Attempting to catch up ...

I've thought about this blog a lot lately, I think because this was always the place I turned to when I had thoughts I couldn't unburden to anyone in real life.

My last post was one of those thoughts - I had my first real two-sided romance this past winter, and some poor emotional coping mechanisms (on both sides, but admittedly more on his), fears, and doctrinal disagreements came between us, and it was ... messy and ugly. It should never have happened, but I'm also glad it did - I learned about myself, and I learned about what I do and do not want in my future husband. I'll be thinking about it for a long time to come.

But, that relationship is only one of the vignettes in an explosively growth-filled six months. A friend of mine suggested that I might have codependent tendencies - that I need to feel needed by broken people in order to feel good about myself. So I have started going to counseling to learn how to think more healthily about myself - to listen to my own feelings and opinions instead of downplaying them, to learn how to set boundaries and say "no" when I need to, and to see myself as worthy, loved, and important. So many of these new ways of thinking are completely foreign to me - I'm not used to accepting limits to myself. I'm not used to taking time to rest and replenish my emotional strength - it still makes me feel "weak" and self-indulgent at times. But as I recently counseled a young student, "You can't pour from an empty cup"; and I'm learning how to fill my cup with good things in quiet time so I can pour that back into others' hearts when I'm full.

Early this year, I went out on a limb and applied for a science journalism internship with NASA - and lo and behold, I was chosen! So this summer I will be packing a U-Haul and hitting the road for the East Coast, living away from my family for the first time ever. It's only for 10 weeks, so it's the perfect length of time to see what living on my own is like; and I won't be taking any classes or working any other jobs - just writing and taking photos, 40 hours a week for 10 weeks. Four hundred beautiful hours of doing what I love best. I am definitely nervous about living away from my family, but I'm also incredibly excited.

And just like I'm wading into the scary unknown of my unhealthy emotions and flying out to the scary unknown of living with strangers in a metropolis, so I've also been swimming out into the breathtaking unknown of putting all my faith in Christ's finished work on the cross and letting go of trying to earn His favor with my "good Christian" deeds. Through a combination of counseling, sharing the Gospel with my former editor and his wife, and studying Galatians in my Bible study group, I have been shocked and confused to realize that what I thought were just "standards" I held for myself were really yet another attempt to "make God happy with me". This isn't a new struggle; it's as old as this blog - it used to be my long dresses and conservative music; now it was my attempts to be sacrificially present and nurturing to literally everyone in my life. If I could just give more of my time and my energy, then God would be pleased with me. If I could just spend more hours listening to friends vent about bad relationships ... if I could give more effort at work ... if I could set a better example for my siblings ... if I could finally get my driver's license ... if I could just be and do more, then I would finally feel that God was pleased with me.

But God in His mercy directed me to Galatians 3:

Let me ask you this one question: Did you receive the Holy Spirit by obeying the law of Moses? Of course not! You received the Spirit because you believed the message you heard about Christ. 

How foolish can you be? After starting your new lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human effort? Have you experienced so much for nothing? Surely it was not in vain, was it? 

(Galatians 3:2-4, NLT)

Christ is enough. It isn't "believe in Christ AND then do good works". No. Christ is entirely and wholly enough. If I were incapacitated today and could never do another good work for the rest of my life, it wouldn't matter because Christ is my righteousness. Christ is my holiness. He alone is Who and What I need to get into heaven and to secure God's favor.

As one of my dear believing professors put it, this is faith. Checking off the "checklist" of being a "good Christian" is impossible, but it is something concrete and visible that people can hold onto. You can see a long dress, or choice of music, or how you spend your time. That isn't faith. Believing that, even on those crappy days where you lose your temper and want what you shouldn't and just want to hide away from the world, Christ is still enough and God still loves you - that is faith. It's ambiguous. It can't be seen or held, and sometimes can't even be felt. But it is beautiful and it is empowering and it is what sets us free from guilt and shame and fear.

Learning all this simultaneously - clinging to a failing relationship while believing Christ is still enough; applying for a NASA internship while learning how to develop healthy friendships with myself and others - has been a rollercoaster of crying and laughing and staring blankly at this upended world that I now inhabit. But I can't wait to see what my Potter is doing as He squishes me down and reshapes me from the wheel up. Who am I about to become?

***

I do miss this space and all of you, and I leave it up so I can come back here and keep it alive in hopes of returning regularly. I pray that God is working in your lives as amazingly as He is working in mine, and that each of us is being lovingly polished and crafted into vessels that His glory and brightness can shine through.

Be well, friends. I love you.

~ Vicki

Strength to carry a secret

"Oh, hey," he said casually as my classmate and I turned to leave for class, "I'm getting married in the fall, you know."

I froze with my coat half-on as my classmate shrieked in delight, rushing over to demand pictures, ask the woman's name, and hear the story of how they met. Instead of following her, I turned partly away and slowly concentrated on loading my books and computer into my blue backpack, hoping that she didn't summon me to join the conversation. I didn't have the strength today to pretend that I'd never seen these pictures before, and to look him in the eye while I asked for a story I already knew. To his credit, he didn't turn in my direction either. Even though he had given his ring to another woman, there was still something heavy and uncomfortable that sat between us whenever we spoke.

I lifted my backpack to my back and slipped past the chattering crowd. He didn't say goodbye. Neither did I.

***

In three months, the tall young man with the sparkling brown eyes who gave me my first romantic embrace will be walking down the aisle to marry the woman God created for him many years ago. On the day of their wedding, I will be working in a newsroom near Washington, D.C. I will probably steal a moment on my lunch hour to cry; because once that day is over, a short story full of sweetness and pain will be sealed and tucked up on the shelf of my heart, never again to be opened or shared with anyone who knows both of us.

