Reinvented

I am alive.

I am so alive ... so full of plans and dreams. It's been such a wonderful year.

I have seen beautiful places.

I have met incredible people who have lit fires inside me.

And I am now learning how to keep those fires burning as they move on to the next part of their journeys.

I have done things I never dreamed I would.

I am asking questions I have never had to ask before - and I am being asked to answer questions that will define who I am for the next decade of my life.

I have met real journalists and real scholars who have encouraged me to keep running down the path of my dreams and to keep using the gifts and strengths that God has given me, and I am so excited to see where that path leads.

I am not the person I was a year ago.

Sometimes, I see things - places, people, journal entries - that remind me of the old bitterness, and it still hurts. But it doesn't hurt as much, and it doesn't hurt in the same way. Now I can see the part that I played in the failures that changed my life's course. I can see that I was unhealthily selfish, demanding, and unrealistic in my relationship with the man I thought I loved. Today, I'm not sure I ever loved him at all - I think I wanted him to be and do something for me that I couldn't do for myself.

I can see that what I thought were personal attacks and backstabbing by mentors I trusted was, in fact, a simple failure in communication - a misunderstanding by each of us of what the other needed to grow. I still get angry at the system that demands so many late nights and tears from its students, but I no longer blame the instructors. They were trying to teach me and guide me in the best way they knew how.

And today, I have teachers who understand me, who point out my (many!) weaknesses and shortcomings constructively, and who help me grow into the woman I should be.

I am a woman now. I am stronger, more ambitious, more curious, and more determined than I have ever been in my life.

I am asking God hard questions. I have had some pretty hard failures and fallen into some pretty serious sin-pits during the last year; but I have tried to look to Him in faith and trust Him to forgive me, to teach me, and above all, to continue loving me more deeply than I could ever imagine.

I ask the Holy Spirit to sustain my desire for His will and His glory above my own. I plead with God to work His will in my life whether I am happy and comfortable or not. I desire Him to shine through me, even when I don't understand what He is doing.

These are desires that will lead me into breathtaking depths where I have never gone before. I am terrified. But I am terribly excited.

***

I have not stopped writing over the last year, nor have I given up on my love of blogging - I've set it aside for a while to concentrate on classes and work, and also taken some of my former blogging time to use for other things, like working out. I've focused a lot this year on getting stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, by going to the gym, talking more with mentors online and in person, and boosting my prayer life. Some of my ongoing challenges are making myself start going to church (the perennial struggle, grr), spending more time in the Word, learning how to set boundaries in personal relationships, and taking better care of myself in the areas of food and sleep.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I am an active member of the NerdFitness online community, and I have not only been microblogging there for the last year, but I also post more regular daily updates and goal progress - you are more than welcome to come check me out there and enjoy some pretty good stories, if I may say so.  :-)  My latest installment is just getting started, and there are links to previous chapters in my signature line.

And last month, I created a Wordpress blog that I am working on getting online ... no promises that I will keep it up regularly, but once it's up and I think I will actually keep it up, I will post the link here.  :-) 

***

I miss you guys terribly and I hope to be back in touch soon ... also, if it helps, I have not been one of those evil bloggers who comes back from a year-long absence with a husband and a cross-country move and a new hair color!  ;-)  I'm still the same me, living in the same apartment, going to the same school and still quite single!

I hope to be back in touch with more concrete updates before classes start in a few weeks - I realize that I said essentially nothing in this post, so I will try not to leave you hanging!!

All my love,

Vicki

i will wait for love

Over the last week or so, quietly, inexplicably, I have found myself stepping back from my one-sided relationship of the last year, and looking at it.

And silently, I have admitted to myself that it wasn't as pretty of a thing as I thought it was.

I know, they never are; but the real ones, the ones that are going to last, have a strength to them that holds together all the messiness and gives them shape - a solid skeleton under the uneven, shaky, imperfect tissue that knits together the "one flesh".

