Attempting to catch up ...

I've thought about this blog a lot lately, I think because this was always the place I turned to when I had thoughts I couldn't unburden to anyone in real life.

My last post was one of those thoughts - I had my first real two-sided romance this past winter, and some poor emotional coping mechanisms (on both sides, but admittedly more on his), fears, and doctrinal disagreements came between us, and it was ... messy and ugly. It should never have happened, but I'm also glad it did - I learned about myself, and I learned about what I do and do not want in my future husband. I'll be thinking about it for a long time to come.

But, that relationship is only one of the vignettes in an explosively growth-filled six months. A friend of mine suggested that I might have codependent tendencies - that I need to feel needed by broken people in order to feel good about myself. So I have started going to counseling to learn how to think more healthily about myself - to listen to my own feelings and opinions instead of downplaying them, to learn how to set boundaries and say "no" when I need to, and to see myself as worthy, loved, and important. So many of these new ways of thinking are completely foreign to me - I'm not used to accepting limits to myself. I'm not used to taking time to rest and replenish my emotional strength - it still makes me feel "weak" and self-indulgent at times. But as I recently counseled a young student, "You can't pour from an empty cup"; and I'm learning how to fill my cup with good things in quiet time so I can pour that back into others' hearts when I'm full.

Early this year, I went out on a limb and applied for a science journalism internship with NASA - and lo and behold, I was chosen! So this summer I will be packing a U-Haul and hitting the road for the East Coast, living away from my family for the first time ever. It's only for 10 weeks, so it's the perfect length of time to see what living on my own is like; and I won't be taking any classes or working any other jobs - just writing and taking photos, 40 hours a week for 10 weeks. Four hundred beautiful hours of doing what I love best. I am definitely nervous about living away from my family, but I'm also incredibly excited.

And just like I'm wading into the scary unknown of my unhealthy emotions and flying out to the scary unknown of living with strangers in a metropolis, so I've also been swimming out into the breathtaking unknown of putting all my faith in Christ's finished work on the cross and letting go of trying to earn His favor with my "good Christian" deeds. Through a combination of counseling, sharing the Gospel with my former editor and his wife, and studying Galatians in my Bible study group, I have been shocked and confused to realize that what I thought were just "standards" I held for myself were really yet another attempt to "make God happy with me". This isn't a new struggle; it's as old as this blog - it used to be my long dresses and conservative music; now it was my attempts to be sacrificially present and nurturing to literally everyone in my life. If I could just give more of my time and my energy, then God would be pleased with me. If I could just spend more hours listening to friends vent about bad relationships ... if I could give more effort at work ... if I could set a better example for my siblings ... if I could finally get my driver's license ... if I could just be and do more, then I would finally feel that God was pleased with me.

But God in His mercy directed me to Galatians 3:

Let me ask you this one question: Did you receive the Holy Spirit by obeying the law of Moses? Of course not! You received the Spirit because you believed the message you heard about Christ. 

How foolish can you be? After starting your new lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort? Have you experienced so much for nothing? Surely it was not in vain, was it? 

(Galatians 3:2-4, NLT)

Christ is enough. It isn't "believe in Christ AND then do good works". No. Christ is entirely and wholly enough. If I were incapacitated today and could never do another good work for the rest of my life, it wouldn't matter because Christ is my righteousness. Christ is my holiness. He alone is Who and What I need to get into heaven and to secure God's favor.

As one of my dear believing professors put it, this is faith. Checking off the "checklist" of being a "good Christian" is impossible, but it is something concrete and visible that people can hold onto. You can see a long dress, or choice of music, or how you spend your time. That isn't faith. Believing that, even on those crappy days where you lose your temper and want what you shouldn't and just want to hide away from the world, Christ is still enough and God still loves you - that is faith. It's ambiguous. It can't be seen or held, and sometimes can't even be felt. But it is beautiful and it is empowering and it is what sets us free from guilt and shame and fear.

Learning all this simultaneously - clinging to a failing relationship while believing Christ is still enough; applying for a NASA internship while learning how to develop healthy friendships with myself and others - has been a rollercoaster of crying and laughing and staring blankly at this upended world that I now inhabit. But I can't wait to see what my Potter is doing as He squishes me down and reshapes me from the wheel up. Who am I about to become?

***

I do miss this space and all of you, and I leave it up so I can come back here and keep it alive in hopes of returning regularly. I pray that God is working in your lives as amazingly as He is working in mine, and that each of us is being lovingly polished and crafted into vessels that His glory and brightness can shine through.

Be well, friends. I love you.

~ Vicki

uprooted

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet my new baby, Legolas.

Legolas is an unidentified species of green plant that I bought the other day, and he has proudly and officially become the guardian of my new home. He is quite the handsome gentleman and performs his job admirably.

And the real news, of course, is that I have moved.  :-)  For a week and a half, I have successfully adulted in my very own apartment and I love, love, love it.

It was very difficult at first - easily the hardest transition I've ever made. I am very thankful that John and Heather moved with me and we're all living together; because for the first few nights, I don't know if I would have eaten or changed clothes or done any self-care at all. I have never felt so foundationless and primally disturbed. It was like my entire self had somehow fallen out of the bottom of one of my boxes and disappeared. I would come home from work and just wander - pick things up and put them back down, go into the kitchen, leave the kitchen, go to clean things up in my room but wander back out again - always burdened by an eerie feeling that I needed to do something, but never quite sure what I needed to do - and certainly not able to finish anything I started.

But ... I'm better now.  :-)

***

Things are much quieter and more relaxed with just the three of us. Much less stuff, currently much less work. Laundry is a problem - the machines in our building are incredibly expensive and ridiculously slow, so last week we got so behind that we had to haul our overstuffed hamper back to Mom and Dad's and use their machines. We have since acquired some drying racks, and I'm going to do a load or two tonight so I don't get so behind again.

My favorite thing about the move so far is very small - I like being able to sit with the patio door open for a few hours every evening while the sun goes down, without upsetting anyone's allergies. I know, so prosaic! But fresh air and sunshine have always been really important to my mental health, and I could never leave the windows open for long at home because my family has such bad allergies. It has done wonders for my spirit to be able to welcome the evening into my home.

***

There is a lot going on in my life right now, so much that I'm not sure how to summarize it ... I'm afraid I've done much too much self-reflection lately and not enough seeking God's face and God's will, so I'm not seeing things in the perspective I ought, either.

Basically, when I uprooted myself from my home, it seems that God was quietly and dramatically uprooting some other things, too - my educational plans, my career plans, and the way I see myself as a person. I'm going to talk about it all in another post soon, but the gist of it is that I'm trying to courageously use the talents God has given me, while avoiding the opposing pitfalls of paralyzing fear and self-obsession. It's a very delicate balance, and the path ahead is incredibly murky; but I know that my Father is holding my hand, and that He knows where He is taking me. And regardless of what my emotions tell me, I know that's all I need to know.

