Reinvented

I am alive.

I am so alive ... so full of plans and dreams. It's been such a wonderful year.

I have seen beautiful places.

I have met incredible people who have lit fires inside me.

And I am now learning how to keep those fires burning as they move on to the next part of their journeys.

I have done things I never dreamed I would.

I am asking questions I have never had to ask before - and I am being asked to answer questions that will define who I am for the next decade of my life.

I have met real journalists and real scholars who have encouraged me to keep running down the path of my dreams and to keep using the gifts and strengths that God has given me, and I am so excited to see where that path leads.

I am not the person I was a year ago.

Sometimes, I see things - places, people, journal entries - that remind me of the old bitterness, and it still hurts. But it doesn't hurt as much, and it doesn't hurt in the same way. Now I can see the part that I played in the failures that changed my life's course. I can see that I was unhealthily selfish, demanding, and unrealistic in my relationship with the man I thought I loved. Today, I'm not sure I ever loved him at all - I think I wanted him to be and do something for me that I couldn't do for myself.

I can see that what I thought were personal attacks and backstabbing by mentors I trusted was, in fact, a simple failure in communication - a misunderstanding by each of us of what the other needed to grow. I still get angry at the system that demands so many late nights and tears from its students, but I no longer blame the instructors. They were trying to teach me and guide me in the best way they knew how.

And today, I have teachers who understand me, who point out my (many!) weaknesses and shortcomings constructively, and who help me grow into the woman I should be.

I am a woman now. I am stronger, more ambitious, more curious, and more determined than I have ever been in my life.

I am asking God hard questions. I have had some pretty hard failures and fallen into some pretty serious sin-pits during the last year; but I have tried to look to Him in faith and trust Him to forgive me, to teach me, and above all, to continue loving me more deeply than I could ever imagine.

I ask the Holy Spirit to sustain my desire for His will and His glory above my own. I plead with God to work His will in my life whether I am happy and comfortable or not. I desire Him to shine through me, even when I don't understand what He is doing.

These are desires that will lead me into breathtaking depths where I have never gone before. I am terrified. But I am terribly excited.

***

I have not stopped writing over the last year, nor have I given up on my love of blogging - I've set it aside for a while to concentrate on classes and work, and also taken some of my former blogging time to use for other things, like working out. I've focused a lot this year on getting stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, by going to the gym, talking more with mentors online and in person, and boosting my prayer life. Some of my ongoing challenges are making myself start going to church (the perennial struggle, grr), spending more time in the Word, learning how to set boundaries in personal relationships, and taking better care of myself in the areas of food and sleep.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I am an active member of the NerdFitness online community, and I have not only been microblogging there for the last year, but I also post more regular daily updates and goal progress - you are more than welcome to come check me out there and enjoy some pretty good stories, if I may say so.  :-)  My latest installment is just getting started, and there are links to previous chapters in my signature line.

And last month, I created a Wordpress blog that I am working on getting online ... no promises that I will keep it up regularly, but once it's up and I think I will actually keep it up, I will post the link here.  :-) 

***

I miss you guys terribly and I hope to be back in touch soon ... also, if it helps, I have not been one of those evil bloggers who comes back from a year-long absence with a husband and a cross-country move and a new hair color!  ;-)  I'm still the same me, living in the same apartment, going to the same school and still quite single!

I hope to be back in touch with more concrete updates before classes start in a few weeks - I realize that I said essentially nothing in this post, so I will try not to leave you hanging!!

All my love,

Vicki

loss, then discovery

There is a pattern throughout literature that more closely resembles real life than we sometimes realize, and that is the pattern of "loss, then discovery".

Every rags-to-riches story begins this way. The hero or heroine loses something terribly precious - often a family member or other loved one, sometimes a home or a job, sometimes a dream. Whatever it may be, the Lukes and Annes and Jos and Janes are hit with a terrible loss that shakes them to their core ... and then, something beautiful and mighty softly flows into their open, defenseless hands.

A dusty old lightsaber hits a work-worn palm. A new love springs from the ashes of death. A fresh dream is softly planted by a gentle word. The morning of hope, as our Father foretold, follows the darkness of night.

***

A day still does not go by that I don't feel the bitter pain of my messy separation from my clinical graduate program. I don't know why it continues to hurt or when it will go away, but I suspect my fellow INFP friend was right when she said it was because I've never lost anything before. I've never had a close family member die, never been rejected, and certainly never poured so much of myself into something that would end in failure.

But you see ... that day that I hid under the stairwell and wept for two hours? That only felt like the end. Just like my favorite literary characters, I was really just being dragged into the place where my story could finally begin.

***

I spent most of the summer regaining my bearings. My job started as a safe place to land for a while - the old editor was a good friend of mine; the new editor is a peaceful, ambling man who puts no pressure on me; and some of the oldest employees there have known me since I was born. I thought I was protecting myself from the inevitable pain of the past and the future - yes, I had another graduate program as my upcoming destination, but for the summer, I was going to hide behind my big desk and quietly write nice little articles for nice little publications.