This one was like a skeleton with osteoporosis. Much too fragile to stand up to the weight and blows of daily life ... because only one of us was building, and I was building haphazardly and without proper materials. It was doomed from the beginning, just like he said it was.

***

He didn't respect me or my judgment. He frequently told me - and others - that I was scatterbrained, unreliable, inconsistent, and confusing. He called me condescending names, questioned my decisions, and said he liked it when I got angry or jealous because it reassured him that I was human.

In turn, I tried to use him as a security blanket when he didn't want to be. I placed selfish demands on him by seeking attention and support when he was already fighting stress and worry; I got peevish and angry when he didn't drop everything to tend to my needs; and I tried to shame him into conforming to the ideal I had built in my head for him.

Yes, I really was that ugly. And so was he.

That's not to say that it wasn't a very special, important relationship while it lasted. God let us find each other so that we would each have someone to lean on during the pain we went through last year - my rejection and failures, his insecurities and fear. When I was able to put aside my own needs and really listen to him, and when he was able to put aside his standoffishness and really listen to me, each of us was the support and understanding that the other needed.

But while that would have been a great start for a lasting relationship, it wasn't enough to sustain it. A relationship that lasts must be built on respect, trust, selfless care, and ultimately, a desire to serve and exalt God together. Because he didn't respect me, and I didn't trust him, and because neither of us could let go of our selfish wishes for the relationship (me to warm it up, him to cool it down), it could not survive.

***

As one of my dear friends said, the good thing to come out of this relationship is that now I know I can love - which I had strongly doubted in the past. I loved him very imperfectly, it's true; but if love is the genuine desire for someone's well-being and the willingness to sacrifice for that well-being, then I did love him. For every time I caved to my pounding heart and shot him a bothersome text, there were three or four times that I pushed the phone away and left him alone. His grades and reputation were huge motivators in how hard I worked on our joint projects. And when I could make him laugh and forget about his troubles for a moment, I felt like the most powerful and successful woman in the world.

I'm not going to try to love him in this way anymore. I've made sure, the last two times I've seen him, to let him know that he can come to me anytime he wants to vent or take a break from school, and I have genuinely meant it - not as a ploy to get him to go out with me. Now he knows it; and with that promise successfully tucked in his pocket, I can leave and freely explore the big world opening up ahead of me.

I hope - I really do hope - that he will call me back every so often. I hope I can stop by his office and sit with him in the afternoon again sometime. I hope, someday, he'll give me that hug that he never quite did. But I'm not going to chase after it anymore. Love that is not freely offered is not love at all.

***

I continue to hope that, somewhere along my journey, I find a tall, brown-eyed Jesus lover who welcomes me into his heart with warmth and understanding - someone who values and cherishes me, who looks at me with pride, not disgust. I pray that there is a man who will grow stronger and bolder when I shyly hand him my heart, who will allow me to add my strengths to his and to gently pour compassion into his weaknesses. I pray that there is a man who will raise up children with me, loving and protecting them as precious gifts from God.

I have caught a tiny glimpse of what love can be, and I see now that it is worth wanting and worth waiting for. And whether I am ever allowed to step fully into its light, I now know that the love of my friends and their husbands is worth supporting, nurturing, and protecting as a friend, not something to be feared or sneered at. Any pain or disappointment I have felt over this past year has been completely worth it, if I have truly learned this lesson.

After all - "for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God (1 John 4:7)". May I always value and protect this most precious gift.

re{fresh}ed

We all know that quote about salt water being the cure for everything, but I think fresh water can do a pretty good job too.

This weekend, my family and I went to our nearest Great Lake and spent three hours just being. Walking along the shore, running up hills until we could barely move, photographing everything that didn't move (and lots that did), letting ourselves get windblown and sandy and wet and not even caring.

It was so wonderful to turn off the phone, let go of everything and just be myself. There was no one who cared what I looked like, no one I had to impress. I explored with my senses - how often does an NF allow herself to do that? I ran in circles like a child, squealed when the waves hit me, did Titanic poses at the edge of the water, fished out rocks with my little brothers and threw them back.

