Tired

I'm so tired lately.

I feel like I can never be the kind of Christian I want to be. I know in my head that I'm supposed to rest in God's finished work and trust Him to complete my sanctification in His own time; but I see the wreckage of self-will, rebellion, bitterness, covetousness, discontentment, doubt, and fear that fills my heart and mind, and I feel like I just have to do something to clean it up.

I purge my iPod of all secular music. I force myself to memorize Bible verses. I plaster Bible verses all over my Facebook page.

Nothing works.

Sometimes I look at my heart and really, truly struggle to see any evidence at all of God's hand on it. I've continued to pick at my strange attitudes about men and marriage, like picking at a scab, and have exposed a festering wound of bitterness - bitterness against men for being so inscrutable and unavailable when I'm lonely; bitterness against my married friends for blooming so joyfully under the protection of their husbands; and bitterness against myself for being old and not fitting into the culturally desirable model of beauty. I haven't regularly attended church in years, and I've picked that down to the wound of superiority - feeling like, because I know the Scriptures better than most of the recent converts in college groups, I'm too spiritual to waste time sitting through sermons that cover issues I've known for years. I've picked at my shyness and loneliness and discovered selfishness and a rampant imagination that often has me imprisoned in a glass cage, barred from interacting with real people in the real world.

Can such a heart truly be covered by Christ's blood?

Sometimes the fact that I can and do still ask these questions is my only hope that I do belong to Him. An unbeliever wouldn't be asking these things. Only a child of God who underneath everything still longed to please Him would be dismally poking at this mess of a life and trying to find some evidence of His handiwork.

How many witnessing opportunities have I messed up by talking about Tom Hiddleston instead of Christ's work in my life? What kind of example am I setting when I push away my little brothers' requests for attention and play another round of "Farm Heroes Saga"? How can I make any kind of impact for Christ when I spend hours on Pinterest and minutes in the Word?

I'm so tired.

Seed of Love

Seed of Love

Sung by Ricky Skaggs

Traveling down life’s road, it’s not too hard to see

The writing is on the wall, if we take time to read

Children are hungry, and millions are in need

We need to take the time and plant just one seed:

The seed of love

Chorus:

One seed of love could help a family who’s in danger

One seed of love could make a friend out of a stranger

One seed of love could grow and grow and reach each need

You can grow a mountain of love from just one seed

What are we here for, if it’s not to help our neighbor?

We need to forget ourselves, and be more like the Savior

He had compassion on the sick, the lame, and blind

He grew a mountain of love, one seed at a time:

The seed of love

Chorus:

One seed of love could help a family who’s in danger

One seed of love could make a friend out of a stranger

One seed of love could grow and grow and reach each need

You can grow a mountain of love from just one seed

One day, many years ago, on a cross at Calvary

The greatest Seed ever sown was sown for you and me:

The seed of Love

Chorus:

One seed of love could help a family who’s in danger

One seed of love could make a friend out of a stranger

One seed of love could grow and grow and reach each need

You can grow a mountain of love from just one seed

Dream Casting: Return of the Native

It recently came to my attention that there is only one movie version ever of Thomas Hardy's novel Return of the Native. Why in the world is that? I had to read it for the first time this semester as part of an English literature class, and while I approached it with some trepidation due to its reputation as an immoral book, I came to thoroughly enjoy it and love the characters.

Probably the most important theme that I took away from the book was how fragile the marriage relationship can be, and how many people it can affect when a marriage breaks down. Both of the young couples in the book married against the advice of their parents and peers, and the eventual breakdowns of their relationships not only destroyed their own lives, but harmed and even killed other members of their families and communities. The key, though, was not that the characters were horrible people who were wantonly looking for affairs outside of their marriages (with the exception of the wicked Wildeve). Most of them were victims of emotional decisions, not being careful whom they spent time with, and seeking satisfaction from their spouses that they could not provide. This book was a great example of how good people can make poor choices that lead them to situations they never thought they would be in.

And soooo, because this was such a good book, I was very disappointed to discover that its only movie adaptation was made back in the 90's and is generally agreed to be pretty lousy.  :-P  So a couple of weeks ago, while I was bored in another class, I put together my own casting for a new version. If you're familiar with the book, let me know what you think!