On paper, there isn't much to tell. He is a doctoral student who has a desk on the other side of the aisle in our small, stuffy third-floor grad student office. The day he came to visit our program, I greeted him and his host parents warmly, telling them all about apartments and things to do in our little Midwestern town. We met officially at a poster session in the fall - I explained my research to him and noticed how nice he looked in blue. My professor-mentor noticed that I noticed.

I learned about the tragedy that had stolen his parents from him when he helped me with a class project, and I cried as he told the story. He noticed that I cried. And as the leaves changed to the reds and golds that matched the shirts he often wore, he started stopping by my desk - for a few minutes, for half an hour, for hours at a time. We talked about theology, politics, research, our childhoods, our future plans. In the middle of a rainy October night, he backhandedly messaged to ask if I might consider dating him.

If emotions are our connection to life, then I was drowned in life for the next four weeks. Passionate and sure of himself, he praised my character and faithful lifestyle, he whispered in my ear how beautiful I looked, he cautiously reached out to hold my hand, to touch my arm, to press his knee against mine as we sat together. He called me his queen and dropped comments about taking me back to his country with him, carefully watching my face to see how I would react. He could read me like a book and knew things about me that I couldn't put into words myself. The first time he pulled me into his arms and placed his hand on my waist, my entire being exploded into a firework display of fear and longing that I had never experienced before.

Things unraveled fast. My heart, filled with anxiety and brought up in the era of kissing dating goodbye, tried desperately to keep him at arm's length while I feverishly laid the "perfect husband" template over everything he said and did. Annoyed that he wanted to move the conversation from "maybe dating" to getting married in the space of a few short weeks, I didn't realize that I was doing the same thing, both of us in our first dating relationship and unable to handle the tornadoes of hope and hormones that raged inside us. Over and over, I told him to slow down, back off, go away; and over and over he came back, pleading, pressuring, poking me into anger just to get me to react to him. Finally, hiding behind my parents' firm disapproval, I called the whole thing off, informing him there was no way to bring our strong and opposing personalities into a relationship.

I have never sensed pain in another human being at the level that I sensed it in his heart when I told him my decision. He tried to convince me that it was all a fling, that he never cared for me the way I thought he did, but it wasn't true. I, too, knew things about him that he couldn't put into words himself; and I knew that his last desperate whisper when I reached up to fix his coat collar - "I want you to do that every day for the rest of my life" - was spoken from a place too deep for lies to grow. I wrote to my best friend the next day and cried, "I feel like I just cut his arm off with a chainsaw."

He left for Christmas break. I stayed home in my snowy town, taking long walks in bitter winds to cool the raging confusion and anger that burned in my heart. And I told myself the same lies that he had told me. It was all a fling. I never cared for him the way he thought I did.

***

Just like Jo's rejection in Little Women spurred Laurie to look at Amy with new eyes and see the way things should have been all along, so my friend went to spend his Christmas holidays with a beautiful girl whom he had known since they were children. As he poured out his sorrows to her, things started to rearrange themselves in his heart; and he realized that the girl who had waited for him for so many years was really the one who deserved his love after all. Christmas worked its magic, and before he came back to school, they were engaged.

I told him I was happy for him, and at first, I was. But on the early-spring evening that he waited for everyone else to go home so he could come stand by my desk and show me his fiancee's picture, he finally looked me in the eye and told me that I had been right. It was not all a cruel joke. Everything he said about falling in love with my character, being impressed by my humility, cherishing the way I love and care for others, holding my purity and modesty in high regard - all of that was true. And he confessed that, on that last evening when I had fought with every intuitive and empathic power in me to pry away his careless mask and see the truth he buried deep inside, everything I had confronted him with was true. He was lonely, and he was wounded, and he did love me in some frantic, imperfect way.

After he put his phone back in his pocket and went home, I was left sitting in an empty, sun-soaked office, wondering what I had done - and what I had lost. Why had he finally come to tell me the truth? Was he truly a manipulative Mr. Collins who showed me his heart to triumph in my fresh pain, the way my sister and spiritual mentor insisted he was? Or was he the broken, lonely, imperfect but holy and faithful man I thought he was in the beginning, trying to break the news to me gently in some clumsy concern for my heart? Were we really too strong-headed and dissimilar to have figured things out, the way my parents and mentors insisted we were? Or did I let my anxiety push me into giving up on something beautiful?

***

I will probably never know the answer to these questions; and in a few short months, I will no longer allow myself to ask them. But whatever the thing was that we burned down, some beautiful things have begun to grow in the ashes.

For one thing, I have seen myself in a completely new way and learned things about myself that I couldn't have learned any other way. I learned more about what I really want in my future relationships. My friend wanted me as a wife because I was a fellow Christian grad student whom he thought could help and support him in his doctoral journey - a normal and fine thing to hope, but also lacking the element of partnership and mutual growth that I am seeking in my future marriage. I am a woman full of dreams and ideas and desires for adventure, and I want a husband who will support my growth and development just as much as I support his. My friend never mentioned my growth or betterment once when we were together - only after he was already engaged.

I also learned how important it is to find a boyfriend who values purity as much as I do. Both of us were strongly attracted to each other and desperately wanted to touch and hold each other; but in many ways, even though he couldn't stop himself from emotionally diving headlong into our relationship, my friend had more physical self-control than I did. He knew when to stand at a distance to talk with me, when to reject my requests for a hug, and also when the time was okay to flirt and touch because we were in a public place. I didn't experience the overwhelming level of temptation that I expected to, but I learned that I still need practice to get in tune with when it is and isn't safe to express affection through touch.