So many, many days at a time are spent all bottled up and buttoned down, carefully acting on our best behavior and trying to put our best face forward. But sometimes, we need to free ourselves to enjoy the world that God created and rejoice in the lavish beauty He has surrounded us with, and only worry about enjoying Him.

So I did this weekend. I didn't worry about my fight with the guy friend, or going back to work the next day, or whether I'm going to be able to afford moving out. I just grabbed my camera and existed.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul ...

Psalm 23:2-3a

growing up

The semester is winding down. Only the gigantic year-ending cumulative first year exam stands between me and summer vacation.

It feels so strange to be closing this chapter full of so many new beginnings. Some of them are falling like dead seeds into the ground, dormant for now, but I am confident that they will yield beautiful vegetation and shade trees and fruit one day. Some of them are still alive, fragile seedlings growing hope in the charred and dark places of my scorched heart. I don't know yet which of these tiny hope-plants will survive and thrive, and which are bound to wither away - their time and mine are in God's gentle, mighty hands. And some of them were planted just recently and they're growing strongly, bright healthy plants that promise a harvest of bountiful blessings sooner than I think.

***

This summer, I will be returning to my old writing job to take over some projects in need of a skilled hand - I hope and am determined to be that skilled hand. I'm going to see about getting involved in the music ministry at my new church - I would be thrilled to get to serve the Lord with music again!! - and finally, finally, after 10 years, get my driver's license. I'm going to keep practicing photography and looking for new ways to serve the Lord and other people through it - I was genuinely surprised how many people I've had the chance to help and bless with my new camera this semester. I'm going to wear beautiful dresses, and put a touch of pink or mauve color in my hair, and above all, I'm going to celebrate the new things that God is doing in me and through me.

***

I'm also going to be moving - for the first time, I will be moving into my own apartment! Everything has fallen perfectly into place; I know that God's timing is finally right, and I'm terribly excited - there is a dear crabapple tree that hangs its pretty branches over my balcony, and my room has a gigantic window that I can drape with romantic white curtains, and I can build bookshelves and nooks for knickknacks and have friends over for tea and old movies. I can't wait to start learning about hospitality - and the less glamorous, but equally important, joy of daily homemaking.

***

The guy friend and I have been seeing a lot of each other lately - at his request, surprisingly. I love being with him, and every time he chooses me and asks to spend time with me, I feel like I could fly to the moon. His presence in my life is definitely a catalyst for several different hard, important lessons that I'm learning - that no courtship article or marriage book has it all figured out when it comes to messy relationships between multi-dimensional people; that loving someone despite their flaws and struggles is a very Christlike thing to do, not something to be ashamed of; and most importantly, that God loves to give good gifts to us and wants us to have joyful, abundant lives, so I shouldn't be afraid to bring my requests to Him or think that He's going to slap my wrist and rebuke me for wanting a blessing. He doesn't want me to drag around feeling anxious and guilty all the time, and He certainly doesn't want "trusting Him" to look like apathetic acceptance that nothing I want will ever work out. Even if He lovingly says no and fills me with joy from a different source, He wants me to come before Him in love as a cherished daughter, and boldly ask for this hard, challenging, beautiful responsibility.

So following the example of my dear friends who are submissively but expectantly praying for other blessings in their lives - new jobs, new babies, new places - I am going to ask the Holy Spirit to guide me in two areas: Firstly, in cultivating a submissive, accepting spirit in me that authentically seeks God's glory and approval, and doesn't rebel at the thought of not getting my way; but secondly, in fearlessly watering the hope in my heart, disregarding the risk of pain, and preparing myself to be the best girlfriend I can be in case God's answer is "yes." I have no idea how one does that; but I'm starting by praying for the guy friend every day, and simultaneously trying to do better at respecting his introvert-recharge time and personal space.