***

Clementine "Clym" Yeobright

Tom Hiddleston

idealistic, thoughtful, altruistic, self-sacrificing, attached to his mother

Eustacia Vye Yeobright

Keira Knightley

beautiful, mysterious, fiery, depressive, frustrated

Damon Wildeve

Richard Armitage

handsome, indolent, selfish, passionate, amoral 

Thomasin Yeobright Wildeve

Carey Mulligan

innocent, optimistic, loyal, gentle, domestic

Diggory Venn

Jeremy Renner

mysterious, intelligent, loyal, manly, courageous

Mrs. Yeobright

Emma Thompson

genteel, educated, philosophical, stubborn, dramatic

*** 

Now, casting Jeremy Renner as Diggory Venn would be a bit of a risk, because casting him in a period drama would be severely against type; but I picked him for two reasons - firstly, because he looks fairly close to the way I envision Diggory in the book, and secondly, because Diggory's character has some similarities to Hawkeye in Avengers. Diggory is a loner who lives at the edges of society, watching the other characters and quietly interfering in their lives to guide them toward doing the right thing (or, at least, the best choice at the time). He has a sort of magical quality about him, and he is definitely a strong, silent type like Hawkeye. So I think this choice might work.

Also, Carey Mulligan doesn't typically play "good girl" roles, but with her babyface and high voice, I think she could portray Thomasin if she put her mind to it.  :-)  And can you imagine the universe imploding when Emma Thompson and Tom Hiddleston played mother and son??

Have you read the book? What did you think of it? What do you think of my casting?

~ Vicki

When I Fall In Love

When I Fall In Love

by Victor Young

When I fall in love it will be forever
Or I'll never fall in love

In a restless world like this is
Love is ended before it's begun
And too many moonlight kisses
Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun

When I give my heart it will be completely
Or I'll never give my heart

And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too
Is when I fall in love with you

(Music sung by Nat King Cole)

When Your Glory Isn't Glorious

  Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering.

~ 1 Corinthians 11: 14-15

I have hair issues.

My hair is naturally very fine and thin, and I don't have very much of it. Additionally, the hair on the back of my neck and the sides of my head refuses to grow longer than a couple of inches, meaning that a ponytail or half-ponytail is going to be even thinner, and framed by beautiful scraggly chunks of hair on all sides. I remember it being healthier in high school, but poor diet, lack of exercise, stress, and years of updos have all taken their toll and left me with thin, sad hair.

The trend of super-long, thick, straight, shiny hair has been back for quite a few years now, and it's difficult being a wispy-haired girl in a Pantene world. After all, even the Bible says that a woman's physical glory is her hair - King Solomon made mention of his bride's beautiful hair many times in his love poems in Song of Solomon. In almost every culture of the world, a significant portion of a woman's beauty is found in her rich, soft, shiny hair.

So what do you do when your glory ... isn't very glorious?

***

The first thing you can do is to make sure that you're doing everything you can to make your hair look its best, regardless of whether that "best" is up to culture's standards of glorious or not. I definitely don't have it all figured out, and I don't even do all of these things consistently; but in my experience, these are some things that can help boost your hair's health and beauty.

***

- Choose the right shampoo and conditioner. One of the things that damaged and thinned my hair was the 1.5 years I used Herbal Essences shampoo. It works great for many people, but for whatever reason, I'm pretty convinced that it made my hair thinner than it used to be. The moral of that depressing story is, pay attention to what different products do to your hair. My hair is currently colored, so I use Suave Color Protection shampoo and Dove conditioner. When it's not colored, or when the color has mostly faded, then I use a volumizing formula to give my hair some thickness - being careful, of course, not to use anything too heavy that will weigh it down and make it flat.

- Use a health- or volume-boosting product. A stylist sold me a bottle of very expensive argan oil once when I wasn't paying attention, and I am terribly glad she did. That stuff is magical for making my hair stronger, softer, and shinier without being heavy or greasy. I use Healthy Sexy Hair Soy Renewal Nourishing Styling Treatment (try saying that ten times fast), a leave-in oil. There are lots of other treatments and conditioners, both leave-in and rinse-out, that can make your hair stronger and healthier. Ask your stylist for her suggestions (but you should probably do your research before you walk out with the crazily expensive mini-bottle).


- Take it easy on the updos. I hate spending a lot of time on my hair, and I especially hate having to take time during the day to find a mirror and fix it because the wind has blown it upside-down and backwards. Because of this, I have a super bad habit of braiding my hair as tightly as I can and pinning it up against my head, so it doesn't go anywhere and I can go on with my day. Unfortunately, those tight braids, pins, and elastics wreak havoc on my fine, delicate hair, leaving it broken and scraggly. If your hair is at all thin or fragile, wear it down whenever you can, or make sure that your updos are gentle, like loosely pinned braids or buns.