Well, that plan started to fall through when my new editor somehow started believing that I was a really, really gifted writer. As in, good enough that he said so to my face, to my older team members, and finally to the department head herself. My little articles gave way to bigger articles, then stories for small magazines, then out-of-town multimedia assignments.

My shattered self-confidence didn't know what to expect from any of this; but to my surprise, I not only handled it easily, but I kept getting better. I have gone from meekly penning informational releases, to crafting feature stories with flair and even humor. Next week, I will be the official media coordinator for my first statewide event.

My editor was my mentor, pushing a lightsaber into my hands and telling me to let the Force flow through me ... and somehow, I did.

***

And would you believe that this is all still just backstory?

The biggest breakthrough of all happened just after John and Heather and I moved. I was in a terrible haze of anxiety and nerves and didn't know up from down; and one day, my mom said, "Have you ever considered transferring to study in the department where you're working?"

I think I mumbled "No, not really".

She said, "Well, why don't you? Consider it, I mean. Meet with the graduate coordinator next week and just talk to him."

"About what?" I asked.

"Writing, you goof," she replied.

So I did. I went and talked to him about writing ... for two hours. Then we talked again, about educational writing. And then we talked again about Star Trek and Irish pubs and nontraditional education (homeschooling!) and theories of communication and how to use words to change people's lives.

"Please apply," he said. "You need to be here. You need to be with us so we can help you and support you. Please, please apply. We want you. I want you."

So I'm applying.

I, the scatterbrained failure, the old child who can't find a place for herself, am going to research better ways to get informational articles and materials to people who need them. I'm going to write. I'm going to take journalism classes. I'm going to keep reading and learning from the great communicators and storytellers around me. I'm going to take this incredible gift - this gift of writing that I've carried nonchalantly around on my hip all these years - and finally, truly learn how to use it, how to become a powerful communicator who can help get knowledge to people who need it.

***

I don't know what the next step will be - I haven't the faintest idea what God has in store. But for now, I'm just content to know that He isn't finished with me yet!

My biggest ongoing challenge is to not be so engrossed in self-discovery that I neglect God's teaching and wisdom. Everything has happened so fast and surprised me so much that I spend a lot of time staring at my published articles or my face on the department website and marveling that I could find myself in such a place; but I need to keep looking forward, not get stuck looking around or inward.

The past continues to be a stumbling block for me, too. I still have a great deal of bitterness festering in my heart that I'm not sure how to get rid of. But I know I have to get it rooted out now, so it doesn't taint the excitement and hard work of the next chapter of my story.

The solution, of course, to stop looking in the wrong places is to look in the right place - toward the Word of God and toward seeking His face. I desperately want His blessing and His working in every second of the upcoming years, but I need to reflect that desire in my prayer life and devotions. I pray that He would increase my desire to know who He wants me to be, and especially Who He is.

***

I pray that the Lord would sharpen me into a vessel of His grace, and that He would write in my life a story of hope that will inspire others to keep trusting Him and not give up on His loving plan!!

What about you? Has God been creating any surprises in your life? Tell me about them so I can rejoice with you!!

~ Vicki

snippets of real life

It's another cool, rainy Independence Day in my part of the Midwest, and I am relaxing in the softest of workout clothes with my cold feet propped up on one of the bins that is packed and ready to move to my new apartment.

Not that I'm ready, of course - quite the opposite. I am one month away from the big day, and realizing with terror that, in addition to calling banks and Internet companies to notify them of my new address, I need to hurry up and get my life's possessions into some semblance of order so I can drag them into my dad's truck and lug them up the stairs of my new home. I need to start mapping out my floor plan so I can see what other furniture I need besides a futon, a bed, and some chairs. And I need to make those all-important budgeting, cleaning, laundry, and cooking plans so I don't wake up one morning and realize that life has gone to seed in my mental absence.

One of my (much, much younger) friends grinned at me all through that litany of worries, and when I asked what was funny, he laughed and said "Now, look at you being all grown up!"

Funny words coming from a virtual child, but he's right.  :-)  I have a lot on my mind lately - besides moving, I want to celebrate my 15-pound weight loss by learning to lift weights and eat more healthfully. I joined the email list of NerdFitness.com this week, and I'm going to call the gym tomorrow and get a consultation with a personal trainer to help me start properly. I look slimmer on the outside, but I'd love to improve my strength and energy levels on the inside, too.

Spiritually, I have two areas that I need to work on right now ... the first is continuing to heal from my anger and bitterness over what happened during the school year. I was feeling low yesterday and started to throw a pity party about it again, but was quickly cut short by a "Vicki? Get over it. It's over, it's done with, no one cares anymore. You need to grow up and suck it up and move on. Get your head in the present." I was shocked and initially hurt; but I realized that she was right. There is a season for healing, but just as with a sprain or scar tissue, it's important to keep exercising and moving while I heal, not just sit and mope and expect to get better. So I'm trying hard to embrace my new direction and only think about last year when I have to, and then dwell on the positive parts, not the negatives.