***

I'm growing up, friends ... I know, it's about time (*grimace*); but it feels really good and really scary to be transitioning into decisions and opportunities that will affect other people and maybe even future generations, not just myself. It's terrifying to stand before God and ask Him if this fallen, broken, wonderful man is the one He has chosen for me. It's terrifying to think about shopping for my very own kitchen appliances and groceries and toilet-fixing gadgets. It's terrifying to see the bright excitement of the new Master's program I'm going into and wonder what hard and incredibly important service awaits me there.

But it's also beautiful. 

Tonight, I'm going to go review my notes on hearing aid algorithms and acoustic reflexes, and get myself to bed early, so I can go into that classroom tomorrow and show all those professors who didn't believe in me how much I really learned. (Or, alternatively, fail the exam bombastically and finish out my glorious failure in an appropriately dramatic burst of flaming wreckage.)

And tomorrow? Another chapter of my life-book will close, and I will step out into a brand-new one.

I may dash away a few tears, but even so, I can hardly wait.

hope returns

I turned the corner into the garden, expecting everything to still be dead ...

... but instead, this cheery little beauty lifted its head next to my foot and said hello.

Every winter feels so long, so cold, so interminable - it can feel like it's never going to end.

But it always does. Spring always comes.

And I am finally on spring break! Doesn't break always come just when you really need it? Projects, papers, labs, and exams have taxed me and my classmates to our limits these last few weeks - we are learning a lot about the limits of each other's physical and emotional strength. I personally have been learning about new ways to put others first in small ways, like leaving them alone to study when I'd rather rest and talk, or being serious when I'd rather joke; but I've also been learning that my "amazing" intuition about people can sometimes be wrong, and that sometimes I really do need to use words and ask what people are thinking.

I want to use the break to recover from weeks of sleep deprivation and get back to feeling human again (which I define as being able to get through a day without crying). I want to make cookies, crochet, take photography walks, and plant some seedlings. I want to read books, but especially be able to read my Bible at night without falling asleep on top of the second or third verse.

And I want to live for a week in the fullest depths of my INFP Anne-of-Green-Gables personality - I have spent many weeks shrinking myself, being quiet, staying out of the way, hearing my academic performance picked apart, and enduring friends' daily well-meaning criticism of my poor health and study habits; and while sometimes that's necessary, not only does it cause me a lot of stress and sadness, but it also means I'm not serving as effectively. When I was operating from a place of being comfortable with my personality and strengths and how God was using me in people's lives, I was maximally effective - reaching out, caring for people, using words to make bridges. I want to get back to that place again.

***

Do you get any kind of a break this spring? Are you making plans for Easter? Have you seen any little signs of hope, rebirth, or reviving joy?

~ Vicki

Quiet

It's finally Saturday.

I'm relaxing in my mom's warm kitchen, listening to conversations about economics, and childish squeals from the other end of the house, with Christy Moore's soothing voice drifting out of my laptop speakers. I have no makeup on, and my hair is delightfully wrapped up tightly and out of my face. The caramel coffee is warm and delicious against the silvery bone-chilling drizzle outside.

Today is a quiet day.

***

I retook my failed exam this week, and got back surprisingly good grades on another exam. I got more unsatisfactory grades, too, but also got a chance to redo an assignment I wasn't happy with.

My hands-on training labs are all done for the semester - from here on out, I'll be practicing on real patients in the clinic. I really enjoy my clinic days! It's so interesting to meet new people every week and help solve the puzzle of why they aren't hearing the way they should, and especially to show care and love to them as I talk to them about their problems and what they can do to hear better again.

I ate delicious food, laughed, cried, and said goodbye to a new friend last night, and look forward to being reunited at Christmas ... but on the happy side, I'm excited to introduce my international friend to Thanksgiving and Christmas for the first time, and am busy dreaming up ways to make the holiday season extra special - and ways to gently begin introducing my friend to Jesus.

The long hours of the last few weeks are taking their toll on my tired, out-of-shape body - today I am resting, catching up with friends and blogs, and eating honey and yogurt to help fight off a possible low-grade infection.

