Sometimes, I just really don't want to be okay.I wandered away from my take-home neurology exam this evening and drifted into Blogger, my eyelids and spirits drooping, as seems to be my constant state of existence lately. There just aren't enough hours in my day now to leave time for sleep, let alone meaningful relaxation - I am completely drained of the ability or motivation to stay awake for anything anymore. Between classes, exams, papers, quizzes, readings, labs, presentations, data analyses, clinic instruction, filling in charts, learning MATLAB, and trying every couple of days to help out a little bit with chores at home, I feel like a wet washcloth, completely limp and constantly soaked with more information than I can possibly absorb.
Don't get me wrong, there are many things that I love about grad school so far. I have learned more in 6.5 weeks than I ever dreamed possible - I'm doing things and working with people far beyond anything I thought I could do. It is absolutely amazing. I love my major professor and my labmates - each one of them is teaching me some very powerful spiritual lessons that I've never learned before. I am growing and stretching, and it's good, but it hurts. I feel like I'm getting sprains instead of muscles.
When I came to Blogger, I was immediately, simply, plainly smacked in the face by this article: "Give Your Weakness to God," by Steven Lee. It is powerful, it is beautiful, and exactly what I needed.
But as I read it, I didn't really feel encouraged right away. I actually felt dis-couraged. The whole point of the post was to bring hope and reassurance that God is with me, He is picking me up and going to carry me, and everything is going to be okay. But you see, I just don't have the strength to be okay right now.
I don't want to be encouraged. I don't want to pick up my cross in hope and keep going with renewed strength and enthusiasm. I don't want someone to pat me on the shoulder and tell me it's going to be okay. I really just want to lie quietly down on my face in the middle of a hallway and give up for a while, and have someone tell me it's okay not to be okay.
But I don't feel like it's acceptable to admit that I'm struggling and really doubting my decision to choose this field of study for grad school, because doing so would be selfish and ungrateful for the incredible opportunity I've been given. Everyone around me is doing such a good job at keeping on a brave face, even those whom I know don't feel like being okay either; so I don't be the one to buckle and bring down the morale of the whole class. My professors, my parents, my friends - they all expect so much of me, and I've succeeded at everything I tried so far in life. I don't know what they would think if I failed at something.
So ...
Tonight, privately, here, I'm lying down in the middle of the hallway, and giving up for a few minutes, and letting you know that I do know that God is with me and that He will help me accomplish what I need to, but I just don't feel like being okay tonight.
Maybe I'll be okay tomorrow.
Love this. Love this. Love this.
ReplyDeleteWhat I needed to hear in my little, home-making, husband-loving, library-leading world right now. Sometimes, I feel like all I want is to cry out that it "isn't okay" but feel like I have so much to be grateful for (and so little to complain about) that I push on and beat myself up over the sinfulness of not being able to be okay.
But I like this post. I like the reminder that you sent my way. That it is okay to not be okay and that God is big enough for that. He is big enough to pick me up but He is also big enough to let me lay there for awhile and rest and simply exist.
I think that's okay. And I think that's beautiful.
Lots of love to you.
Augh. I wish I'd been on here earlier. My first few months of med school...were everything you just said. And feeling horribly guilty and that I didn't have a /right/ to be miserable because of everything people had done to get me such an incredible opportunity just made it that much worse.
ReplyDeleteVicki, it is absolutely okay to not be okay right now. What you're doing is /hard/ and it has an affect on you. Do know that you /will/ get through this and you will be amazing - it won't be like this forever. But /right now/ it's icky and you can't force yourself to pretend it's not. But lie down in the hallway or cry in the shower or whatever you have to do and just take one minute at a time. I'm thinking and praying for you!!!!!! love you!!!