My other spiritual task is to simply remember how much God loves me, and to remember that I love Him. This sounds simplistic; but after spending time recently with a dear friend who simply radiates and showers the peaceful love of God everywhere she goes, it made me take a hard look at my own shadowy heart and realize that I have been falling back on relating to Him through fear and shame, not love. In time, journeying back to peace must include greater self-discipline in guarding my devotion time and spending more time in prayer; but for now, I'm trying to let go of the guilty weight that says "you're not good enough" and respond with a breath of "you're right, I'm not - but He is, and He loves me and has chosen me".

And lastly, you may have noticed (*ahem* or they may not, you self-absorbed thing) that I removed several of my more personal posts regarding the guy friend. This is part of the moving-on process, too. I miss him and think of him every day; but standing and hanging wistfully over my balcony with baited breath will not bring him back. It's time for me to accept that if he wants to be part of my life, he will make an effort to do so - he knows he is more than welcome. But I can't keep looking back over my shoulder and wondering if he's coming or not. Life is too short to keep going back and reading a closed chapter over and over - I need to focus on writing this one carefully, prayerfully, and with all my heart; and I can't do that if I'm living in the dreams of the past.

***

I have a busy second half of the summer ahead of me, as you can see - and I haven't even mentioned the other everyday things like work, shopping, new babies, weddings, and travel! Lots of things are changing quickly and it's hard to keep up at times, and I'm definitely noticing the effects and aftereffects of stress on my body; but the changes are toward better days and I am excited for what the fall semester will hold.

What's changing in your life these days? Are you riding the waves and catching some sun ... or flailing underneath your overturned surfboard ... or like me, clinging to the board for dear life as the waves smash over my head?  :-)

Hugs and love and lots of summer sunshine and cookouts and fireflies to you, my dears!!

~ Vicki

The way I should go

source // pexels.com

Hi there!! I wish you could see me - I'm pretending to be a REAL BLOGGER today! I'm sitting in a coffee shop on my netbook and listening to ambient electronic music and wistfully watching people hurry by outside and everything!

*cheesy grin*

This gray, cloudy morning looks sad and gloomy from where I sit in my warm (too-tall) chair, but actually, this is just the second morning in the last two weeks that I have woken up feeling calm and "normal," not sledgehammered with anxiety and panic the moment I lifted my head from the pillow. It all started with a miscommunication that drastically changed how I viewed someone close to me for a little while; and even though it turned out to be false, it's amazing how one little conversation, even one little word, can completely turn your world upside down when you're already stressed and nervous.

Since then, it has been a daily struggle to tame my fear and my need to control everything in my life, to shun jealousy and a spirit of selfish competition, and to genuinely trust that God is going to make my life a beautiful story of His love and grace. It has been very difficult, to say the least. I have not been eating, sleeping, or taking care of my body correctly, and I am barely hanging onto my homework with the tips of my fingers. There have been hours when all that I had to rest on was only hope, because even faith was fading.

But multiple times this year already, God has brought me back to the verse that one of my mentors claimed for me early this year:

You see, all my life, I have tended to focus on the command portions of these verse. Trust. Lean not. Acknowledge. More "to-do" items to add to the long list of things a good Christian is supposed to remember and do.

But this year, and especially these last two weeks, God has been gently opening my heart to the beautiful promise part of this verse. And He shall direct your paths. 

He shall. He shall. That's not a "maybe," that's not a "hope so," that's not a check-off-all-these-items-and-bring-them-back-to-me-and-then-we'll-talk-about-it. That is a PROMISE. HE SHALL DIRECT YOUR PATHS.

And in light of that promise, the command portions of the verse suddenly take on a completely different tone - rather than being check-off items that we must complete if we want to unlock the benefit of His guidance, they are an encouragement to let go of all of our anxious nail-biting at the daily crossroads of our lives, and just to acknowledge that He is in control and He understands so, so much more than our finite minds can comprehend in those moments.

Instead of staring at my phone on Saturday night and wondering if that nice guy will be at church the next morning (yes, that's really the crux of what all this anxiety has been about), I can acknowledge that God sees and gently carries my hopes and fears, and rest in knowing that He is writing my story and that He will make the next chapter full of His beauty and light - whether that involves someone walking through life by my side, or my enjoying another year of unhindered basking in His grace. And with that simple acknowledgement, He sets His promise of guidance and direction in motion.

Instead of lying in bed and agonizingly analyzing everything I said and did over the course of the day, and weeping over the decisions I know I'll have to make tomorrow, I can simply commit my words and actions to Him, repent of the ones I know are sinful, and trust Him to weave the rest into something that reveals His sweet fragrance in my life.

***

Trust is hard. It's so much "easier," in human terms, to nervously stick our hands into a situation and work everything out ourselves - like I have been doing way too much of lately. But my understanding is so tiny compared to His understanding, and I can't see the end before the beginning, the way He can. If I want the back cover of my life-book to close on a beautiful, joyful, Spirit-overflowing life, as I do, then the best thing to do is to simply turn off the phone, get off of Facebook, and retreat to the safe garden place of His rest and care.

And He will direct {my} paths.