And I've been watching children's Bible shows with Dan and Nick, and trying not to let people see me cry ... sometimes, in all of the complicated adult responsibilities and faith issues that we study (how to grow a marriage, honoring God with finances, building churches and businesses), we sometimes forget that Jesus still wants to gather us into His arms like little children and let us rest our heads on His shoulder. Seeing His love illustrated on children's shows reminds me how precious I am to Him in a way that almost nothing else does. Hence, I watch Jesus forgive Zaccheus and heal Bartimaeus, and I weep.

***

How are you experiencing Christ's love today? Through pretty pumpkins and simple stories, like me? Or through something different?

Warm, cinnamony hugs to you!!
Vicki

Morning

This morning is so much more than beautiful - it's downright magical!!

The Lord has established His throne in the heavens,  And His sovereignty rules over all.  Bless the Lord, you His angels,  Mighty in strength, who perform His word,  Obeying the voice of His word!

Bless the Lord, all you His hosts,  You who serve Him, doing His will.

Bless the Lord, all you works of His, In all places of His dominion;  Bless the Lord, O my soul!
~ Psalm 103:19-22
***
Have a wonderful day, my dears!!
~ Vicki

Berry

This is one of the last of the Indian strawberries that popped up all over our yard this summer ... I know they're weeds, but aren't they so cute??

Hot

It is 79 degrees and climbing steadily in my office this morning ... I hope they get the thermostat fixed before all the food I have stashed in my drawers starts melting!!  :-O

How's the weather (inside or out!) in your part of the world this morning?

~ Vicki

Weekend

I had such a simply wonderful weekend! I got to take some time away from classes and remember other things that I love to do and be, like photographing the pretty weeds and lichens in the backyard, reading about my Scottish ancestors, watching lame movies, and listening to incredible a cappella music:




A dear friend and my grandmother encouraged me this weekend to remember to lean more heavily on the Lord during this difficult time of adjustment and soul-searching. My grandmother gave me a beautiful prayer journal that she wants me to doodle in (not write; I don't have many words left by the end of the day - just doodle) every night during my devotion time, and I'm eager to see if it helps me remember and hold onto what I read a little better. It didn't work last night because I waited to start my devotions until very late, and was busy trying not to fall asleep and topple headfirst off the bed; but it's early yet tonight, so we'll see if I can focus a bit better.  :-)

Oh yes, and I spent a lot of time researching patterns and history for my very first upcoming French and Indian War reenactment puttering with some other hobbies too.

*grin*

I didn't work as far ahead on my homework as I ought to, and I didn't do any professional networking or career-enhancing activities besides going into the office to do a little data analysis; but I badly needed this weekend of rest. I feel refreshed and ready to dive back into my studies and work tomorrow with renewed vigor.

How was your weekend? Did you get some much-needed refreshment?

Hugs and love and toffee nut lattes to you,
~ Vicki

DSLR Practice

It was hard to get the color temperature of the photos right because it's an overcast day, so they came out a bit yellow (my Photoshop skills need some help too); but I'm really happy with the depth of field and the sharpness:

hello.

It's a brilliantly sunny, 40°F, breezy, and sweet-smelling spring day here in my little Midwestern town.

Let that sink in. There's something very peculiar about my saying that at this time of the morning.

Give up?

I'M NOT AT WORK!!! Yes, that's right! I am enjoying a rare and wonderful morning off! Right now I'm relaxing in my mom's office, eating oatmeal and drinking coffee, listening to the soundtrack of Treasure Planet, and enjoying a chance to check in with my poor semi-abandoned blog while I actually have some energy (as opposed to last night, when I sat down in front of my computer with a head full of ideas and a body too exhausted to even type, after which frustrating experience I sulked and knitted for an hour)!