And lastly, I learned that it's time to start making my own decisions about my life, and not to keep making my parents make decisions for me, like I'm still a child. I'm turning 30 years old this year, yet I still almost frantically pleaded with them to tell me whether or not I should date my friend. Ultimately, even though my decision was informed by my own anxieties and frustrations, I still used my parents' wishes to shield me - not brave enough to own the decision as my own. It's one thing for me to honor my parents' wishes and seek to make them proud with my actions, but it's another for a grown woman to make her parents choose the direction of her life.

***

I've received a fellowship to work as a science journalism intern in Washington, D.C. this summer. I will be embarking soon on a real adventure - living alone for the first time, living in a metropolitan area, and getting my first real experience in the profession I have chosen. Soon, this brief and painful chapter will be far behind me. My friend will be a married man, and I will be launching out into the dreams that God has given me.

But I wanted to record the story here, because it was both too powerful and too mundanely predictable to seal away in silence forever. None of our classmates can ever know, but someone must. I have been loved; I have been desired and pursued. I have been held, and I have wept in sorrow and anger, and I have seen those same tears reflected in another's eyes. No matter the outcome, I am richer and stronger for this experience, and I pray that he is, too.

Lord, give me the bravery to carry this secret and to plant seeds of grace and love in its ashes, so that I can greet his new wife with grace, embrace their children with sincere love, and nourish their relationship as a sister and a loving friend.

Reinvented

I am alive.

I am so alive ... so full of plans and dreams. It's been such a wonderful year.

I have seen beautiful places.

I have met incredible people who have lit fires inside me.

And I am now learning how to keep those fires burning as they move on to the next part of their journeys.

I have done things I never dreamed I would.

I am asking questions I have never had to ask before - and I am being asked to answer questions that will define who I am for the next decade of my life.

I have met real journalists and real scholars who have encouraged me to keep running down the path of my dreams and to keep using the gifts and strengths that God has given me, and I am so excited to see where that path leads.

I am not the person I was a year ago.

Sometimes, I see things - places, people, journal entries - that remind me of the old bitterness, and it still hurts. But it doesn't hurt as much, and it doesn't hurt in the same way. Now I can see the part that I played in the failures that changed my life's course. I can see that I was unhealthily selfish, demanding, and unrealistic in my relationship with the man I thought I loved. Today, I'm not sure I ever loved him at all - I think I wanted him to be and do something for me that I couldn't do for myself.

I can see that what I thought were personal attacks and backstabbing by mentors I trusted was, in fact, a simple failure in communication - a misunderstanding by each of us of what the other needed to grow. I still get angry at the system that demands so many late nights and tears from its students, but I no longer blame the instructors. They were trying to teach me and guide me in the best way they knew how.

And today, I have teachers who understand me, who point out my (many!) weaknesses and shortcomings constructively, and who help me grow into the woman I should be.

I am a woman now. I am stronger, more ambitious, more curious, and more determined than I have ever been in my life.

I am asking God hard questions. I have had some pretty hard failures and fallen into some pretty serious sin-pits during the last year; but I have tried to look to Him in faith and trust Him to forgive me, to teach me, and above all, to continue loving me more deeply than I could ever imagine.

I ask the Holy Spirit to sustain my desire for His will and His glory above my own. I plead with God to work His will in my life whether I am happy and comfortable or not. I desire Him to shine through me, even when I don't understand what He is doing.

These are desires that will lead me into breathtaking depths where I have never gone before. I am terrified. But I am terribly excited.

***

I have not stopped writing over the last year, nor have I given up on my love of blogging - I've set it aside for a while to concentrate on classes and work, and also taken some of my former blogging time to use for other things, like working out. I've focused a lot this year on getting stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, by going to the gym, talking more with mentors online and in person, and boosting my prayer life. Some of my ongoing challenges are making myself start going to church (the perennial struggle, grr), spending more time in the Word, learning how to set boundaries in personal relationships, and taking better care of myself in the areas of food and sleep.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I am an active member of the NerdFitness online community, and I have not only been microblogging there for the last year, but I also post more regular daily updates and goal progress - you are more than welcome to come check me out there and enjoy some pretty good stories, if I may say so.  :-)  My latest installment is just getting started, and there are links to previous chapters in my signature line.

And last month, I created a Wordpress blog that I am working on getting online ... no promises that I will keep it up regularly, but once it's up and I think I will actually keep it up, I will post the link here.  :-) 

***

I miss you guys terribly and I hope to be back in touch soon ... also, if it helps, I have not been one of those evil bloggers who comes back from a year-long absence with a husband and a cross-country move and a new hair color!  ;-)  I'm still the same me, living in the same apartment, going to the same school and still quite single!

I hope to be back in touch with more concrete updates before classes start in a few weeks - I realize that I said essentially nothing in this post, so I will try not to leave you hanging!!

All my love,

Vicki

i will wait for love

Over the last week or so, quietly, inexplicably, I have found myself stepping back from my one-sided relationship of the last year, and looking at it.

And silently, I have admitted to myself that it wasn't as pretty of a thing as I thought it was.

I know, they never are; but the real ones, the ones that are going to last, have a strength to them that holds together all the messiness and gives them shape - a solid skeleton under the uneven, shaky, imperfect tissue that knits together the "one flesh".

This one was like a skeleton with osteoporosis. Much too fragile to stand up to the weight and blows of daily life ... because only one of us was building, and I was building haphazardly and without proper materials. It was doomed from the beginning, just like he said it was.

***

He didn't respect me or my judgment. He frequently told me - and others - that I was scatterbrained, unreliable, inconsistent, and confusing. He called me condescending names, questioned my decisions, and said he liked it when I got angry or jealous because it reassured him that I was human.

In turn, I tried to use him as a security blanket when he didn't want to be. I placed selfish demands on him by seeking attention and support when he was already fighting stress and worry; I got peevish and angry when he didn't drop everything to tend to my needs; and I tried to shame him into conforming to the ideal I had built in my head for him.