***

What about you? I know you're having to trust God for hard things in your life lately, too - how is the struggle going for you, to remember that He has your story all planned and is writing up something beautiful in your life? I pray that God would remind you every day that He loves you so, so very much and that He is more than willing to take the burden of worry and control off of you, so that you can relax and enjoy seeing where each day takes you. Stay strong, my brothers and sisters!!

Hugs and love (from my little coffee-shop stool!),

Vicki

Weekend

I had such a simply wonderful weekend! I got to take some time away from classes and remember other things that I love to do and be, like photographing the pretty weeds and lichens in the backyard, reading about my Scottish ancestors, watching lame movies, and listening to incredible a cappella music:




A dear friend and my grandmother encouraged me this weekend to remember to lean more heavily on the Lord during this difficult time of adjustment and soul-searching. My grandmother gave me a beautiful prayer journal that she wants me to doodle in (not write; I don't have many words left by the end of the day - just doodle) every night during my devotion time, and I'm eager to see if it helps me remember and hold onto what I read a little better. It didn't work last night because I waited to start my devotions until very late, and was busy trying not to fall asleep and topple headfirst off the bed; but it's early yet tonight, so we'll see if I can focus a bit better.  :-)

Oh yes, and I spent a lot of time researching patterns and history for my very first upcoming French and Indian War reenactment puttering with some other hobbies too.

*grin*

I didn't work as far ahead on my homework as I ought to, and I didn't do any professional networking or career-enhancing activities besides going into the office to do a little data analysis; but I badly needed this weekend of rest. I feel refreshed and ready to dive back into my studies and work tomorrow with renewed vigor.

How was your weekend? Did you get some much-needed refreshment?

Hugs and love and toffee nut lattes to you,
~ Vicki

Waiting for the Wedding

I watched a bit of the most recent Duggar wedding on the Learning Channel last week, and when I flipped it on, Mr. Duggar was explaining why the bride and groom had decided to wait until their wedding day to share their first kiss. I turned it off at that point because I've heard these stories a thousand times before; but it did gave me a smile, for a different reason - it reminded me of something special that I thought about during my devotions last week.

I'm doing a read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year plan this year. This past week and a half, I've been reading the events of Holy Week in the book of Matthew; and when I read Jesus' words at the Last Supper this time, I was struck with a very special thought:

"While they were eating, Jesus took some bread, and after a blessing, He broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said, 'Take, eat; this is My body.' And when He had taken a cup and given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, 'Drink from it, all of you; for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins. But I say to you, I will not drink of this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in My Father's kingdom."

~ Matthew 26:26-29

Kissing on the lips is a Western symbol of romantic love, shared affection, and mutual enjoyment of one another's bodies and emotions. For this reason, some couples wait to share this symbol until the wedding, to show that they value the sacredness of their love enough to wait until they will be together for the rest of their lives. In a similar (but much more powerful) way, drinking wine in the context of the Last Supper is not just the physical consumption of a liquid; it is a symbol of Christ giving His blood, letting the nails and spears tear open His veins and pour His holy blood out onto the ground, a guilt offering given as atonement for the sinful people He loves. And when Jesus promised at the Last Supper that He would not drink wine again until we could all share this special symbol together, He was demonstrating not only His victory over death and sin, never to shed His blood and die again; but His anticipation of the day when we can celebrate His precious gift together, finally with Him for all eternity.

What a romantic thought! I hope this isn't the case for you, but I know that in my life, I rarely think about the fact that Jesus wants to be close to me much, much more than I want to be close to Him. I tend to feel in my heart like His dying on the cross was more of a duty, a noble sacrifice worthy of a lofty Shakespearean hero - something He did just because He was God and it was the right thing to do. But the fact is, that's not true at all. It was not the "right" thing to do - it was wrong on so, so many levels. The all-powerful, infinite Creator of the universe, reducing Himself to a frail, unattractive human body, letting that body be spit on and torn and beaten by the very people He was coming to save? Letting His total, majestic, white-hot purity and sovereignty be crushed under the humiliation of a criminal's death? Bearing the ugly scars of this death for the rest of eternity? It was an injustice, a crime, a shame of the highest order. He did not suffer all this because of a sense of duty. He suffered all this because of a passionate, burning, world-encompassing LOVE.

And so, on top of everything He suffered to bring us into a love relationship with Him, Jesus now holds this special, sacred symbol, abstaining from all wine until He can drink it with His beloved Bride, the Church that He died to ransom.

We, of course, are asked to continue celebrating the Lord's Supper, to keep us in remembrance of His love while we wait for His return. There is a chance that we, in our frailty, could forget sometimes how much He loves us; so He asks us to continue to remember by sharing this symbol together. But He, in His perfection, will never forget how much He loves us; and so He waits, His very abstinence a testimony to the patience and fullness of His love.

This is romance of the highest order. A foregone kiss, a special ritual between a couple - these things are beautiful, lovely earthly shadows of the great Wedding that is to come. But none of them can come close to the awesome beauty of the loving Savior, waiting in heaven to bring His Beloved to the wedding table, where together, at last, we will look into His eyes, perhaps feel the gentle touch of His scarred hand, and celebrate face-to-face the joy and wonder of His loving sacrifice for us.