***

Life has been good in the ... let me check ... oh my goodness, 19 days since I last wrote. Work is verrry busy. I'm kind of at an awkward place there right now - on the one hand, I've been in my full-time position for 4 months now, so I'm fully adjusted and taking on a lot of new responsibilities, some of which are relatively important and exciting; but at the same time, I only have a few months left before I leave work and go back to being a full-time student, so they're also trying to transition me out of some of said responsibilities. I just keep trying to do my best; and on the bright side, I've become very good friends with a couple of my new coworkers, something which doesn't happen very often for me, and we all get along and enjoy our work and feel useful and meaningful. I can't ask for more than that!

***

As usual, I have not been using my free time very productively.  :-)  I did get my first sunburn of the year, volunteering at an outdoor event this weekend ... I've also been spending a lot of time outside, doing that pretending-to-be-a-real-photographer thing:

***

I have also been:

• Knitting a new pillow cover that I can't wait to show you
• Falling passionately in love with new fictional characters (and their actors) and trying desperately not to daydream Mary-Sue daydreams about them when I'm supposed to be paying attention at work
• WRITING. Yes, actually writing ... not very much or very well, but even a little bit is good!
• Grieving the death of Gilbert Blythe  (*muffled weeping*)
• Drinking waaaaaayyyyyyyy too much coffee and seeing how much caffeine I can consume each day before I get physically sick
• Reading amazingly encouraging and awesome articles by this guy
• Pondering myself with disgust and dismay, wondering what exactly is wrong with my maturity and spiritual discipline (besides their nonexistence), and praying that I'm not going to fall into depression again right before my grad school awesomeness starts to ramp up
• Clothes and shoe shopping!
• Yes, you DO need to click all the hyperlinks if you want to know what I've been up to ... don't worry, they've all been personally vetted!!

And keeping up with all of you, of course.  ;-)  I have to run now if I want to get some errands done before I go to work this afternoon; but I hope you're having a wonderful day and that the sun is shining on you!! I love my blog friends so much and love seeing what you're up to. I will do my best to post some more updates soon (maybe some pictures of my gorgeous pillow cover)!

Have a fantabulous day, dear sisters!!

Love,

Vicki

Protected

I can go to bed safe and sound tonight ... so good to know that Captain America is on watch.

Catching up

Hello.

I'm alive.

Yup.

Yes. My feet on campus. And a random seed pod from some tree I love but can't identify.

This is the noxiously itch-inducing poison sumac behind my house ... at least it redeems itself with some lovely fall color.

My feet on campus the other day. Yes, I honor David Tennant with my choice of footwear.

I have been:

- Writing
- Applying (for grad school)
- Walking
- Writing
- Dancing
- Studying
- Writing
- Thinking
- Planning
- Writing
- Singing
- Recovering (from sickness)
- Shopping
- Writing
- Learning
- Listening
- Writing

And guess what? I've also been doing some writing!  :-D  It's a good thing I love writing, because I've certainly been doing a lot of it lately. Analyzing the reasons why I want to go to grad school, describing my future research interests, banging out class projects at 4 or 5 in the morning, and composing frantically apologetic emails to professors and classmates for all the balls I've been dropping. Of which there are a few.

Life is good. I have had time to blog, I will confess, but every time I log into Blogger, I remember something I was going to check in my email or someone I was going to message on Facebook, and next thing I know my evening is gone and my poor post is still sitting unfinished. I'm setting aside about 5 minutes to complete this post before I have to dash off to pick up a coworker and go to work (yes, on a Sunday ... that doesn't happen much anymore, thankfully).

All the deep thoughts I mentioned in my last post (a month ago) are still around, still brewing in my head, and most of them still brewing in posts. Some of these posts include examining Aquila and Priscilla as examples of the perfect marriage, my declaration to society that I refuse to let it dictate my feelings about my body, and thoughts about my concept of identity and whether I am, in fact, idolizing myself. Deep thoughts. Thoughts I need to think - to step away from Facebook and Pinterest for a while and let my brain actually ruminate. I'd like to do that here, with you. Hopefully I will have time soon.

