I have to say, things have been a little rough lately in my little corner of the world.
All of my grandiose ideas about coming into grad school as a hot young researcher and star student have come crashing down around me, leaving behind a numbing haze of failed exams, miserable remediation meetings, whispered debriefings held where professors can't hear, evenings passed out on top of a dying laptop, and late nights huddled in a cold workroom, trying to catch up on clinic notes.
God has been so close to me, much closer than He has been in a long time - I stumble across verses when I'm most discouraged; people who haven't called me in months have been randomly checking in on me; and my new classmates assure me that I'm keeping a positive demeanor even when I feel like I'm crumbling inside. I know that God has every detail of my life under His control.
But even with His extra help, things are tough. Good. But very tough.
***
I have let go of a lot of pride in the last few weeks. I dabbled through the first few weeks of the semester like I did in undergrad, half-heartedly daydreaming through classes, turning in assignments at the last minute, and assuming that things would work out just as they always did, because I'm a good student and very smart.
That ended abruptly when I failed a midterm.
Oh, it was bad. Such red ink, very fail. It was so bad that my professor didn't even bother putting a grade on it.
Fast-forward through a week of black, crushing embarrassment, horror, and self-hatred; and I have emerged on the other side a very different person than I was before. I am clumsily attempting to really study for the first time in my life. I am meekly sitting down in professors' and Ph.D. students' offices and admitting that I don't know things, and asking them to help me learn. I'm letting girls five years younger than me teach me funny pneumonics to remember the parts of the lateral lemniscus and the inferior colliculus.
I'm trying to be humble.
***
Humility isn't easy, especially when it's new to you and there is still a lingering aftertaste of star-student complex in your mouth. It's uncomfortable to listen to a much younger student gently and encouragingly talk down to you as she whips out a beautiful diagram that she drew herself. It's a little nauseating to crawl into Professor Red-Ink's office and admit that you didn't study one bit for the exam that you bombed, and to quietly accept his massively generous offer to take it again for partial credit. It stings to admit to the successful doctoral student your own age that you've been in college as long as he has, and yet you have never learned how to study before now.
But humility also brings blessings.
I have found that people really do enjoy helping me with things, and it's a strange and not unpleasant feeling to be the one receiving help instead of giving it. I have found that my relationship with my new friends is different because I've admitted my academic weaknesses and bad habits to them, instead of being the one who always gets good grades without trying. (Some of the girls have started checking in with me every night to make sure I'm going to bed before 2AM. It hasn't worked yet, but their little motherly messages make me smile.) I have discovered that sometimes professors can be cheerleaders and counselors and even friends, not just angry ogres bearing red pens.
Remember how I said I was being stretched? I think I'm Silly Putty and I've been snapped, and stuck back together in a weird way where those two rubbery edges don't quite match. I think I'm a little different. But I also think it's good different.
***
I'm going to go enjoy my first bath in a really long time (study > cleanliness), then try to cram in an hour of frantic studying before I pass out on my laptop again. :-) I'm sorry I haven't been on here as much lately; but I promise I'm checking in and keeping up with you. All of your posts bring so much sunshine and encouragement into my life. Thank you for walking this incredible faith journey with me!!!
Lots of love,
Vicki
*hugs* this sounds so much like starting med school. that putty analogy is somehow so very apt...school like that has the ability to stretch and snap and squash you back together in a ridiculous way, even as you're yelling at yourself IT'S ONLY SCHOOL. but it hurts. and sometimes seems overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI'll be praying your learning curve is shorter than mine was.
you're doing all the right things...and you will master it and succeed. <3 keep it up, girlie. :) you're getting through it.
Ah, it sounds like we really need to share a coffee café table, hugs and laughter. I can relate to what you're going through -- the humbled part -- that is. I've had several huge, smack-in-the-face momemnts lately and it's bruised me and life hurts a little right now.
ReplyDeleteI think the biggest thing is my fear to say, "Ugh! I really stink at doing too many things at once!" or "I need help!" I have this weird mindset that being capable is next to godliness so to be struggling is a huge failure.
But it isn't. It's okay to be needing, to need to take a step back. These things are all right and, even though they hurt, they are not the end of the world.
So, refresh my weary heart I'm going to clean, budget, watch "Little Women" (and read it too!) and, most importantly, turn my face to my Heavenly Father and seek Him.
I love you, woman!! You are in my prayers!