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty, Who was, and Who is, and Who is to come!

11-12-13

Hello friends! Wow, it's been a long while since I posted on here! The time surely slips away when you're busy - and I'll bet the readership does, too!!  :-}

Life has been good but amazingly busy ... last night was the first night in two weeks that I've gone to bed before 1AM! But it's been a good semester for me, all around - part of the reason I haven't been writing is because I've made a lot more real-life connections this year, both with Christian girls who are active in their churches and community-minded girls who are active in their organizations; and they've kind of swept my shy self along with them. Which has been really different, and really neat! In the last couple of weeks I've helped to plan a university-wide conference and rally, and this month I've been invited to be a student representative at a leadership conference. I'm very excited to see how they all turn out!

Daily life, though, has not been quite so exalted. It usually isn't.  :-) Today was my day off, so I walked around the campus gardens in a steady snowstorm, taking pictures of (dead) flowers:

It only took about 20 minutes for my hands to be so blue and frozen that I had to give up, but I got a few pretty good pictures and enjoyed feeling creative for a little while ... even if people did stare at me as they walked by ...  :-P  Dead flowers in the snow are pretty, people!!

Oh yes, speaking of creative:

Isn't he the cutest thing?? I got my pattern from http://overthebifrost.tumblr.com/, which has all kinds of adorable photos and ideas for crocheted Loki and Thor toys (from the Marvel Comics Thor movies, for those of you who live a more normal life than I do). This one is going to be a Christmas present for a dear friend of mine, as soon as I finish his helmet!

Hmm, and what else have I been doing besides indulging in oddities? ... Getting fairly good grades, doing some exciting things in my classes, and getting some confirmation that I'm on the right track with my major - which is always a good thing! I actually have been keeping up with everyone here on Blogger, too, even though I haven't commented much, and I'm so glad to see that you're all doing so well!!

The Lord has been working on a bunch of different things with me lately ... mostly showing me how narrow and selfish my view of the world is, and how obligated I am to open my eyes and look around me at the needs and hurts of others. I've also been working hard to establish the habit of reading a short devotion every morning when I wake up, in addition to my longer devotion in the evening, with the goal of directing my thoughts to God very first thing in the day. It has really been making a difference in my thoughts during the day - I'm really motivated to make this habit last for the rest of my life!

And that's about it! Here's a closing song for you, one that's been really encouraging and thought-provoking to me lately:



I love you all very much!! Feel free to drop me a line and say hello, if you haven't forgotten me!!

Hugs,
Vicki

My Real Self

She's the office jokester, the class brain, the short, funny-faced girl with the geek glasses and red Converses.

People think she's a little quirky - she loves to perch on desks and tell stories, sends pictures of Darth Vader to her coworkers while she's on the clock, and has been caught blasting rock music in her cubicle when she thinks the office is empty. Yet when the time comes for her to hitch up her backpack and head out, the work is always done and neatly stacked on her desk.

She loves to talk, about anything and everything, from the most serious of events in your life, to the silliest fluff that she found on the Internet. She knows all the answers in class and is usually the one to start all the discussions - she positively dominates her Spanish class, as long as she's had the right amount of caffeine. People marvel at how much she gets done - despite having multiple jobs and being over the limit for how many credit hours she's allowed to take in one semester, she always seems to have time to talk with her friends, work ten extra minutes, or explain the latest homework assignment. They're not sure if it comes from her ubiquitous jug of sweet tea or just her ebullient personality.

***

That doesn't sound much like me, does it?

No, it doesn't. And yet I tell you the truth: That is me, at least the "me" that most people know. That is the costume that I put on every morning when I walk out of the house, and step out of with relief as soon as I walk back in the door.

Someone asked me this week how I was able to have so many friends and be so well-liked by people, which I do seem to be; and after thinking about it, I realized what the answer had to be - because I act like a chatty, bubbly extrovert when I'm with them, talking my head off, using uptalk and vocal fry, and perpetuating my reputation as a geeky, endearingly childish, but hard-working and smart dork.

And then I wondered - what would happen to all of these friends if I decided to be my real self for a day?

What would happen if I started doing, making, and talking about the things that were really important to me, instead of covering myself up and pretending to be something I'm not? What if I went out one day and was the real me - quiet, sad, peaceful, artistic, and curious - instead of being loud and funny? What if I really admitted that I was feeling little and vulnerable and alone, instead of boisterously pretending that life was peachy?

I don't think most of my friends, chatty extroverts that they are, would probably want to be friends with me anymore. Compared to how sparkly and vivacious they all are, I seem very flat and misty gray.

 ***

It's very draining to pretend to be someone you're not all day. I was discussing recently with some INFP friends that when I don't get enough recharge time during the week - time to listen to sad music, to sleep, to walk outside, and to be quiet and serious for a while - then I become physically ill, with things like body aches and upset stomach, like I've had today. (I know that happens to lots of people; I'm not trying to do the INFP I'm-more-special-than-anyone-in-the-world thing!) This week has been especially difficult for me - it's been very productive and successful, but I've been spending many more hours than normal in my phony persona, and it's been taking its toll on my body and my mood. I look and feel awful.