Well, there goes the five-minute timer, and Heather and Dan are already in the kitchen making lunch; so I'd better get going again.  :-)  I will be back soon. And I've been keeping up with you all as I can - how wonderful, the things God is doing in your lives, and the things you are doing in your homes!! I love you dear sisters more than I can say!

May God keep you safe and well until we meet again!

Lots of love,
Vicki

Celebrating Jane Porter

Okay, since I just finished watching Tarzan on this lovely Friday night, I'm going to geek out a bit.

I think that, out of all of the Disney heroines available to those of us who have by virtue of age found ourselves in mentorship and parenting roles, we do not pay nearly enough attention to Jane Porter from Tarzan. 

- Jane has no nasty rebellious attitudes. Jane and her father are probably one of the most adorable parent-child pairings in all Disney. They not only mutually depend on each other, but they have a great deal of friendship and respect for each other, too. When Jane first meets Tarzan and she is overcome with shock and curiosity, she doesn't sit on a rock and sing a solo about how her restrictive world has just burst open; she runs straight to her father and pours out her whole story, with all the enthusiasm of a trusting little girl. And speaking of trust, when Jane begins to feel attracted to Tarzan, she doesn't get all mopey and withdrawn like other Disney princesses do. She trusts her father enough to talk with him about it and seek his advice. He may not be the wisest or most sagely father in the world, but he loves her very much and does his best to encourage her and give what advice he can. Their relationship is definitely one that I wouldn't hesitate to let my daughters (or sons!) watch.

- Jane is content to let the protecting men in her life ... well, protect her. Jane never tries to evade her father's authority or strike out on her own. He is the one who is leading the research team, and she follows him. When he gives advice, she listens to it. Later, during the ending music sequence after she and Tarzan are (married? It's a bit ambiguous because they're living in a jungle devoid of any other humans besides her father), she lets Tarzan lead the way through the vine and branch pathways because he knows them much better than she does. She possesses a submissive spirit - she cheerfully accepts that her father and husband are bigger, stronger, and more experienced than she is, and she is willing to place herself under their protection.

- Nevertheless, Jane is courageous and energetically pursues her dreams. Jane is an artist and scientist, brave enough to travel alone with her father and another man to uncharted Victorian-era Africa. She doesn't mope around about how she doesn't fit in with the other girls or how she's never found true love - she doesn't have time! Until she meets Tarzan, her energy is focused on discovering wildlife, experiencing a new country, and enjoying and drawing the beautiful things she sees. She actually has much bigger goals than most of the other Disney princesses do - and by cheerfully accepting her role as a woman under the protection of her father and husband, she goes much farther in her life than the princesses who rebel and fight against their authority.

- Jane is mature, open-minded, and willing to learn about what's important to others. How many girls would be willing to take the time to get to know a dirty feral man in a loincloth and teach him, not things like to dance or to eat oatmeal correctly, but to speak? To walk upright? And not just to teach him concepts, which could be done with self-righteous condescension; but to take time to actually talk to him, learn from him, and explore his culture and lifestyle, which would be horrific to a proper Victorian lady but vitally important to him? It's easy to fall in love with a gorgeous Prince Eric or a brilliant Flynn Rider; but it takes a thoughtful, mature woman to fall in love with a Tarzan.

***

I know she's not a Disney princess, and Tarzan will never get as much attention as the more lucrative girl-oriented princess movies; but you can take Frozen and stick it in your icebox - if I had to choose one of the Disney women to be a model for my hypothetical daughters, she would be my choice any day!