Yes, I really was that ugly. And so was he.

That's not to say that it wasn't a very special, important relationship while it lasted. God let us find each other so that we would each have someone to lean on during the pain we went through last year - my rejection and failures, his insecurities and fear. When I was able to put aside my own needs and really listen to him, and when he was able to put aside his standoffishness and really listen to me, each of us was the support and understanding that the other needed.

But while that would have been a great start for a lasting relationship, it wasn't enough to sustain it. A relationship that lasts must be built on respect, trust, selfless care, and ultimately, a desire to serve and exalt God together. Because he didn't respect me, and I didn't trust him, and because neither of us could let go of our selfish wishes for the relationship (me to warm it up, him to cool it down), it could not survive.

***

As one of my dear friends said, the good thing to come out of this relationship is that now I know I can love - which I had strongly doubted in the past. I loved him very imperfectly, it's true; but if love is the genuine desire for someone's well-being and the willingness to sacrifice for that well-being, then I did love him. For every time I caved to my pounding heart and shot him a bothersome text, there were three or four times that I pushed the phone away and left him alone. His grades and reputation were huge motivators in how hard I worked on our joint projects. And when I could make him laugh and forget about his troubles for a moment, I felt like the most powerful and successful woman in the world.

I'm not going to try to love him in this way anymore. I've made sure, the last two times I've seen him, to let him know that he can come to me anytime he wants to vent or take a break from school, and I have genuinely meant it - not as a ploy to get him to go out with me. Now he knows it; and with that promise successfully tucked in his pocket, I can leave and freely explore the big world opening up ahead of me.

I hope - I really do hope - that he will call me back every so often. I hope I can stop by his office and sit with him in the afternoon again sometime. I hope, someday, he'll give me that hug that he never quite did. But I'm not going to chase after it anymore. Love that is not freely offered is not love at all.

***

I continue to hope that, somewhere along my journey, I find a tall, brown-eyed Jesus lover who welcomes me into his heart with warmth and understanding - someone who values and cherishes me, who looks at me with pride, not disgust. I pray that there is a man who will grow stronger and bolder when I shyly hand him my heart, who will allow me to add my strengths to his and to gently pour compassion into his weaknesses. I pray that there is a man who will raise up children with me, loving and protecting them as precious gifts from God.

I have caught a tiny glimpse of what love can be, and I see now that it is worth wanting and worth waiting for. And whether I am ever allowed to step fully into its light, I now know that the love of my friends and their husbands is worth supporting, nurturing, and protecting as a friend, not something to be feared or sneered at. Any pain or disappointment I have felt over this past year has been completely worth it, if I have truly learned this lesson.

After all - "for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God (1 John 4:7)". May I always value and protect this most precious gift.

growing up

The semester is winding down. Only the gigantic year-ending cumulative first year exam stands between me and summer vacation.

It feels so strange to be closing this chapter full of so many new beginnings. Some of them are falling like dead seeds into the ground, dormant for now, but I am confident that they will yield beautiful vegetation and shade trees and fruit one day. Some of them are still alive, fragile seedlings growing hope in the charred and dark places of my scorched heart. I don't know yet which of these tiny hope-plants will survive and thrive, and which are bound to wither away - their time and mine are in God's gentle, mighty hands. And some of them were planted just recently and they're growing strongly, bright healthy plants that promise a harvest of bountiful blessings sooner than I think.

***

This summer, I will be returning to my old writing job to take over some projects in need of a skilled hand - I hope and am determined to be that skilled hand. I'm going to see about getting involved in the music ministry at my new church - I would be thrilled to get to serve the Lord with music again!! - and finally, finally, after 10 years, get my driver's license. I'm going to keep practicing photography and looking for new ways to serve the Lord and other people through it - I was genuinely surprised how many people I've had the chance to help and bless with my new camera this semester. I'm going to wear beautiful dresses, and put a touch of pink or mauve color in my hair, and above all, I'm going to celebrate the new things that God is doing in me and through me.

***

I'm also going to be moving - for the first time, I will be moving into my own apartment! Everything has fallen perfectly into place; I know that God's timing is finally right, and I'm terribly excited - there is a dear crabapple tree that hangs its pretty branches over my balcony, and my room has a gigantic window that I can drape with romantic white curtains, and I can build bookshelves and nooks for knickknacks and have friends over for tea and old movies. I can't wait to start learning about hospitality - and the less glamorous, but equally important, joy of daily homemaking.

***

The guy friend and I have been seeing a lot of each other lately - at his request, surprisingly. I love being with him, and every time he chooses me and asks to spend time with me, I feel like I could fly to the moon. His presence in my life is definitely a catalyst for several different hard, important lessons that I'm learning - that no courtship article or marriage book has it all figured out when it comes to messy relationships between multi-dimensional people; that loving someone despite their flaws and struggles is a very Christlike thing to do, not something to be ashamed of; and most importantly, that God loves to give good gifts to us and wants us to have joyful, abundant lives, so I shouldn't be afraid to bring my requests to Him or think that He's going to slap my wrist and rebuke me for wanting a blessing. He doesn't want me to drag around feeling anxious and guilty all the time, and He certainly doesn't want "trusting Him" to look like apathetic acceptance that nothing I want will ever work out. Even if He lovingly says no and fills me with joy from a different source, He wants me to come before Him in love as a cherished daughter, and boldly ask for this hard, challenging, beautiful responsibility.