***

What about you? Are you being uprooted in any areas lately? How are you handling the aftermath - can you see yet what's being planted?

(Also, I love you and I've missed you during my absence!!)

~ Vicki

i will wait for love

Over the last week or so, quietly, inexplicably, I have found myself stepping back from my one-sided relationship of the last year, and looking at it.

And silently, I have admitted to myself that it wasn't as pretty of a thing as I thought it was.

I know, they never are; but the real ones, the ones that are going to last, have a strength to them that holds together all the messiness and gives them shape - a solid skeleton under the uneven, shaky, imperfect tissue that knits together the "one flesh".

This one was like a skeleton with osteoporosis. Much too fragile to stand up to the weight and blows of daily life ... because only one of us was building, and I was building haphazardly and without proper materials. It was doomed from the beginning, just like he said it was.

***

He didn't respect me or my judgment. He frequently told me - and others - that I was scatterbrained, unreliable, inconsistent, and confusing. He called me condescending names, questioned my decisions, and said he liked it when I got angry or jealous because it reassured him that I was human.

In turn, I tried to use him as a security blanket when he didn't want to be. I placed selfish demands on him by seeking attention and support when he was already fighting stress and worry; I got peevish and angry when he didn't drop everything to tend to my needs; and I tried to shame him into conforming to the ideal I had built in my head for him.

Yes, I really was that ugly. And so was he.

That's not to say that it wasn't a very special, important relationship while it lasted. God let us find each other so that we would each have someone to lean on during the pain we went through last year - my rejection and failures, his insecurities and fear. When I was able to put aside my own needs and really listen to him, and when he was able to put aside his standoffishness and really listen to me, each of us was the support and understanding that the other needed.

But while that would have been a great start for a lasting relationship, it wasn't enough to sustain it. A relationship that lasts must be built on respect, trust, selfless care, and ultimately, a desire to serve and exalt God together. Because he didn't respect me, and I didn't trust him, and because neither of us could let go of our selfish wishes for the relationship (me to warm it up, him to cool it down), it could not survive.

***

As one of my dear friends said, the good thing to come out of this relationship is that now I know I can love - which I had strongly doubted in the past. I loved him very imperfectly, it's true; but if love is the genuine desire for someone's well-being and the willingness to sacrifice for that well-being, then I did love him. For every time I caved to my pounding heart and shot him a bothersome text, there were three or four times that I pushed the phone away and left him alone. His grades and reputation were huge motivators in how hard I worked on our joint projects. And when I could make him laugh and forget about his troubles for a moment, I felt like the most powerful and successful woman in the world.

I'm not going to try to love him in this way anymore. I've made sure, the last two times I've seen him, to let him know that he can come to me anytime he wants to vent or take a break from school, and I have genuinely meant it - not as a ploy to get him to go out with me. Now he knows it; and with that promise successfully tucked in his pocket, I can leave and freely explore the big world opening up ahead of me.

I hope - I really do hope - that he will call me back every so often. I hope I can stop by his office and sit with him in the afternoon again sometime. I hope, someday, he'll give me that hug that he never quite did. But I'm not going to chase after it anymore. Love that is not freely offered is not love at all.

***

I continue to hope that, somewhere along my journey, I find a tall, brown-eyed Jesus lover who welcomes me into his heart with warmth and understanding - someone who values and cherishes me, who looks at me with pride, not disgust. I pray that there is a man who will grow stronger and bolder when I shyly hand him my heart, who will allow me to add my strengths to his and to gently pour compassion into his weaknesses. I pray that there is a man who will raise up children with me, loving and protecting them as precious gifts from God.

I have caught a tiny glimpse of what love can be, and I see now that it is worth wanting and worth waiting for. And whether I am ever allowed to step fully into its light, I now know that the love of my friends and their husbands is worth supporting, nurturing, and protecting as a friend, not something to be feared or sneered at. Any pain or disappointment I have felt over this past year has been completely worth it, if I have truly learned this lesson.

After all - "for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God (1 John 4:7)". May I always value and protect this most precious gift.

and forgive us our trespasses

***

To forgive.

Who would know that it would take me until I was almost 30 to learn what it means to forgive?

For more than a month, I have tried to pretend that I didn't need to forgive. I have tried to pretend that I was only hurt, wounded, vulnerable, and sad - not angry. After all, I'm the nice one. The sweet-tempered one who never, ever gets angry.

Well ... I've been angry.

I have felt wronged, betrayed, and abandoned; and I have wanted to hurt them in return. I have cloaked a desire for revenge in a pretentious desire for justice. And I have stored up bitter words and actions that I have desperately longed to spew out in an acid rain shower for all to see.

Yes, certainly I have been hurt and vulnerable. But I have also been angry.

I have been holding onto this anger even past the point when I knew I shouldn't, because I convinced myself I was going to fight for some kind of justice. I told myself I was going to channel my anger to make change, to stand up for the poor defenseless students coming after me who were going to be subjected to the deception, unfairness, and harshness that I endured. Well, I still would like to do that; but - was it really for the students that I wanted to stand up and make a ruckus? Or was it really for myself, to stand up and shout to the world that I had been cheated and wronged?

***

It's time to let go.

"Forgive" is defined by the Webster-Merriam Online Dictionary as "to give up resentment of, or claim to requital for". Easton's Bible Dictionary defines "forgiveness", in reference to God's forgiveness of a sinner, as being absolved from condemnation and removed from guilt and liability.

So forgiving my professors means not being angry anymore, and it means ceasing to believe I should be repaid for the wrong they did me.

I am not going to look back at those painful days and sleepless nights and let my blood boil anymore. I am going to say: I am a fallen sinner just like the people who hurt me, and I need forgiveness just as much as they do, for offenses just as bad against others. I am not better than they are. This was God's will for me, and He never allows me to pass through pain for no reason - He will bring blessings and good fruit out of the dug-up places in my heart, as long as I raise my hands to the rain and say "Behold the handmaid of the Lord; be it unto me according to thy word".

I'm not going to look for ways to "make them pay". I'm not going to keep expecting someone to admit they were wrong and apologize. I am going to "accept the apology that was never offered". And I'm going to allow the Lord to gently close that chapter of my life as He sees fit, and stop dragging my heels and looking back over my shoulder, like Lot's wife.

***

I want to be mighty. 

I want to be strong and active and courageous, full of righteous power. I want to be the Christian equivalent of Luke Skywalker - I want to do hard things, deny myself, and actively fight against darkness and sin in myself and the world.

Luke Skywalker forgave. Luke Skywalker didn't go after Darth Vader to seek revenge for all of the horrible things that he had done to him; he went after Darth Vader to rescue him from the spiral of destruction that had trapped him for so many years.