As I spend more and more time with my friends and become more and more immersed in the world, I feel myself drifting further and further into a mist of lostness, like I'm just hanging onto the Lord with my fingertips. In denying my earthly personality, the way God made me, I am opening the door to also stifle my identity as a sanctified daughter of God. When I deny myself the chance to be quiet, then I deny myself the chance to pray; when I let myself get pulled by my friends into Benedict Cumberbatch and pop music and interpersonal drama, I let myself get pulled into distraction, fruitlessness, and wrong thoughts and actions.

I need to change. I need to be the way God made me, both in terms of my personality and in terms of my identity and my sanctification as a Christian. But do I dare get up tomorrow and be my real self? How can I, when everyone already knows me as the mouthy geek girl? What would happen if I let the veil fall away from my face for one day and let people see inside it? Would it be as awful as I think it would? Or could it possibly be the answer to all my problems?

Confusedly,
Vicki

Addicted?

Have any of you ever wondered if you might be actually addicted to the Internet? I don't mean in the casual use of the word; I mean like an actual addiction, something that messes up your life and takes away the best of your energy and time. Have any of you ever experienced anything like that?

I'm asking because it's 1:30AM on Sunday night - I should have been in bed long ago, getting rested and refreshed so I can get up early and be prepared for class tomorrow. Instead, I'm still up, cramming for an exam and trying to catch up on the huge pile of things I didn't do this weekend because I spent literal hours on Pinterest, watching YouTube videos, and playing on Facebook.

I have struggled with spending too much time on the Internet almost since I got my own laptop, five or six years ago. But this year in particular, I've noticed it getting much worse. I'm starting to miss assignments, turn in shoddy work, and spend late nights like this one, cramming, all because I've eaten up my best time on Facebook or watching yet another music video about the Reichenbach Fall.

I'm worried.

My first impulse when pondering the problem is to have my sister change all of my passwords and keep me off of everything for a couple of months until I learn to control myself; but I can't do that for my biggest black hole, Facebook, because one of my duties as an officer in my student organizations is to update the Facebook pages and communicate with other officers. I've tried to set time limits for myself, but they typically last about three hours (until my morning's classes are done and I have a half-hour break for lunch).

The other thing that worries me, and I'm going to confess this very humbly and honestly, is that I don't just
spend hours on Pinterest looking at crafty things and recipes. I'm looking at Josh Groban and Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston. Now, I'm a very prudish person, and I doubt that any of my starstruck fantasizings would ever meet anyone's standards for inappropriate; but it doesn't matter, because I'm still dedicating huge amounts of time and brainpower to unsaved men who have no idea I exist. My devotions typically last about 5-10 minutes in the evening. My YouTube reveries last hours.

So I'm really not sure what to do at this point. Ask someone to help me stay accountable on my time limits? Write out a schedule for my day and force myself to stick to it? I do pray for help, but when my mind is so full of fluff, my prayers usually come out pretty fluffy too. I feel like I spend every day nagging myself to get to work, get off the Internet, quit listening to that song, listen to something besides Josh Groban, don't daydream during exams, get off Pinterest during lecture ... it's very frustrating.

Father, I'm so sorry for how I've been wasting and abusing the time You've given me, such a precious gift. Please forgive me and show me how to break these bad habits so I can come back to full, intentional fellowship with You and be attuned to the world around me!

Confusedly,
Vicki

The Love Letter

 "Darling."

His rich voice softly interrupted my thoughts, like a leaf gently dropping onto the face of a still lake. I sighed a little. All day, I had been trying to avoid him so I could read my first-edition novel, but he had been following me, asking me the same question, over and over. "Please come and sit with me." Yes, I loved him dearly; but he always wanted me to spend time with him on his schedule, not mine. Sometimes I just didn't feel like talking to him.


"Darling?"

This time I sighed audibly and looked up. He was kneeling beside me, his whole face glowing with tenderness and love, holding a letter in his hands. "Darling, I wrote this for you. It's a gift, just for you. I've worked on it for years, adding a little each day, working on it long into the night sometimes, just to make sure it was absolutely perfect for you. Vicki, my beautiful bride, I love you so much. Please, come sit with me for a little while and read it. Won't you?"

I looked longingly back at my novel, and irritation stirred in my heart; but I tried to hide it with a pasted-on smile. "All right, dear. I'll come, but just for a little while."

I guiltily noticed the unmasked joy on his face as he bounded to his feet and took my hand in his, leading me out into the garden and settling me carefully underneath a blooming grape arbor. It was a beautiful golden evening. And he certainly was beautiful in the rosy light, with those sparkling blue eyes and that sensitive face so full of life. I grimaced at the familiar guilty, stabbing need to know him better than I did. I could feel the vast depths of his intelligence and character every time I was near him, like a mysterious forest waiting to be explored, and many times I could barely breathe for the need to know more about that beautiful heart and mind; but there were always so many other things to do ...

"Here, Vicki," he said eagerly, offering me the letter. "Please read it. I can't wait any longer."