- Consider a cut and color. Not everyone will find this suggestion helpful, but something that helps my hair very much is a good cut and color. As I've mentioned before, I desperately wish my hair could be long and luxurious, but the simple truth is, it won't. So I go along with those funny two-inch-long chunks of hair, and keep all of it just at or above my shoulders. This makes a huge difference in how thick it looks, because now I have all of my hair ending together, instead of those funny chunks ending at their length and then the scraggly remains of my hair drifting down my back like a bad mullet. I'd rather have it shorter and thicker-looking than long and thin. I also color it - not only does this help it choose between blonde and brown, but the coloring chemicals themselves give my hair strands body and volume.

If you prefer to keep your hair long, though, don't despair! Make sure you're taking extra-good care of the ends - maybe use an argan oil product or another leave-in conditioner - as well as the points where your pins or elastics tend to hit. If you can, rotate among different updos so the stress doesn't fall on the same places every day. And please, don't get impatient like me and yank it so tight it would anchor a yacht!!

- Choose a flattering style. This goes right along with the previous point - make sure that you're choosing a style that suits, not only your hair type, but also your face and personality. If your hair is thin, you may need to choose a shorter, simpler style; but you should make sure that your part, your layers, your choice of bangs/no bangs, and your length all help to balance your face shape and emphasize your favorite feature. Look for celebrities with hair similar to yours - my hairstyle inspiration is Carey Mulligan, whose hair is just as thin and fine as mine (and yet she always looks fabulous).

- Eat well. As I mentioned in tonight's post on Captain's Log, my eating habits are not the greatest, and I'm sure that has a negative effect on my hair. Just like the rest of your body, your hair needs all the good stuff in fruits, vegetables, grains, dairy, and lean meat. Nourish your hair at the same time you help your whole body feel good!

- Exercise regularly. Again, I fail at this. But as far as I can tell, it's pretty well established that exercise gets more blood flow to your scalp, which helps your hair follicles produce thicker hair. This is another thing that will help you feel good all over, and that will include your hair. (Hmm, I need to start listening to my own advice ...)

***

However. One more word.

No matter how diligently you follow your health regimen and hair care routine, it's likely that you'll never be entirely satisfied with how it turns out. Maybe you're undergoing a health treatment that is damaging your hair, or maybe you're just like me, and you just have naturally uncooperative hair.

It's okay.

Your worth as a woman is not tied to the thickness of your hair, just as our brothers' worth as men is not tied to how big and bulky they are, or whether they can grow a good beard. A man is a man because he is strong, manly, and godly in spirit; and you will be a shining, beautiful woman if you have a strong, womanly, godly heart.

To be honest, I still struggle often with resentment against my thin hair. I also struggle with resentment against my flabby arms, my short stature, my ungraceful chin, and the gap between my front teeth. But you know what? Sometimes I look in the mirror and smile at how big and shiny my eyes are; and sometimes I see with relief that, even though my legs may be short and thick, I have a nice waistline. Even though my hair is thin and wispy, it's also soft and shiny, and it turns red in the sunlight.

And ultimately, even though my body is imperfect and frustrating now in many ways, it is the body that God has chosen to hold my soul and His Holy Spirit. He has designed me for a special purpose and given me a healthy body that can do everything I need it to do to serve Him every day. My hair may not look exactly how I wish it did, but I have hair, which many people don't, and I'm able to grow it long enough to show that I am a woman, which is ultimately its most important purpose anyway.

See? She has fine hair and wears
it long - don't give up!  :-)

So my advice for my sisters who struggle with thin or unhealthy hair would be: Do your best to work with what you do have and bring it to its very best state, whatever that may be. If this is important to you - and it may not be, which is absolutely fine - then you will feel better about yourself knowing that your hair is looking its best. But even if you're never able to make it look and feel exactly how you wish it would, remember that you are the temple of God and He has chosen you to be part of His family, and because of this you are beautiful in His sight.

Let that sink in. Don't gloss over it just because you've read it a million times. He looks at you, His daughter, and He thinks you're beautiful.

And one day, these bodies will be glorified to match the perfection of the Lord Who loves us. I like to think that I will have a glorious head of hair in heaven!!  :-)

Hopefully this was some encouragement to you. Feel free to comment if you have any more tips and tricks!

Lots of love, and don't get discouraged,
Vicki