And I look higher and even more importantly: Jesus forgave. Jesus Christ could have righteously punished the earth and destroyed us with the death we all deserved, but He didn't. He forgave us long before we asked. He loved us when we were completely vile and hideously deformed with sin. And He allowed Himself to be punished as though He were vile and deformed with sin, instead of us.

Who am I to hold a grudge, when I have been forgiven so much? And how do I think I can grow and get stronger if I'm letting anger and bitterness shrivel me up?

***

Well, I'm done shriveling now.

I'm done being angry. All of the professors, all of the administrators: I forgive you. I love you. I truly want the best for you. And I truly believe that God wants the best for you and me and all of us.

I forgive. Therefore, I am free.

re{fresh}ed

We all know that quote about salt water being the cure for everything, but I think fresh water can do a pretty good job too.

This weekend, my family and I went to our nearest Great Lake and spent three hours just being. Walking along the shore, running up hills until we could barely move, photographing everything that didn't move (and lots that did), letting ourselves get windblown and sandy and wet and not even caring.

It was so wonderful to turn off the phone, let go of everything and just be myself. There was no one who cared what I looked like, no one I had to impress. I explored with my senses - how often does an NF allow herself to do that? I ran in circles like a child, squealed when the waves hit me, did Titanic poses at the edge of the water, fished out rocks with my little brothers and threw them back.

So many, many days at a time are spent all bottled up and buttoned down, carefully acting on our best behavior and trying to put our best face forward. But sometimes, we need to free ourselves to enjoy the world that God created and rejoice in the lavish beauty He has surrounded us with, and only worry about enjoying Him.

So I did this weekend. I didn't worry about my fight with the guy friend, or going back to work the next day, or whether I'm going to be able to afford moving out. I just grabbed my camera and existed.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul ...

Psalm 23:2-3a

growing up

The semester is winding down. Only the gigantic year-ending cumulative first year exam stands between me and summer vacation.

It feels so strange to be closing this chapter full of so many new beginnings. Some of them are falling like dead seeds into the ground, dormant for now, but I am confident that they will yield beautiful vegetation and shade trees and fruit one day. Some of them are still alive, fragile seedlings growing hope in the charred and dark places of my scorched heart. I don't know yet which of these tiny hope-plants will survive and thrive, and which are bound to wither away - their time and mine are in God's gentle, mighty hands. And some of them were planted just recently and they're growing strongly, bright healthy plants that promise a harvest of bountiful blessings sooner than I think.

***

This summer, I will be returning to my old writing job to take over some projects in need of a skilled hand - I hope and am determined to be that skilled hand. I'm going to see about getting involved in the music ministry at my new church - I would be thrilled to get to serve the Lord with music again!! - and finally, finally, after 10 years, get my driver's license. I'm going to keep practicing photography and looking for new ways to serve the Lord and other people through it - I was genuinely surprised how many people I've had the chance to help and bless with my new camera this semester. I'm going to wear beautiful dresses, and put a touch of pink or mauve color in my hair, and above all, I'm going to celebrate the new things that God is doing in me and through me.

***

I'm also going to be moving - for the first time, I will be moving into my own apartment! Everything has fallen perfectly into place; I know that God's timing is finally right, and I'm terribly excited - there is a dear crabapple tree that hangs its pretty branches over my balcony, and my room has a gigantic window that I can drape with romantic white curtains, and I can build bookshelves and nooks for knickknacks and have friends over for tea and old movies. I can't wait to start learning about hospitality - and the less glamorous, but equally important, joy of daily homemaking.

***

The guy friend and I have been seeing a lot of each other lately - at his request, surprisingly. I love being with him, and every time he chooses me and asks to spend time with me, I feel like I could fly to the moon. His presence in my life is definitely a catalyst for several different hard, important lessons that I'm learning - that no courtship article or marriage book has it all figured out when it comes to messy relationships between multi-dimensional people; that loving someone despite their flaws and struggles is a very Christlike thing to do, not something to be ashamed of; and most importantly, that God loves to give good gifts to us and wants us to have joyful, abundant lives, so I shouldn't be afraid to bring my requests to Him or think that He's going to slap my wrist and rebuke me for wanting a blessing. He doesn't want me to drag around feeling anxious and guilty all the time, and He certainly doesn't want "trusting Him" to look like apathetic acceptance that nothing I want will ever work out. Even if He lovingly says no and fills me with joy from a different source, He wants me to come before Him in love as a cherished daughter, and boldly ask for this hard, challenging, beautiful responsibility.

So following the example of my dear friends who are submissively but expectantly praying for other blessings in their lives - new jobs, new babies, new places - I am going to ask the Holy Spirit to guide me in two areas: Firstly, in cultivating a submissive, accepting spirit in me that authentically seeks God's glory and approval, and doesn't rebel at the thought of not getting my way; but secondly, in fearlessly watering the hope in my heart, disregarding the risk of pain, and preparing myself to be the best girlfriend I can be in case God's answer is "yes." I have no idea how one does that; but I'm starting by praying for the guy friend every day, and simultaneously trying to do better at respecting his introvert-recharge time and personal space.

***

I'm growing up, friends ... I know, it's about time (*grimace*); but it feels really good and really scary to be transitioning into decisions and opportunities that will affect other people and maybe even future generations, not just myself. It's terrifying to stand before God and ask Him if this fallen, broken, wonderful man is the one He has chosen for me. It's terrifying to think about shopping for my very own kitchen appliances and groceries and toilet-fixing gadgets. It's terrifying to see the bright excitement of the new Master's program I'm going into and wonder what hard and incredibly important service awaits me there.

But it's also beautiful. 

Tonight, I'm going to go review my notes on hearing aid algorithms and acoustic reflexes, and get myself to bed early, so I can go into that classroom tomorrow and show all those professors who didn't believe in me how much I really learned. (Or, alternatively, fail the exam bombastically and finish out my glorious failure in an appropriately dramatic burst of flaming wreckage.)

And tomorrow? Another chapter of my life-book will close, and I will step out into a brand-new one.

I may dash away a few tears, but even so, I can hardly wait.

{re: change}

I wonder how I'm going to feel in the future when I look back on the 2015-16 school year?

Right now, it feels like I have never truly lived before this year. I am honestly amazed when I step back and look at the sheer number and amount of experiences and emotions that have pounded over me and soaked me to the skin.

I have experienced physical exhaustion to the point of near-fainting and emotional exhaustion to the level of sobbing uncontrollably for three hours.  

I have thrown every iota of mental, physical, and emotional strength into something and seen it end in defeat - then I have seen hope be reborn and the Holy Spirit lift my eyes to look toward new horizons.  

I have uncovered unfairness and untruth and been their victim, and from that experience gained a desire to stand up for other students who are coming behind me.

I have discovered the strength that lies in the unchanging love of friends, and I am learning that even that strength is utterly frail and helpless compared to the ever-present love of my Father God.  