So following the example of my dear friends who are submissively but expectantly praying for other blessings in their lives - new jobs, new babies, new places - I am going to ask the Holy Spirit to guide me in two areas: Firstly, in cultivating a submissive, accepting spirit in me that authentically seeks God's glory and approval, and doesn't rebel at the thought of not getting my way; but secondly, in fearlessly watering the hope in my heart, disregarding the risk of pain, and preparing myself to be the best girlfriend I can be in case God's answer is "yes." I have no idea how one does that; but I'm starting by praying for the guy friend every day, and simultaneously trying to do better at respecting his introvert-recharge time and personal space.

***

I'm growing up, friends ... I know, it's about time (*grimace*); but it feels really good and really scary to be transitioning into decisions and opportunities that will affect other people and maybe even future generations, not just myself. It's terrifying to stand before God and ask Him if this fallen, broken, wonderful man is the one He has chosen for me. It's terrifying to think about shopping for my very own kitchen appliances and groceries and toilet-fixing gadgets. It's terrifying to see the bright excitement of the new Master's program I'm going into and wonder what hard and incredibly important service awaits me there.

But it's also beautiful. 

Tonight, I'm going to go review my notes on hearing aid algorithms and acoustic reflexes, and get myself to bed early, so I can go into that classroom tomorrow and show all those professors who didn't believe in me how much I really learned. (Or, alternatively, fail the exam bombastically and finish out my glorious failure in an appropriately dramatic burst of flaming wreckage.)

And tomorrow? Another chapter of my life-book will close, and I will step out into a brand-new one.

I may dash away a few tears, but even so, I can hardly wait.

when you don't know if he's the one {or, 5 ways to stay sane}

"Soooo, are you guys, like ... together?"

They have no idea what a stressful question that is. How do you slap a neat label on something as fragile and mysterious as the soft mound of a seedling just below the soil?

I just smile and shrug and say something like "Well, if we are, he hasn't told me about it, soooo ..."

I'm not being facetious. I genuinely don't know. I know that we prefer each other's company and have a lot of fun when we're together, but I also know that we are both very self-sufficient and have plenty of reasons not to start a relationship right now. For today, we are just friends. Ish.

The days, weeks, or months in which a simple friendship begins to look like something else are challenging for pretty much anyone, let alone a spinsterly homeschool alumna who has just spent the last four years of her life living and working with almost entirely women. Anxiety and questions abound, mostly all boiling down to either "is this all in my imagination?" or "oh my goodness, should I have said that?". The churned-up soil of an undefined relationship is a fertile place to grow viney worries, sticky-burr obsessions, and wild dreams that grow like invasive weeds ... as more and more of these intrusive thoughts and unexpected feelings wind around my mind and stick to my heart, their weight makes it more and more difficult to wade through each day without collapsing in nervous exhaustion.

So what's a girl to do?

***

I definitely, definitely do not have it all figured out - because my friend and I see each other every day, I feel like every morning I'm starting over, trying to understand the strange, rusty emotions that mix together weirdly in my 8AM coffee. But through this experience, I am learning some principles that are really benefiting me; and I wanted to share what I am learning in hopes that it might help someone else - not only people who might be in the early stages of a relationship as well, but anyone facing uncertainty at the beginning of a big change in their lives.

I. Pray like a daughter. I'm not talking about primly uttered prayers asking God to prepare my heart to be a perfect Proverbs 31 girlfriend, should that day come ... I'm talking about crying prayers, messy prayers, prayers about the embarrassing and scary questions that I don't know how to ask. I'm talking about scared-daughter prayers to my Father. Abba, I'm feeling angry because he didn't say goodbye before leaving ... and I know that's ridiculous because he said four times that he was really hungry ... and I'm just mad at myself for getting so stupidly mad over these stupid little things.

I guarantee that the Holy Spirit has been facepalming very hard over the confused, irrationally angry, weepy prayers that I have been mournfully tossing up to Him over these last few months ... but He has been listening and bringing me bracing truth, soothing comfort, and gentle warnings that exactly answer each unique day's heart-needs. Pray, pray, pray to God as a listening Father Who cares more about your daughter heart than even the most attentive earthly father.

II. Keep busy. The old saying "idle minds are the devil's workshop, and idle hands his tools" is truer than I wish it were. If you keep moving, the sticky burrs and vines don't have as much of a chance to stick to you - in plain English, engage yourself in good things that busy your hands and your mind, so that you don't get stuck in those horrible cyclical worries and draining fears. Put on a movie while crocheting a baby blanket for a friend or charity. Go give your bedroom a good going-over with inspirational music playing in the background. Scrub your bathtub while listening to a podcast. Doing something with both your mind and your hands will burn off some of that anxious energy and apply it to something useful - while keeping racing thoughts at bay.

III. Monitor your motivation. Maybe this is just me, but I am finding to my chagrin that what I think are my reasons for doing certain things in this relationship are not the real underlying reasons after all. For example, this evening I texted my friend to tease him a bit, as we like to do; and I told myself I was being friendly. But after firing off the text, I took a step back and truly examined my heart, and I realized that this time it wasn't really about making him smile, but about me - I feel so special when he takes time out of his busy schedule to text me, and I was seeking out that feeling because it was late in the day and I was hungry and lonely.

Now, I'm not encouraging you to start over-analyzing everything you say and do, looking for hidden ulterior motives everywhere; because trust me, that is an even worse state to be in than an impulsive one. But when we are very emotionally invested in something - something that we really want to happen - it can be easy to let our anxious hopes mix in with our bigger intentions and make them selfish. I know this is the exact opposite of what I want to happen in this friendship, whether it grows up into the next level or not; so I need to check on myself every so often to make sure that I am still acting in love and servanthood, not in selfishness.