I glanced at my watch. I could spare five or ten minutes. But the letter was long, I realized with dismay as I took it in my hands and felt how thick it was. Well ... I'd just have to read quickly.

I skimmed over the pages as fast as I could. The phrases I caught were beautiful - "beloved ... sacrifice anything for you ... forgive all the times you've hurt me ... your rapturous beauty ... how I long to hold you in my arms and keep you safe from everything that would ever hurt you ... cannot wait for the day when you will be my bride ... yours only and forever". 

But I really didn't catch much of the letter. Time was ticking away, and I mostly skipped the last few pages, hoping my smile looked heartfelt as I looked up and handed the letter back to him.

"Thank you, my love," I said, trying to put sincerity into my voice. "That was beautiful."

He looked eager for a moment, but he saw through my falsehood almost immediately, and the light in his eyes died. "I'm so glad you liked it," he said quietly, and folded the letter slowly before slipping it back in his pocket.

"I did," I said quickly, glancing at my watch again. Ten minutes were finally up! I smiled and took his hand for a moment. "May I read it again sometime?"

He smiled sadly and avoided my eyes. "Of course. Anytime. Just ... let me know when you have time. I'll be here."

"Thank you, darling!" I kissed him briefly on the cheek and hurried away, back to my novel at last. I couldn't wait to see how it ended!

***

Wow.

I want you to insert your favorite guy into this story for a minute. I wrote it with Tom Hiddleston in mind, because he is the celebrity crush that I value the most for his intelligence, cultured air, old-fashioned education, and tragically poetic good looks; and I want you to do the same thing - this story is about your husband, your boyfriend, or your most treasured literary/movie crush. Or, if you'd rather, make it about your brother or your father and ignore the romantic parts. But regardless, think for a moment of the man whose love you value more than any other.

Would you treat him this way?

I hope not. I know not.

Who would rather read a stale old novel than a handwritten love letter from _______________ [insert your man here]? I would burn all my novels rather than miss one word of any letter from Tom Hiddleston, romantic or otherwise. I would drop everything I was doing just to sit in silence and listen to him talk for even an hour. I would treasure such a letter or such an hour for the rest of my life, daily rereading the words he'd written for me, telling all of my friends and family about the incredible treasure I possessed.

So why do I treat the Lord the exact same way that ungrateful girl treated her lover?

I have a love letter from the One Who created me - the One Who designed my body with its gray eyes and crooked smile, the One Who shaped my personality with all its unpredictable ups and downs, the One Who wrote the entire story in which I am an integral character. The One Who loved me more than any romance hero ever could when He was lashed, beaten, torn, spat on, and brutally nailed to a cross to purchase my freedom from the kingdom of darkness.

He wrote me such a letter. A letter that tells me I am valued, cherished, and beautiful because I belong to Him. Not only did He write it, but He wants to sit with me as I read it, watching my face, answering my questions, and reassuring my doubtful heart that He really means everything He says.

Think about that! This isn't just some man who will be gray and fat and grouchy in a few years! This is GOD, the eternal Ruler of the Universe, the One Who commands the lightning and the rain, the One from Whom all the powers of darkness flee in terror! And He wants to spend time with you! And with me! And we act like the girl in the story, exasperatedly watching our clocks until "devotion time" is over and we can hand the letter back to Him and get back to whatever petty things we were doing!

May God forgive me for my apathy, idolatry and worldliness!

~ Vicki

Beloved

I have had a really long day of self-chastisement. It's been awful. See, I came across an article last night that, while filled with all kinds of excellent conviction and guidance, filled me with deep shame at all of the things that I'm not doing in my Christian life.

I don't pray enough. I don't read my Bible enough - I certainly don't read the Bible nearly as much as I watch TV. I don't like most Christian music - the musicianship of it never quite satisfies me the way top-notch classical or secular music does. I don't work hard enough at my homework, I don't take very good care of my body, I don't witness much at all, and I'm not as responsible with my money as I should be.

I idolize Tom Hiddleston and Josh Groban. I enjoy Star Wars and Star Trek and wear them on T-shirts and things, even though they both promote messages that are deliberately anti-Christ. I snap at my younger siblings. I spend way too much time thinking about getting married. I'm not very feminine or ladylike (I'm excited to go to class this week wearing my new Star Wars tee, my black geek glasses, and my Converse tennis shoes).

And then I read passages like:

... A good woman can be like a star of hope, a beacon-light, a peaceful retreat, to the man who is struggling against obstacles of the world. In her he can see the ideal purity and truth, and his manhood will strive to be worthy of her. But if she steps down from the path of true, virtuous womanhood and becomes petty or sinful, she will be his downfall.  (Beautiful Girlhood, by Karen Andreola)

Eeah. I guess I'm causing the downfall of mankind, because I am definitely not a true, virtuous woman - I am most definitely petty and sinful.

In fact, I would say I'm a sloppy, smelly, hairy, green mess as a Christian.