I have dared to fall in love, and felt the jagged pain of rejection cutting my heart and soul - but I have planted seeds of hope in the wounded places and watched them continue to grow, fragile and sweet and ridiculously audacious.

Defeat and hope, courage met with obstacles, injustices discovered. It's been quite a year.

***

At the advice of my mentors, and after many painful meetings and long nights of weeping, I have decided to leave my clinical program of study after this semester and move to a Master's degree program focused on health education and support. Admitting failure and letting go of my dreams and plans has been one of the most painful experiences of my life, and it will take me a long time to recover from the emotional damage of the decision and the semester in general; but God has moved in every stage of the process, and I am firmly convinced that this is His leading. There is no doubt in my mind that this is all Him, and that I am doing the right thing. Despite the sadness of failure, I am excited to see what He has planned and where He will take me next year.

This year has also been the year of my first real, complicated relationship with a man about whom I have dared to use the word love. He has cared for my heart so gently through the pain of this semester, driven me home after midnight, lifted my spirits with food and stories, carefully protected my confided thoughts, and rewarded me with the gift of his trust, his tears, and his hopes. We are a beautiful team. He calls me his confidante, his counselor, his kind and good friend ... yet for all this, he still says he does not love me in the same way that I love him. Every time he catches my eye and smiles, my heart leaps; and every time he waves and drives away, it sinks with frustration and pain.

I continue to hope. It may be futile, this tiny flower in my heart may be trampled back down again; but I continue to hope and pray. And even though I don't know what the outcome of this will be, just like the situation with school, I can say that the things I have learned through our friendship will outlast the pain, regardless of what the future holds.

***

I am a different person today than I was in August. I am no longer arrogantly enamored with my own sweetness and intelligence. I have failed, I have been the "stupid one", I have wounded others, and I have been wounded. I have learned about the depths of my own sinfulness. I have lost ten pounds and am thinking about getting my first tattoo.

I am not the same person that I was before this year.

But.

God is still the same God that He was before this year.

He has pursued my soul in a visible, vibrant, astounding way this year. He has met my collapsing soul with truth in the night when I was too weak to reach for it myself. He has nourished my soul through unexpected people and given me peace and rest in places I never would have looked for it.

I love Him. Oh, so imperfectly, so inconsistently, so unworthily of His majestic grace and all-powerful mercy; but I love Him and I am truly delighted in following Him. He is everything that I need, and even as I pick myself up and stumble away from the wreckage of my failures and broken dreams, I know that I am leaving nothing behind, compared to the glory that lies ahead in getting to know Him better, and in letting Him make me the comforting person for others that others have been for me.

Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, and today, and forever.

Amen.

when you don't know if he's the one {or, 5 ways to stay sane}

"Soooo, are you guys, like ... together?"

They have no idea what a stressful question that is. How do you slap a neat label on something as fragile and mysterious as the soft mound of a seedling just below the soil?

I just smile and shrug and say something like "Well, if we are, he hasn't told me about it, soooo ..."

I'm not being facetious. I genuinely don't know. I know that we prefer each other's company and have a lot of fun when we're together, but I also know that we are both very self-sufficient and have plenty of reasons not to start a relationship right now. For today, we are just friends. Ish.

The days, weeks, or months in which a simple friendship begins to look like something else are challenging for pretty much anyone, let alone a spinsterly homeschool alumna who has just spent the last four years of her life living and working with almost entirely women. Anxiety and questions abound, mostly all boiling down to either "is this all in my imagination?" or "oh my goodness, should I have said that?". The churned-up soil of an undefined relationship is a fertile place to grow viney worries, sticky-burr obsessions, and wild dreams that grow like invasive weeds ... as more and more of these intrusive thoughts and unexpected feelings wind around my mind and stick to my heart, their weight makes it more and more difficult to wade through each day without collapsing in nervous exhaustion.

So what's a girl to do?

***

I definitely, definitely do not have it all figured out - because my friend and I see each other every day, I feel like every morning I'm starting over, trying to understand the strange, rusty emotions that mix together weirdly in my 8AM coffee. But through this experience, I am learning some principles that are really benefiting me; and I wanted to share what I am learning in hopes that it might help someone else - not only people who might be in the early stages of a relationship as well, but anyone facing uncertainty at the beginning of a big change in their lives.

I. Pray like a daughter. I'm not talking about primly uttered prayers asking God to prepare my heart to be a perfect Proverbs 31 girlfriend, should that day come ... I'm talking about crying prayers, messy prayers, prayers about the embarrassing and scary questions that I don't know how to ask. I'm talking about scared-daughter prayers to my Father. Abba, I'm feeling angry because he didn't say goodbye before leaving ... and I know that's ridiculous because he said four times that he was really hungry ... and I'm just mad at myself for getting so stupidly mad over these stupid little things.

I guarantee that the Holy Spirit has been facepalming very hard over the confused, irrationally angry, weepy prayers that I have been mournfully tossing up to Him over these last few months ... but He has been listening and bringing me bracing truth, soothing comfort, and gentle warnings that exactly answer each unique day's heart-needs. Pray, pray, pray to God as a listening Father Who cares more about your daughter heart than even the most attentive earthly father.

II. Keep busy. The old saying "idle minds are the devil's workshop, and idle hands his tools" is truer than I wish it were. If you keep moving, the sticky burrs and vines don't have as much of a chance to stick to you - in plain English, engage yourself in good things that busy your hands and your mind, so that you don't get stuck in those horrible cyclical worries and draining fears. Put on a movie while crocheting a baby blanket for a friend or charity. Go give your bedroom a good going-over with inspirational music playing in the background. Scrub your bathtub while listening to a podcast. Doing something with both your mind and your hands will burn off some of that anxious energy and apply it to something useful - while keeping racing thoughts at bay.

III. Monitor your motivation. Maybe this is just me, but I am finding to my chagrin that what I think are my reasons for doing certain things in this relationship are not the real underlying reasons after all. For example, this evening I texted my friend to tease him a bit, as we like to do; and I told myself I was being friendly. But after firing off the text, I took a step back and truly examined my heart, and I realized that this time it wasn't really about making him smile, but about me - I feel so special when he takes time out of his busy schedule to text me, and I was seeking out that feeling because it was late in the day and I was hungry and lonely.

Now, I'm not encouraging you to start over-analyzing everything you say and do, looking for hidden ulterior motives everywhere; because trust me, that is an even worse state to be in than an impulsive one. But when we are very emotionally invested in something - something that we really want to happen - it can be easy to let our anxious hopes mix in with our bigger intentions and make them selfish. I know this is the exact opposite of what I want to happen in this friendship, whether it grows up into the next level or not; so I need to check on myself every so often to make sure that I am still acting in love and servanthood, not in selfishness.