***

Your geeky friend,
Vicki

Thank You + Back On Track

THANK YOU dear, dear sisters so much for your prayers and encouragement after my last post. I'm truly sorry to subject you to my emotion-dumps; but I hope you know how much your gentle thoughts and prayers always help me. Someday I will learn to talk to people in real life when I'm feeling low; but until I overcome my shyness, I take such comfort in knowing that my blog sisters are there, despite the busyness of your own lives and thoughts. I do so hope that we can meet in person one day and share this sweet fellowship face to face; but if not, I will definitely say that knowing we'll meet in heaven is going to be one of my biggest motivators to hurry up and get there!!  :-D

***

I had originally planned to write a huge long in-depth analysis of the triggers of my most recent emotional breakdown and try to draw some lessons from it - I actually have that post half-finished, gathering dust in my drafts folder - but rather than get hung up on what is mostly just perfectionism + anxiety, I've decided to move on, now that I'm feeling better.  :-)  Someday I will blog about perfectionism, anxiety, and trust; but for now, I want to keep myself from falling into a non-blogging funk because I keep getting stuck.

***

It's been a much busier summer than I anticipated! Between taking over some of my mom's duties so she can work, keeping up with my own work, and trying somewhere in my subconscious mind to get prepared for my final undergraduate year and grad school applications, I haven't had a whole lot of free time lately.

So for my post today, here are two little things to share with you - firstly, some incredible cloud formations I saw during our sunset tonight:

And secondly, I was so excited to find this little drawing, because she is probably the most accurate drawn representation of myself that I have ever found. Her hair is almost exactly the same length and color as mine; her clothes are just like something I'd wear on my casual days - other than her being petitely thin and my being a bit on the plump side, this painting is incredibly accurate to what I look like. So I wanted to show her to you, in the hopes that you can imagine me almost-correctly when you drop by and read my silly posts!!

Have a wonderful night, dear friends!! I hope you, too, are feeling well, living well, and enjoying this wonderful summer we're having!

Hugs and blessings,
Vicki

Moments

A few random photos from class this morning and from a study room the other day ...

Polar Vortex + Debate

Kitty tracks in my backyard!  :-)

What a cold start to 2014! I have to say, I find it rather suspicious that Disney released Frozen just a month before the commencement of the coldest and snowiest winter in recent history ...

I am living right in the middle of the polar vortex that has gripped the Midwest for the last couple of weeks, and let me tell you, it is all it is cracked up to be! I waddled around campus today in a thermal shirt, fleece vest, double-layer coat, two pairs of pants, long socks, heavy boots, a thick scarf, thick gloves, and earmuffs ... and I could still feel the cold seeping through all those layers! I rejoiced at how "warm" it was when I saw that the thermometer read 12ºF around 5 o'clock this evening!

Despite the cold temperatures, however, the semester is going well for me so far. My classes are mostly related to history, language, and social studies, which is a weird change that I've been really enjoying. I've also had a lot more free time than normal in the last few weeks, so I've been wasting spending time doing photo shoots at my favorite buildings on campus, writing one of my stories that has taken a shocking and bizarre plot twist, singing, reading Austen and Dickens, and having way too much fun researching and writing about Luke Skywalker. Especially the latter.  :-)


***

I wanted to give you guys a heads-up to something very special and important that's coming up in just a
few days. Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum is going to be hosting a debate with Bill Nye the Science Guy over the question "Is creation a viable model of origins to teach children in the 21st century?". This is something that the Creation science community has been asking and pushing for, for as long as I can remember; and to have the first creation/evolution debate of the 21st century be between two of America's best known origins scientists is absolutely spectacular. I am SO excited. I really can't wait!

The debate is next Tuesday, February 4 at 7PM. It's going to be live-streamed online for free through their specially-created website, and also through Google+ Hangouts. The details for sign-up can be found here:

http://debatelive.org/

I will definitely be watching, and regardless of which side of the fence you're on (if any), I hope you will take the time to watch this historic event and consider the evidence to support literal six-day creation as the Bible teaches it!

***

Well, the time seems to have slipped away from me again ... soon, though, I'll be back with my (glowing) tribute to my next film hero, Captain America; and I also want to muse a bit on singleness, femininity, and God's purpose for our lives. If I can manage to quit dawdling with Pinterest and Weird Al songs, that is.  :-P

I love you all and hope you're staying warm in this ridiculous weather!!

Hugs!
~ Vicki