IV. Take care whom you confide in. This is one that I have learned the hard way. In any potentially life-changing situation, it is important to have as much constructive counsel as you can get; but the key is realizing whose counsel is constructive and whose is unhelpful or even destructive. Some of the small handful of people I have confided in have been gentle, helpful, and encouraging; but others have actually contributed to my anxiety and worry quite significantly with discouraging, negative comments. When you are dealing with something that is brand-new and very important to you - whether it's a relationship like this, or something like a new job venture, a new baby, or any other new work that God is bringing forth in your life - it is vital that you surround yourself with godly counsel that will gently encourage and correct you, not scold or question you and add to your self-doubt during a time when you're generating plenty of it on your own.

V. Enjoy being yourself. Don't forget that, even though you may be eager to spend more time with your new friend and try out this "dating" thing that everyone is so excited about, for now you're still quite single; and now is a great time to remember all the things you love about this stage of your life. That looks different for everyone; but for me, it has meant Disney marathons with my brothers, taking long walks in the slowly warming weather, and enjoying lunch with my dearest girlfriends. Life as a single grad student is a beautiful thing, and whether this works out or not, I never want to lose sight of all the blessings that I have right now, right here, in this place and this moment.

***

There is no easy way to navigate this time of life, but it helps so much to remember that God has everything under control - just like every other relationship in my life, this one is to bring glory to His name and to shape and mold both me and my friend more closely into the mold of the One we love, the Lord Jesus Christ. It's not easy to continually, moment by moment, reroute these quite-natural-but-dangerously-close-to-selfish desires into spiritual channels; but the Holy Spirit is right with me with all the resources of strength and willpower from heaven at my disposal, and He wants to keep me walking the straight path of His will even more than I want to.

My God is mighty, and powerful, and the One my soul loves. My Father, whom do I have on earth besides You? No earthly friendship compares with Your white-hot love that fills and purifies every corner of my heart and soul; and I pray again that You would surround me with Your protection and satisfy every longing that I have with the beauty, majesty, and sufficiency that only You can provide!

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." ~ Jude 24-25

Becoming

Current Goals:

To learn to truly and purely love others, 

without the impure stain of self-congratulation and self-admiration.


To understand just how sinful I am,
So that I can better see how glorious our God is,
and how badly I need Him.

To learn to accept failure and disappointment,

without darkly groaning about how much I deserve it 

(and, of course, hoping someone will comfort me and tell me how wrong I am).

To learn to accept setbacks without breaking and melting down -

or, to truly accept God's will for me, even when it looks different than I hope.

To learn to speak the truth in love,

to realize that I can't always be "nice,"

to be willing to make enemies.

To learn to bring my worries and fears to God and trust Him for comfort,

not run to my friends or even family, and expect them to fill my needs.

To learn to keep my mind and my effort focused on the task in front of me,

not to escape to leisure and rest as soon as I can manage it,

but to complete my tasks strongly and thoroughly.

and,

To learn to be true to myself:

to be quiet when I need space to think;

to control my responses and actions, not let circumstances whirl me along;

to bravely use silence to plan my words and thoughts;

to be willing to be

compassionately different,

refreshingly weird, and

comfortingly normal.

*^*^*

What are your current goals? Who are you trying to become?

Hi, I'm Unemployed

They even bought me roses ...

This past Friday was my last day at my beloved job. Gifts were given, pranks were played, and many tears were shed. It was a beautiful, bittersweet day.

And today?

It's amazing how much of ourselves we pour into our jobs, isn't it? We define ourselves by our jobs. When people ask us who we are, we typically begin by telling them what we do for a living. Whatever that job may be, even if it's working from home or in the home, our work is a vital part of who we are; and we never feel that more keenly than when our work is taken away. A businessman retires, a mother's last child leaves the nest, a soldier is honorably discharged; and then ... what?

I don't actually know at this point. For the last eight months, I have been an administrator - supervising students, scheduling appointments, taking minutes, writing reports, planning events, and running interference for my boss when he let me. I have been my friends' counselor and therapist, my boss's assistant and sounding board, and the friendly telephone voice representing my organization. In other words, I had a place - a role to fill, a part to play. But now ... what?

Of course I know I'm going back to grad school; but that's part of the uncertainty. I don't know where I fit there yet. I don't know where I fit in my new lab - am I the jokester, the mom, the teacher's pet, the wallflower? (I usually fall in one of those four categories at the places I work.) What tasks will be mine to perform? And what about my role in my grad program - will I be a star student? Middle of the pack? Struggle to keep my head above water?

I'm not terribly worried about any of these questions because they always come with a change, and they always settle down after a couple of months. But they're also a good reminder that even the most important parts of our identity and self-image can change, morph, and become something different. ONLY our identity as sons and daughters of God remains permanent and unchanging throughout the years of our lives.

I'm looking forward to seeing who I'm going to be in this next season of my life!

Life is real, life is earnest

From here via Pinterest

I'm chilling in the kitchen, eating my late-night dinner of reheated pizza and fresh blueberries. I just got home from a 10-hour workday, and I'm exhausted.

More than exhausted, though, I'm feeling very sober and thoughtful tonight. Three of my very dearest friends were in a terrible car wreck yesterday and narrowly, barely, Providentially escaped a horrible death. Two of these friends are Christians, and while their death would have been by far the most excruciating and tortuous thing I have ever experienced, there was something worse - my third friend is not a Christian. Her last chance at accepting Christ was just a breath away from being gone forever.

I have never before felt like I did when I looked at the pictures of the crushed back seat of the car, where she had been sitting. It was that close. This wasn't a hypothetical made-up character, or an emotional ploy in a tent-meeting sermon. This was a real live girl whom I've hugged and laughed with and rolled my eyes at and shared coffee with on a cold winter afternoon. And she's lost. And she almost was lost, for all eternity.

What have I been doing with my life?