IV. Take care whom you confide in. This is one that I have learned the hard way. In any potentially life-changing situation, it is important to have as much constructive counsel as you can get; but the key is realizing whose counsel is constructive and whose is unhelpful or even destructive. Some of the small handful of people I have confided in have been gentle, helpful, and encouraging; but others have actually contributed to my anxiety and worry quite significantly with discouraging, negative comments. When you are dealing with something that is brand-new and very important to you - whether it's a relationship like this, or something like a new job venture, a new baby, or any other new work that God is bringing forth in your life - it is vital that you surround yourself with godly counsel that will gently encourage and correct you, not scold or question you and add to your self-doubt during a time when you're generating plenty of it on your own.

V. Enjoy being yourself. Don't forget that, even though you may be eager to spend more time with your new friend and try out this "dating" thing that everyone is so excited about, for now you're still quite single; and now is a great time to remember all the things you love about this stage of your life. That looks different for everyone; but for me, it has meant Disney marathons with my brothers, taking long walks in the slowly warming weather, and enjoying lunch with my dearest girlfriends. Life as a single grad student is a beautiful thing, and whether this works out or not, I never want to lose sight of all the blessings that I have right now, right here, in this place and this moment.

***

There is no easy way to navigate this time of life, but it helps so much to remember that God has everything under control - just like every other relationship in my life, this one is to bring glory to His name and to shape and mold both me and my friend more closely into the mold of the One we love, the Lord Jesus Christ. It's not easy to continually, moment by moment, reroute these quite-natural-but-dangerously-close-to-selfish desires into spiritual channels; but the Holy Spirit is right with me with all the resources of strength and willpower from heaven at my disposal, and He wants to keep me walking the straight path of His will even more than I want to.

My God is mighty, and powerful, and the One my soul loves. My Father, whom do I have on earth besides You? No earthly friendship compares with Your white-hot love that fills and purifies every corner of my heart and soul; and I pray again that You would surround me with Your protection and satisfy every longing that I have with the beauty, majesty, and sufficiency that only You can provide!

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." ~ Jude 24-25

The way I should go

source // pexels.com

Hi there!! I wish you could see me - I'm pretending to be a REAL BLOGGER today! I'm sitting in a coffee shop on my netbook and listening to ambient electronic music and wistfully watching people hurry by outside and everything!

*cheesy grin*

This gray, cloudy morning looks sad and gloomy from where I sit in my warm (too-tall) chair, but actually, this is just the second morning in the last two weeks that I have woken up feeling calm and "normal," not sledgehammered with anxiety and panic the moment I lifted my head from the pillow. It all started with a miscommunication that drastically changed how I viewed someone close to me for a little while; and even though it turned out to be false, it's amazing how one little conversation, even one little word, can completely turn your world upside down when you're already stressed and nervous.

Since then, it has been a daily struggle to tame my fear and my need to control everything in my life, to shun jealousy and a spirit of selfish competition, and to genuinely trust that God is going to make my life a beautiful story of His love and grace. It has been very difficult, to say the least. I have not been eating, sleeping, or taking care of my body correctly, and I am barely hanging onto my homework with the tips of my fingers. There have been hours when all that I had to rest on was only hope, because even faith was fading.

But multiple times this year already, God has brought me back to the verse that one of my mentors claimed for me early this year:

You see, all my life, I have tended to focus on the command portions of these verse. Trust. Lean not. Acknowledge. More "to-do" items to add to the long list of things a good Christian is supposed to remember and do.

But this year, and especially these last two weeks, God has been gently opening my heart to the beautiful promise part of this verse. And He shall direct your paths. 

He shall. He shall. That's not a "maybe," that's not a "hope so," that's not a check-off-all-these-items-and-bring-them-back-to-me-and-then-we'll-talk-about-it. That is a PROMISE. HE SHALL DIRECT YOUR PATHS.

And in light of that promise, the command portions of the verse suddenly take on a completely different tone - rather than being check-off items that we must complete if we want to unlock the benefit of His guidance, they are an encouragement to let go of all of our anxious nail-biting at the daily crossroads of our lives, and just to acknowledge that He is in control and He understands so, so much more than our finite minds can comprehend in those moments.

Instead of staring at my phone on Saturday night and wondering if that nice guy will be at church the next morning (yes, that's really the crux of what all this anxiety has been about), I can acknowledge that God sees and gently carries my hopes and fears, and rest in knowing that He is writing my story and that He will make the next chapter full of His beauty and light - whether that involves someone walking through life by my side, or my enjoying another year of unhindered basking in His grace. And with that simple acknowledgement, He sets His promise of guidance and direction in motion.

Instead of lying in bed and agonizingly analyzing everything I said and did over the course of the day, and weeping over the decisions I know I'll have to make tomorrow, I can simply commit my words and actions to Him, repent of the ones I know are sinful, and trust Him to weave the rest into something that reveals His sweet fragrance in my life.

***

Trust is hard. It's so much "easier," in human terms, to nervously stick our hands into a situation and work everything out ourselves - like I have been doing way too much of lately. But my understanding is so tiny compared to His understanding, and I can't see the end before the beginning, the way He can. If I want the back cover of my life-book to close on a beautiful, joyful, Spirit-overflowing life, as I do, then the best thing to do is to simply turn off the phone, get off of Facebook, and retreat to the safe garden place of His rest and care.

And He will direct {my} paths.

***

What about you? I know you're having to trust God for hard things in your life lately, too - how is the struggle going for you, to remember that He has your story all planned and is writing up something beautiful in your life? I pray that God would remind you every day that He loves you so, so very much and that He is more than willing to take the burden of worry and control off of you, so that you can relax and enjoy seeing where each day takes you. Stay strong, my brothers and sisters!!

Hugs and love (from my little coffee-shop stool!),

Vicki

In the crossroads, in the fog

I am really struggling badly this week ... I feel like everything in my life is changing all at once, and the harder I try to hang onto the Lord and trust Him for peace and rest, the higher the waves of anxiety and fear and panic crash against me and threaten to throw me over the edge.

I've started this blog post at least eight or nine times and keep choking on it and deleting it. I can't seem to describe everything that's going on - viewed from the outside, it all looks good and quite manageable, things like visiting a new church, applying to a new program, and building relationships with new friends; but felt from the inside, I feel like a raging hurricane of violent emotions wrestled and squeezed into a very small, very weak, very scared little body.

People are noticing and privately texting me to ask if I'm okay. I say yes, I'm okay. But am I?

No. I'm not okay. Not really.

I'm scared. There is so much hanging in the balance based on what I do about these three huge choices facing me. I know that God is in control of my future; I keep running back to His promises to guide my steps and make my paths straight; in my heart, I know that He is guiding today's decisions just as He has so gently guided my stumbling footsteps in the past. But my heart is not speaking to my feelings right now. They are frantic, panicked, out of control.

