school; but that's part of the uncertainty. I don't know where I fit there yet. I don't know where I fit in my new lab - am I the jokester, the mom, the teacher's pet, the wallflower? (I usually fall in one of those four categories at the places I work.) What tasks will be mine to perform? And what about my role in my grad program - will I be a star student? Middle of the pack? Struggle to keep my head above water?

I'm not terribly worried about any of these questions because they always come with a change, and they always settle down after a couple of months. But they're also a good reminder that even the most important parts of our identity and self-image can change, morph, and become something different. ONLY our identity as sons and daughters of God remains permanent and unchanging throughout the years of our lives.

I'm looking forward to seeing who I'm going to be in this next season of my life!

DSLR Practice

It was hard to get the color temperature of the photos right because it's an overcast day, so they came out a bit yellow (my Photoshop skills need some help too); but I'm really happy with the depth of field and the sharpness:

What I'm working on ...

So, I thought I'd better provide a little proof that I really have been working on a new blogging venture, like I said I was:

Whenever I do get it up and running, my new blog is going to be called Taming Paper Tigers, and it's going to be a chronicle of my journey into the wacky, wonderful world of graduate school.  *slow applause*

"Paper tigers" is an expression that was Westernized in some distant century from a Chinese expression, basically meaning something that looks frightening and threatening, but actually isn't. At the moment, I have to admit - grad school looks pretty frightening and threatening. But I've been talking with mentors and friends who keep reassuring me that it's not quite as bad as everyone says it is, and that they think I'll do just fine. So my hope (delusion?) is that this will turn out to be just a paper tiger - frightening from far away, but manageable once I see it up close. And that I shall tame it. (It's also a play on the word "paper," since grad school is 90% writing, and every paper and report looks scarier than the last one!!)

There are some themes that I'm going to try to stick to in this blog. The first is chronicling my grad school journey through the lens of my journey with Christ, and recording the ways He helps me grow stronger and closer to Him. The second is talking honestly about the challenges of grad school and how God and my support system are helping me adjust and thrive, so other potential grad students can see what it's really like. And the third is to encourage myself and others to keep pressing higher, not to get bogged down in the valleys, but to look up and stay positive and keep climbing toward the Son.

So ...  yeah.  :-)

There are a few other schematic ideas I have - showing off practicing with my new DSLR camera, *whispering* blogging under my own real name which is not decided yet but which is something I would very dearly love to do if I could work it out, moving to Wordpress or another hosting site - but none of those are quite set in stone yet. Also, I have a different header/theme in the works besides that unnecessarily minimalistic one pictured above (an early prototype). Topic-wise, though, I'm pretty decided on what I'd like to do.

So, I'm not dead.  :-)  And this is what will be coming sometime in the (hopefully near) future. Thoughts??

Life is real, life is earnest

From here via Pinterest

I'm chilling in the kitchen, eating my late-night dinner of reheated pizza and fresh blueberries. I just got home from a 10-hour workday, and I'm exhausted.

More than exhausted, though, I'm feeling very sober and thoughtful tonight. Three of my very dearest friends were in a terrible car wreck yesterday and narrowly, barely, Providentially escaped a horrible death. Two of these friends are Christians, and while their death would have been by far the most excruciating and tortuous thing I have ever experienced, there was something worse - my third friend is not a Christian. Her last chance at accepting Christ was just a breath away from being gone forever.

I have never before felt like I did when I looked at the pictures of the crushed back seat of the car, where she had been sitting. It was that close. This wasn't a hypothetical made-up character, or an emotional ploy in a tent-meeting sermon. This was a real live girl whom I've hugged and laughed with and rolled my eyes at and shared coffee with on a cold winter afternoon. And she's lost. And she almost was lost, for all eternity.

What have I been doing with my life?

Too often, the gray, mundane hum of daily life dulls us to the vivid, intense reality of the spiritual world in which we really live. Life isn't really about wooden spoons and spreadsheets and iPhones and wallpaper paste. Life is about praying, and loving, and teaching, and ultimately showing and telling the wonderful news of Christ's rescuing death and resurrection - not just to the impersonal masses of humanity, but also to our cubiclemates, our kids' babysitters, our friends.

I don't know how to go from shyly showing my faith in nonverbal ways to courageously, lovingly telling people what the Bible says about their need for Him. But after today, I can see how important it is that I learn. It sounds so cliche, but it's so true that we really never know when we will never see someone again. And it's not always the other person - next time it could be me in the accident. Or it could be me who moves, or gets immersed in grad school, or quits Facebook. Or whatever. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I know I have today, now, this moment.

Abba, make my love for others as bold and brave as Yours!!

I'm not dead ...

I'm investigating the possibility of, at the very least, a new blog design; and at the most, an entirely new blog ... I have thoughts and good ideas ... I hope to be back soon!!

hello.

It's a brilliantly sunny, 40°F, breezy, and sweet-smelling spring day here in my little Midwestern town.

Let that sink in. There's something very peculiar about my saying that at this time of the morning.

Give up?

I'M NOT AT WORK!!! Yes, that's right! I am enjoying a rare and wonderful morning off! Right now I'm relaxing in my mom's office, eating oatmeal and drinking coffee, listening to the soundtrack of Treasure Planet, and enjoying a chance to check in with my poor semi-abandoned blog while I actually have some energy (as opposed to last night, when I sat down in front of my computer with a head full of ideas and a body too exhausted to even type, after which frustrating experience I sulked and knitted for an hour)!

***

Life has been good in the ... let me check ... oh my goodness, 19 days since I last wrote. Work is verrry busy. I'm kind of at an awkward place there right now - on the one hand, I've been in my full-time position for 4 months now, so I'm fully adjusted and taking on a lot of new responsibilities, some of which are relatively important and exciting; but at the same time, I only have a few months left before I leave work and go back to being a full-time student, so they're also trying to transition me out of some of said responsibilities. I just keep trying to do my best; and on the bright side, I've become very good friends with a couple of my new coworkers, something which doesn't happen very often for me, and we all get along and enjoy our work and feel useful and meaningful. I can't ask for more than that!

***

As usual, I have not been using my free time very productively.  :-)  I did get my first sunburn of the year, volunteering at an outdoor event this weekend ... I've also been spending a lot of time outside, doing that pretending-to-be-a-real-photographer thing:

***

I have also been:

• Knitting a new pillow cover that I can't wait to show you
• Falling passionately in love with new fictional characters (and their actors) and trying desperately not to daydream Mary-Sue daydreams about them when I'm supposed to be paying attention at work
• WRITING. Yes, actually writing ... not very much or very well, but even a little bit is good!
• Grieving the death of Gilbert Blythe  (*muffled weeping*)
• Drinking waaaaaayyyyyyyy too much coffee and seeing how much caffeine I can consume each day before I get physically sick
• Reading amazingly encouraging and awesome articles by this guy
• Pondering myself with disgust and dismay, wondering what exactly is wrong with my maturity and spiritual discipline (besides their nonexistence), and praying that I'm not going to fall into depression again right before my grad school awesomeness starts to ramp up
• Clothes and shoe shopping!
• Yes, you DO need to click all the hyperlinks if you want to know what I've been up to ... don't worry, they've all been personally vetted!!

And keeping up with all of you, of course.  ;-)  I have to run now if I want to get some errands done before I go to work this afternoon; but I hope you're having a wonderful day and that the sun is shining on you!! I love my blog friends so much and love seeing what you're up to. I will do my best to post some more updates soon (maybe some pictures of my gorgeous pillow cover)!

Have a fantabulous day, dear sisters!!

Love,

Vicki