Too often, the gray, mundane hum of daily life dulls us to the vivid, intense reality of the spiritual world in which we really live. Life isn't really about wooden spoons and spreadsheets and iPhones and wallpaper paste. Life is about praying, and loving, and teaching, and ultimately showing and telling the wonderful news of Christ's rescuing death and resurrection - not just to the impersonal masses of humanity, but also to our cubiclemates, our kids' babysitters, our friends.

I don't know how to go from shyly showing my faith in nonverbal ways to courageously, lovingly telling people what the Bible says about their need for Him. But after today, I can see how important it is that I learn. It sounds so cliche, but it's so true that we really never know when we will never see someone again. And it's not always the other person - next time it could be me in the accident. Or it could be me who moves, or gets immersed in grad school, or quits Facebook. Or whatever. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I know I have today, now, this moment.

Abba, make my love for others as bold and brave as Yours!!

Remember: Expansive

- Just because you don't look like "everybody else" does not mean you are not beautiful. Have you read Song of Solomon lately? Did Solomon talk about how his beloved bride had the latest hairstyle, the chic clothes that everybody was wearing, or the Christian Louboutin shoes? No. He said she was unique. She was different. She was not like the other women. Being yourself will make you stand out to the right people who want to know you for who you are on the inside, not what accessories and clothes and dyes you can put on yourself to blend in with the crowd. Think about the most remarkable people you know - what is it that draws you to them? Is it what they look like? Or is it the unique and fascinating person that shines in their words and actions? It's your personality and God-given interests and styles that are beautiful and truly attractive.

- "But food will not commend us to God; we are neither the worse if we do not eat, nor the better if we do eat" (1 Cor. 8:8). You are not a horrible person because you ate a cheeseburger. You did not "fail" because you drank regular Coke instead of diet. You are not a slob because your body needed you to stay home and rest a while instead of go to the gym. Certainly it's important to take care of your body; but don't fall into the trap of saying "oh, I'm such a horrible person, I ate _________". Horrible people commit crimes and destroy families and communities. Eating a few brownies does not make you horrible.

- Food is in itself neither good nor evil. The culture of fitness and nutritious eating in our society has imposed an incredible amount of guilt on us for the food choices we make. From gigantic calorie labels on vending machines, to prohibitions of super-sized sodas, to frightening PSAs about obese children and the problems they face, we are constantly indoctrinated to believe that foods like cookies, pizza, chips, etc. are not just "bad for you," but that it's borderline wrong to eat them. You are told that you have to perform a "penance" of exercise or abstinence in order to make up for the "sin" of eating the forbidden food. Please remember that that isn't true. Maybe the cookie isn't the best food choice you could eat, but as long as you're eating everything in moderation, you will be fine, and you haven't done anything wrong. Don't let society keep you down with guilt.

- Be big. Be a big person. I don't mean be famous, or ambitious, or busy; I just mean to let yourself reach out and explore a lot of different things. Don't be so preoccupied with your body that you shrink down into a small, anxious, self-absorbed woman. Reach out into the world around you and be expansive. Read something new; learn a new skill; meet a new person; think about something in a new way. Try a clothing style or food that you've never tried before. Visit family in a place you rarely go. Don't let society press and squeeze you into a little, tight, size-zero version of who it thinks you should be. Break free. Be free and open to hear the Holy Spirit's voice and the voices of your family, your true friends, and the people out there that God has prepared for you to meet and love. The world is a big place - let yourself be big enough to take it all in.

Just Talk About It

Imagine for a moment that you and your husband have had an argument.

I know that may be difficult for you newly-wedded lovebirds to comprehend.  :-)  But try to imagine it for a minute. The argument is over now; the issue has blown over, and you are no longer fighting. However, neither of you has apologized to the other, and in fact, the argument has not been discussed at all. You both still feel uncomfortable - talking, making eye contact, greeting each other after work is awkward and difficult because of the memory of what you said to each other. You continue to say and do all the right dutiful things that you're supposed to say and do as husband and wife, but there is a fellowship and fire lacking because you have not brought the issue out into the open, acknowledged it, and forgiven and been forgiven.

What would be the logical thing to do in this situation? Wouldn't it be better to lay aside the "Hello darling, how was your day? Can I get you a warm bath while I finish cooking the biscuits?" and instead use a plain old "I'm sorry for being a creep and calling you a jerk. Can you ever forgive me?"

Yes, it would be better. But all too often, at least in my own life, my relationship with God looks like the first situation, because I just plain old don't talk about the things that are coming between Him and me.

Sometimes it's actual sin - unbelief, covetousness, jealousy, carelessness - that I genuinely don't want to discuss, let alone confess. That is, obviously, dangerous and wicked. Sometimes, though, it's just that I had my feelings hurt and I'd rather pity myself than talk to God about it, that I'm genuinely worried about something and find it difficult to focus my mind on a good prayer, or that the stresses of my life are weighing on me too heavily to pray for others.

What would be the logical thing to do in this situation?

Too often, I go the route of the hypothetical couple in the beginning and just mumble a sterile "Lord, I'm sorry for all the sins I committed today; help me do better tomorrow, amen" before I fall into bed and pull the blankets over my head.

This morning during devotions, I was tempted to do the same usual thing. "Lord, please bless this day, help me not to mess up too badly, amen". But my devotional reading for the day was Charles Spurgeon; and reading his bracing, gently-sympathetic-yet-uncompromisingly-firm encouragement brought me to a place where I knew I couldn't just leave things the way they were yet again. I didn't know what else to do; so I just crawled under the blankets and talked to God about things exactly how they were.