What if I mess up? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make the wrong move and permanently mess up my life?

There is no way to know.

That's the hard part. If I could look at each of these decisions and say, "If I decide to do A, then B will happen; and if I decide to do X, then Y will happen", then everything would be easy. I could look at the two outcomes, decide which one would be most conducive to God's glory and my happiness, and make a choice. But I don't get to see that. I am standing at a crossroads with a heavy fog hanging over both paths, and I have to make my choices based on what I think, expect, and hope lies within that fog.

***

The one thing I know: GOD IS THERE. God is within the fog. God is within the fog; He is within the hurricane; He is within the sunshine that lies on the other side of the cloud and within the fog that hangs over the next crossroads, and the next. God is there. God knows what lies down each path.

I have faced decisions like these before; I have been terrified like this before. Every time, I made what I thought was the very best decision, based on Scripture and the guidance of my parents and counselors, and every time He worked through my choice. Have I messed up? Oh, yes, I certainly have! But I survived! I learned! I learned things about God and about myself that I wouldn't have learned the same way if I had chosen a different path - because God directs my steps and even if I make a "wrong turn," He has a lesson waiting there to make me stronger and draw me deeper into His arms.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, and of power, and of a sound mind. No matter what my feelings say, I need to believe that I can trust Him to lead me through the decisions; through the sad partings and shy beginnings; and yes, even through the mistakes and bad choices that I know I'm going to make. He already has those accounted for in His plan for my life, they will not surprise Him, and He will pick me up and hug me close and gently set me down on the right path again.

And who knows? Maybe I'll make the right choices.  :-)

Tomorrow

When Jesus said "do not worry about tomorrow," He meant tomorrow.

Somehow, I tend to interpret that as "five years from now." Don't worry about what you're going to do after grad school. Just worry about the next four years and I'll take it from there.

Sure, that's true. But if I interpret it that way, that still leaves a whole lot of stuff that I have to deal with myself. That still leaves me days like today, where I literally worried myself physically sick about whether I'm "meant" to stay in my clinical program or grab this research idea that's rattling around in my head and leap off into a Ph.D. program instead.

I need to remember - He really meant tomorrow. Do not worry about January 14, 2016. Only worry about January 13. Period.

Don't worry about your gigantic remediation meeting next week. Today's worries are sufficient. 

Don't worry about which program you're supposed to be in. Today's worries are sufficient. 

Don't worry about whether that nice guy will ask you to lunch with him tomorrow. Today's worries are sufficient. 

Don't worry about your first day back to clinic after a long vacation. Today you can practice; you can't do the clinic visit today, so only worry about the practicing. Today's worries are sufficient. 

Don't worry about organizing an on-site visit to give a speech about hearing conservation in two months. Today's worries are sufficient. 

Don't worry about finding an externship and moving away from home for the first time. Today's worries are sufficient.

I can't reach into the future and manipulate any of these things today. I can prepare for the meeting, carefully research all of my options with the two programs, pray for God's leading on the nice guy, practice my clinic procedures, read over the speech assignment, and begin praying about my externship. That's the stuff I can worry about. But as for the actual meeting and the actual guy and the actual clinic day and the actual speech and the actual externship, those are all "tomorrow" problems and they are all in God's hands, not mine. Therefore, worrying about them is not allowed, and only results in dreary wandering through a dreary day with a churning stomach and the shudders.

God is Master of all of Time, present and actively working in every second of all existence simultaneously; but He has very kindly divided this unfathomable thing into linear, bite-sized chunks we call days. One day is more than enough for me to handle - if I want to learn about faith and avoid stomach ulcers, I need to learn to let Him handle the things in the future, and just to focus on the tasks He set right in front of me. Today. Not tomorrow. Today.

Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Morning

This morning is so much more than beautiful - it's downright magical!!

The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,  And His sovereignty rules over all.  Bless the Lord, you His angels,  Mighty in strength, who perform His word,  Obeying the voice of His word!

Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,  You who serve Him, doing His will.

Bless the Lord, all you works of His, In all places of His dominion;  Bless the Lord, O my soul!
~ Psalm 103:19-22
***
Have a wonderful day, my dears!!
~ Vicki

Prayer

Rain by hyamei on DeviantArt

***

Do not cast me off in the time of old age;

Do not forsake me when my strength fails.

~ Psalm 71:9

***

Father, in my emptiness, 

remind me that You are the God Who can fill me up.

For He has satisfied the thirsty soul, 
And the hungry soul He has filled with what is good.
~ Psalm 107:9

***

Father, in my weakness,
remind me that You are the God Who is mighty with power and strength.

“The eternal God is a dwelling place, 
And underneath are the everlasting arms; 
And He drove out the enemy from before you, 
And said, ‘Destroy!’"
~ Deuteronomy 33:27

***

Father, in my exhaustion,
remind me that You are the God Who is always awake when I am,
and Who watches over the few precious hours that I get to sleep.

My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. 
He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. 
Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep.
~ Psalm 121:2-4

***

Father, in my confusion,
remind me that You are the Prince and Author of peace.

... for God is not a God of confusion but of peace, as in all the churches of the saints.
~ 1 Corinthians 14:33

***

Father, in my fear,
remind me that You hold my future in Your hand
and are working all things together for my good.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, 
to those who are called according to His purpose.
~ Romans 8:28

***

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: 
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
~ Psalm 61:2

Weekend

I had such a simply wonderful weekend! I got to take some time away from classes and remember other things that I love to do and be, like photographing the pretty weeds and lichens in the backyard, reading about my Scottish ancestors, watching lame movies, and listening to incredible a cappella music:




A dear friend and my grandmother encouraged me this weekend to remember to lean more heavily on the Lord during this difficult time of adjustment and soul-searching. My grandmother gave me a beautiful prayer journal that she wants me to doodle in (not write; I don't have many words left by the end of the day - just doodle) every night during my devotion time, and I'm eager to see if it helps me remember and hold onto what I read a little better. It didn't work last night because I waited to start my devotions until very late, and was busy trying not to fall asleep and topple headfirst off the bed; but it's early yet tonight, so we'll see if I can focus a bit better.  :-)

Oh yes, and I spent a lot of time researching patterns and history for my very first upcoming French and Indian War reenactment puttering with some other hobbies too.

*grin*

I didn't work as far ahead on my homework as I ought to, and I didn't do any professional networking or career-enhancing activities besides going into the office to do a little data analysis; but I badly needed this weekend of rest. I feel refreshed and ready to dive back into my studies and work tomorrow with renewed vigor.

How was your weekend? Did you get some much-needed refreshment?

Hugs and love and toffee nut lattes to you,
~ Vicki

Waiting for the Wedding

I watched a bit of the most recent Duggar wedding on the Learning Channel last week, and when I flipped it on, Mr. Duggar was explaining why the bride and groom had decided to wait until their wedding day to share their first kiss. I turned it off at that point because I've heard these stories a thousand times before; but it did gave me a smile, for a different reason - it reminded me of something special that I thought about during my devotions last week.