How do I start improving such a laundry list of problems? I know I can't tackle all of them at the same time, or I'll never make any headway. Some of these problems are most decidedly out of my own strength to remedy, because I've tried for years and made absolutely no progress. The thing that's really hurt me today is my fleshly voice looking at that list and crying, But I don't want to change! I don't want to give up _______  and start _______ ing! I like my comfortable sloppy worldly life!

I really don't know what to do. I'm a mess and not a fit representative of the kingdom of God.

He loves me. That much I know. That much I will cling to: He loves me. Whatever else I am or am not, I am His, and He loves me. And He'll help me.

Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.

God Is the Strength of My Heart

Whom have I in heaven but thee? 

and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee. 

My flesh and my heart faileth: 

but God is the strength of my heart, 

and my portion for ever.

 Psalm 73:25-26 KJV

***

Kevin Inafuku - Majesty Music - "God Is the Strength of My Heart"

***

I hope you are resting in God to provide His strength to your hearts this week!

Love,

Vicki

Complete

Courtesy of Pinterest ... where else?

Hi there.  *Sniff*  I'm sacked out on the couch, watching The Love Bug and eating cherry turnover and thinking about how cool it is to watch Dean Jones movies before and after he became a Christian because he was so different after he got saved ... and anyway, trying to kick this silly cold / fever / sore throat so I can go to work tomorrow.  :-(  I've also been dragging around through Pinterest all day, looking at warm and healthful things to try to feel better. So far it's only working mentally.  :-)

-----------------------

Between resting and chasing little brothers today, I've been thinking about a couple of things that are slightly related - the first is related to entertainment. I have seen in two separate places in the last week that evangelical Christians spend something like 7 times more hours watching TV than they do reading their Bibles and praying ... and I know even without calculating that I easily fall into that category. I don't have any deep or helpful comments on the topic yet, but it is something that I have been thinking and praying about a lot, so I know it will come up again. It's a very convicting and embarrassing statistic.

-----------------------

Another thing I've been pondering is the quote that I posted for New Year's - including the Lord in every facet of my life. Only, that's not really the best way to put it - including Him? Like it's my life and I'm letting Him into it? Too often I know I have that mentality. In reality, because I have repented of my sins and trusted Him for salvation, "my life" as I know it no longer exists. The old Vicki is dead; now "to live is Christ" - it's His life, He owns it and has written it in its entirety, and all I have to do is rest, trust in Him, get to know Him and give Him my heart. He will direct the rest.

Why do I constantly come at it backwards? That I have to do so much "stuff" and then seek my Lord's face to get relief from my weariness? The Bible says that if I seek His face first, then all the "stuff" will fall into place.

The book of Hebrews compares it both to the Israelites' rest in the Promised Land and to God's rest on the Sabbath day of Creation - not forced rest, like a hospital stay; but more like a vacation. Relaxing and spending time with the One you love, because all of the work is done. He did it all on Calvary - He not only saved us from death and hell, but He fulfilled the Law and lived the perfect life, and when we receive His life, we receive this completeness, this holiness. It is His; we didn't earn it, we merely receive it. But it's ours just the same. Because of Him, I am clean and complete.

So if all of the work is already done and my job is simply to rest in Him, why do I constantly run around trying to be a better Christian, do more good works, be a nicer person - all in my own strength? Hudson Taylor explained:

How then to have our faith increased? Only by thinking of all that Jesus is and all He is for us: His life, His death, His work, He Himself as revealed to us in the Word, to be the subject of our constant thoughts. Not a striving to have faith... but a looking off to the Faithful One seems all we need; a resting in the Loved One entirely, for time and eternity. ...

"But how to get faith strengthened? Not by striving after faith, but by resting on the Faithful One."
    As I read, I saw it all! "If we believe not, he abideth faithful." I looked to Jesus and saw (and when I saw, oh, how joy flowed)! That He had said, "I will never leave thee."
    "Ah, there is rest!" I thought. "I have striven in vain to rest in Him. I'll strive no more. For has not He promised to abide with me -- never to leave me, never to fail me?" And... He never will.
    ... As I thought of the Vine and the branches, what light the blessed Spirit poured direct into my soul! How great seemed my mistake in wishing to get the sap, the fullness out of Him! I saw not only that Jesus will ever leave me, but that I am a member of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. The vine is not the root merely, but all -- root, stem, branches, twigs, leaves, flowers, fruit. And Jesus is not that alone -- He is soil and sunshine, air and showers, and ten thousand times more than we have ever dreamed, wished for or needed. Oh, the joy of seeing this truth!

Why is this so hard for me to learn? I don't know. Maybe I'm a control freak and can't give up my hold on my life; or maybe I just forget. I know I don't spend enough time with Him. How can I rest in Someone Whom I don't spend time with and get to know?

But regardless of whys and why-nots, I know that this is such a crucial, life-changing concept that I just have to get a hold of it. It's something that I've struggled with for years, and I really, really want to understand and apply it this year. I guess it's my New Year's resolution, of sorts.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Do you rest in Him? Are you trying to rest in Him? Have any of you struggled with this (and, hopefully, embraced it)? I want to know your experience with this concept - maybe not in these exact words, but this experience.

Bless us, Lord, as we seek to draw closer to You!

Love in Christ,
Vicki