I'm doing a read-through-the-Bible-in-a-year plan this year. This past week and a half, I've been reading the events of Holy Week in the book of Matthew; and when I read Jesus' words at the Last Supper this time, I was struck with a very special thought:

"While they were eating, Jesus took some bread, and after a blessing, He broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said, 'Take, eat; this is My body.' And when He had taken a cup and given thanks, He gave it to them, saying, 'Drink from it, all of you; for this is My blood of the covenant, which is poured out for many for forgiveness of sins. But I say to you, I will not drink of this fruit of the vine from now on until that day when I drink it new with you in My Father's kingdom."

~ Matthew 26:26-29

Kissing on the lips is a Western symbol of romantic love, shared affection, and mutual enjoyment of one another's bodies and emotions. For this reason, some couples wait to share this symbol until the wedding, to show that they value the sacredness of their love enough to wait until they will be together for the rest of their lives. In a similar (but much more powerful) way, drinking wine in the context of the Last Supper is not just the physical consumption of a liquid; it is a symbol of Christ giving His blood, letting the nails and spears tear open His veins and pour His holy blood out onto the ground, a guilt offering given as atonement for the sinful people He loves. And when Jesus promised at the Last Supper that He would not drink wine again until we could all share this special symbol together, He was demonstrating not only His victory over death and sin, never to shed His blood and die again; but His anticipation of the day when we can celebrate His precious gift together, finally with Him for all eternity.

What a romantic thought! I hope this isn't the case for you, but I know that in my life, I rarely think about the fact that Jesus wants to be close to me much, much more than I want to be close to Him. I tend to feel in my heart like His dying on the cross was more of a duty, a noble sacrifice worthy of a lofty Shakespearean hero - something He did just because He was God and it was the right thing to do. But the fact is, that's not true at all. It was not the "right" thing to do - it was wrong on so, so many levels. The all-powerful, infinite Creator of the universe, reducing Himself to a frail, unattractive human body, letting that body be spit on and torn and beaten by the very people He was coming to save? Letting His total, majestic, white-hot purity and sovereignty be crushed under the humiliation of a criminal's death? Bearing the ugly scars of this death for the rest of eternity? It was an injustice, a crime, a shame of the highest order. He did not suffer all this because of a sense of duty. He suffered all this because of a passionate, burning, world-encompassing LOVE.

And so, on top of everything He suffered to bring us into a love relationship with Him, Jesus now holds this special, sacred symbol, abstaining from all wine until He can drink it with His beloved Bride, the Church that He died to ransom.

We, of course, are asked to continue celebrating the Lord's Supper, to keep us in remembrance of His love while we wait for His return. There is a chance that we, in our frailty, could forget sometimes how much He loves us; so He asks us to continue to remember by sharing this symbol together. But He, in His perfection, will never forget how much He loves us; and so He waits, His very abstinence a testimony to the patience and fullness of His love.

This is romance of the highest order. A foregone kiss, a special ritual between a couple - these things are beautiful, lovely earthly shadows of the great Wedding that is to come. But none of them can come close to the awesome beauty of the loving Savior, waiting in heaven to bring His Beloved to the wedding table, where together, at last, we will look into His eyes, perhaps feel the gentle touch of His scarred hand, and celebrate face-to-face the joy and wonder of His loving sacrifice for us.

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God, the Almighty, Who was, and Who is, and Who is to come!

"I Am the Prince of Wales"

As we all know, many times the enemy - be that Satan himself, his henchmen in the world, or our own wicked flesh - tempts and seduces us via subtle trickery and sensuous lies. Just one more. Only for a minute. It's not that bad. This is the temptation I most often face in my life, because it is the temptation to which I am most susceptible. I easily fall for the just for a minute line.

But sometimes, the enemy comes charging up to us with hideous banners streaming, blazing eyes, standing ten feet tall in front of us and demanding our surrender. I am powerful and mighty. Look at you cowering before me in fear and impotence. Surrender your arms to me, puny sinner.

In both of these cases, it certainly is tempting to cower and break. The subtle attacks that wear us down day after day after day with no victory in sight, or the full-out smoking ruin that tears us down with one flaming blow - the pain and discouragement of either kind of sin can bring us to our knees. Maybe he's right. I've tried to conquer that sin for years. Nothing's working. No matter what I do, I just keep falling into it. Maybe I should give up.

But in that moment, we forget who we are.

At 2:45 in the video I posted above, young Prince Henry V of England, or Hal, is fighting in the midst of a desperate battle, and he comes face-to-face with Hotspur, or Harry Percy. In this scene, Hotspur defiantly confronts Henry with the intent of killing him and seizing the throne; and Henry responds boldly with one of the great speeches of English literature:

"I am the Prince of Wales; and think not, Percy,
To share with me in glory any more:
Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere;
Nor can one England brook a double reign,
Of Harry Percy and the Prince of Wales."
~ Henry IV, Act 5, Scene 4, William Shakespeare

This should be our response when Satan tries to wrestle us into the dirt and tell us we are powerless and weak! "I am a Princess with God; and think not, Satan, to wield thy power over me any more: Two stars keep not their motion in one sphere; nor can my heart brook a double reign, of the Prince of Darkness and the King of Light."

I am a princess. It isn't just about the sin-fighting tools I have; it's also about who I am - I am the daughter of the King, with armor on my chest and sword and shield gripped in my hands, in training to rule with my Father after He comes to vanquish Satan's forces once and for all. I am powerful, because my Father is powerful. He battled Satan's forces long ago and won my heart with His own blood, pulling me out of my slavery and lifting me up in His arms. I should move with dignity and confidence because have the rights, privileges, and freedoms that come with being a royal daughter - and that, most importantly, means I am completely free from any power that Satan would try to exert over me.

Does that make it easy to fight off these temptations? Of course not. God may have won the war, but there are still battles to fight every day to rescue others and to get us safely home. Prince Hal battled valiantly against enemies from outside himself as well as against the demons in his own past. My spiritual life looks very similar. I have battles to fight, and I will get muddy, I will be injured, and I will sacrifice to protect my fellow soldiers and rescue prisoners from the other side. It will be tough and grueling.

But in the end, like Hal, we will get to our feet, raise our hands to the sky and cry, "The day is ours!"

When Your Glory Isn't Glorious

  Does not the very nature of things teach you that if a man has long hair, it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For long hair is given to her as a covering.

~ 1 Corinthians 11: 14-15

I have hair issues.

My hair is naturally very fine and thin, and I don't have very much of it. Additionally, the hair on the back of my neck and the sides of my head refuses to grow longer than a couple of inches, meaning that a ponytail or half-ponytail is going to be even thinner, and framed by beautiful scraggly chunks of hair on all sides. I remember it being healthier in high school, but poor diet, lack of exercise, stress, and years of updos have all taken their toll and left me with thin, sad hair.

The trend of super-long, thick, straight, shiny hair has been back for quite a few years now, and it's difficult being a wispy-haired girl in a Pantene world. After all, even the Bible says that a woman's physical glory is her hair - King Solomon made mention of his bride's beautiful hair many times in his love poems in Song of Solomon. In almost every culture of the world, a significant portion of a woman's beauty is found in her rich, soft, shiny hair.

So what do you do when your glory ... isn't very glorious?

***

The first thing you can do is to make sure that you're doing everything you can to make your hair look its best, regardless of whether that "best" is up to culture's standards of glorious or not. I definitely don't have it all figured out, and I don't even do all of these things consistently; but in my experience, these are some things that can help boost your hair's health and beauty.

***

- Choose the right shampoo and conditioner. One of the things that damaged and thinned my hair was the 1.5 years I used Herbal Essences shampoo. It works great for many people, but for whatever reason, I'm pretty convinced that it made my hair thinner than it used to be. The moral of that depressing story is, pay attention to what different products do to your hair. My hair is currently colored, so I use Suave Color Protection shampoo and Dove conditioner. When it's not colored, or when the color has mostly faded, then I use a volumizing formula to give my hair some thickness - being careful, of course, not to use anything too heavy that will weigh it down and make it flat.

- Use a health- or volume-boosting product. A stylist sold me a bottle of very expensive argan oil once when I wasn't paying attention, and I am terribly glad she did. That stuff is magical for making my hair stronger, softer, and shinier without being heavy or greasy. I use Healthy Sexy Hair Soy Renewal Nourishing Styling Treatment (try saying that ten times fast), a leave-in oil. There are lots of other treatments and conditioners, both leave-in and rinse-out, that can make your hair stronger and healthier. Ask your stylist for her suggestions (but you should probably do your research before you walk out with the crazily expensive mini-bottle).


- Take it easy on the updos. I hate spending a lot of time on my hair, and I especially hate having to take time during the day to find a mirror and fix it because the wind has blown it upside-down and backwards. Because of this, I have a super bad habit of braiding my hair as tightly as I can and pinning it up against my head, so it doesn't go anywhere and I can go on with my day. Unfortunately, those tight braids, pins, and elastics wreak havoc on my fine, delicate hair, leaving it broken and scraggly. If your hair is at all thin or fragile, wear it down whenever you can, or make sure that your updos are gentle, like loosely pinned braids or buns.

- Consider a cut and color. Not everyone will find this suggestion helpful, but something that helps my hair very much is a good cut and color. As I've mentioned before, I desperately wish my hair could be long and luxurious, but the simple truth is, it won't. So I go along with those funny two-inch-long chunks of hair, and keep all of it just at or above my shoulders. This makes a huge difference in how thick it looks, because now I have all of my hair ending together, instead of those funny chunks ending at their length and then the scraggly remains of my hair drifting down my back like a bad mullet. I'd rather have it shorter and thicker-looking than long and thin. I also color it - not only does this help it choose between blonde and brown, but the coloring chemicals themselves give my hair strands body and volume.

If you prefer to keep your hair long, though, don't despair! Make sure you're taking extra-good care of the ends - maybe use an argan oil product or another leave-in conditioner - as well as the points where your pins or elastics tend to hit. If you can, rotate among different updos so the stress doesn't fall on the same places every day. And please, don't get impatient like me and yank it so tight it would anchor a yacht!!

- Choose a flattering style. This goes right along with the previous point - make sure that you're choosing a style that suits, not only your hair type, but also your face and personality. If your hair is thin, you may need to choose a shorter, simpler style; but you should make sure that your part, your layers, your choice of bangs/no bangs, and your length all help to balance your face shape and emphasize your favorite feature. Look for celebrities with hair similar to yours - my hairstyle inspiration is Carey Mulligan, whose hair is just as thin and fine as mine (and yet she always looks fabulous).

- Eat well. As I mentioned in tonight's post on Captain's Log, my eating habits are not the greatest, and I'm sure that has a negative effect on my hair. Just like the rest of your body, your hair needs all the good stuff in fruits, vegetables, grains, dairy, and lean meat. Nourish your hair at the same time you help your whole body feel good!

- Exercise regularly. Again, I fail at this. But as far as I can tell, it's pretty well established that exercise gets more blood flow to your scalp, which helps your hair follicles produce thicker hair. This is another thing that will help you feel good all over, and that will include your hair. (Hmm, I need to start listening to my own advice ...)

***

However. One more word.

No matter how diligently you follow your health regimen and hair care routine, it's likely that you'll never be entirely satisfied with how it turns out. Maybe you're undergoing a health treatment that is damaging your hair, or maybe you're just like me, and you just have naturally uncooperative hair.

It's okay.

Your worth as a woman is not tied to the thickness of your hair, just as our brothers' worth as men is not tied to how big and bulky they are, or whether they can grow a good beard. A man is a man because he is strong, manly, and godly in spirit; and you will be a shining, beautiful woman if you have a strong, womanly, godly heart.

To be honest, I still struggle often with resentment against my thin hair. I also struggle with resentment against my flabby arms, my short stature, my ungraceful chin, and the gap between my front teeth. But you know what? Sometimes I look in the mirror and smile at how big and shiny my eyes are; and sometimes I see with relief that, even though my legs may be short and thick, I have a nice waistline. Even though my hair is thin and wispy, it's also soft and shiny, and it turns red in the sunlight.

And ultimately, even though my body is imperfect and frustrating now in many ways, it is the body that God has chosen to hold my soul and His Holy Spirit. He has designed me for a special purpose and given me a healthy body that can do everything I need it to do to serve Him every day. My hair may not look exactly how I wish it did, but I have hair, which many people don't, and I'm able to grow it long enough to show that I am a woman, which is ultimately its most important purpose anyway.

See? She has fine hair and wears
it long - don't give up!  :-)

So my advice for my sisters who struggle with thin or unhealthy hair would be: Do your best to work with what you do have and bring it to its very best state, whatever that may be. If this is important to you - and it may not be, which is absolutely fine - then you will feel better about yourself knowing that your hair is looking its best. But even if you're never able to make it look and feel exactly how you wish it would, remember that you are the temple of God and He has chosen you to be part of His family, and because of this you are beautiful in His sight.

Let that sink in. Don't gloss over it just because you've read it a million times. He looks at you, His daughter, and He thinks you're beautiful.

And one day, these bodies will be glorified to match the perfection of the Lord Who loves us. I like to think that I will have a glorious head of hair in heaven!!  :-)

Hopefully this was some encouragement to you. Feel free to comment if you have any more tips and tricks!

Lots of love, and don't get discouraged,
Vicki