I told Him that I was having trouble believing His promises in a couple of areas. I told Him that I was feeling fragile and down on myself because of my two friends who got engaged this week. I didn't use any "bless this" or "give me a good day" phrases. I told Him everything without even asking Him to change it or take it away - I just told Him that this was the way things were with me right now, and why I needed help to get back in fellowship with Him. And to my surprise, the feeling that flowed down all over me as I prayed was as if He were saying, Yes, daughter, I know. I already knew that. Thank you for finally coming to Me about it.

How ridiculous of me. Of course He already knew what I was thinking and feeling and struggling with. Why did I think that somehow not talking to Him about these things would make them go away? Just like the young couple in the beginning, even though the Lord and I both already knew what was going on between us and whose fault it was (mine, of course), He was waiting for me to finally acknowledge the issues and get them out into the air, confessing the sin and yielding up the anxiety and hurt, before He lifted away the burdens and restored peace to my heart.

And lo and behold, I'm learning my childhood Sunday school lessons over again as an adult - I can talk to Him that way at any time of the day, anywhere I want! There are certainly times and places when a formal prayer is more appropriate; but as I'm walking between classes, working at my office, hanging out in the student union, snuggling into bed for the night, or doing practically any other activity in my typical days, I can be talking to Him and keeping that communication line open.

This kind of open, vulnerable communication is, of course, a difficult adjustment no matter what context you're using it in, and I don't expect my relationship with God to be any different. But just as in a human relationship, only more so, it ultimately all boils down to trust. Do I trust Him to love me when I'm angry and hurt and confused, just as I trust Him to love me when I'm saintly and kind and loving? Do I trust Him to hold me to His heart when I feel fragile and delicate, without hiding within myself for fear that He will push me onto my feet and tell me to just buck up? And importantly, do I trust Him to deal frankly with my sin, knowing that He already saw it in all its horror when the slime of it covered His broken body on the cross, and to wash it off me even when I'm squirming in protest?

He has promised to do all these things for me, and from now on, I want to run to Him in every circumstance. Instead of hiding within myself because I'm afraid of what He'll say or do, I want to "talk it out," lay everything out in front of Him, and trust that He will do what's best.

"My Beautiful Woman"

You may have seen the "My Beautiful Woman" series before, especially if you are familiar with the pro-life movement at all; but I'm sure there are at least a few of you who haven't seen them, and so I wanted to post them here:



In the first video, an expectant mother receives devastating news that forces her to decide between her own life and the life of her unborn child; in the second video, a hard-driving business executive must face the disappointment and misunderstanding of her coworkers when she mysteriously quits work for a very important reason; and in the third video, a college student bears the weight of malicious rumors to ensure a carefree life for her preschool-age daughter.

These videos were created by Wacoal, a Japanese lingerie company that also has branches in the U.S. and other countries. Unlike what you'd expect from a lingerie manufacturer, however, these videos focus not on a woman's body, but on her spirit - all three celebrate the beautiful gift of a woman's sacrificial love and maternal instincts, whether she has her own children or not.

I'd really, really encourage you to grab a cup of coffee and a box of tissues and watch these videos. Each is only 8 minutes long; you can even watch them one at at a time, as you have opportunity. I was deeply moved by each one of them - they helped me remember that our desires as women to nurture and love children are beautiful and God-given; and as the second video shows, we don't have to have children of our own to use these maternal impulses to bless others Additionally, because each of these videos is narrated by an important man in each of the women's lives, they also helped me remember that good men still respect and value a woman who is willing to sacrifice her career, reputation, and even health to take care of her children.

If you do take a few minutes to watch the videos, please leave me a comment and let me know what you think! I'd love to hear your opinion!  :-)

Have a wonderful evening, my sisters!!

Hugs,
Vicki

Reflection

Do you ever feel like the way you look on the outside doesn't match the way you feel on the inside?

I feel like this often. On the inside, I feel like Anne of Green Gables - elfin, fiery, mysterious, unique, beautiful. I love strange, watery mist-blue things, like ghostly choirs, foggy coastlines, haunting pipe-tunes, and diving skyhawks; and feel like I belong with them, walking by the sea in the gray early morning, with the spray floating up off the waves, soaking the long sweater wrapped around my thin shoulders. If my inner world were my outer world, I would be small and slim, with long, thick auburn hair, a pale poetic face, and wide, expressive gray eyes.

Instead, I feel like I look more like Imelda Staunton.

And I wonder, how did this foolish little dreamer that I am get stuck in such a round, frumpy pastry of a body? Instead of looking elfin and mysterious, my plump, dimpled face, prominent nose, little thick body, and limp blondish hair are just perfectly suited to be a little Polish housewife and sausage shop owner. Or something equally plump and solid and ridiculous.

I'm not saying this isn't a perfectly good body that gets me where I need to go and looks respectable, because it is. I could have just as easily received a body that was sick or disabled, and I'm thankful to be healthy and to have the energy I need to live my life. I know that God designed my body the way it is for a reason. It just bothers me that people can't see on the outside what I'm really like on the inside. So many people tell me how they love that I'm so little and cute and bubbly all the time; and I feel like, if I looked different, maybe they would see that I'm actually gray and moody and darkly self-centered.

What do you think? Do you feel like your outward appearance reflects your internal personality pretty well? Or do you feel the disconnect that I'm talking about?

~ Vicki

Reaching out of myself

"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. ... 
Let him who is not in community beware of being alone. ... 
Each by itself has profound perils and pitfalls. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and the one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation and despair." 
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

***

I've been wallowing in the "abyss of vanity, self-infatuation and despair" for a really long time, and it's been really difficult to commit myself to crawling out of it and getting involved in church again. I've got a lot of emotional barriers that I've constructed over the years to avoid letting people into my heart and life - feelings of inferiority that make me bitter and defensive; also feelings of superiority (go figure) that make me bored and negligent. Laziness and unwillingness to get involved in new friendships, because I'm happy with the ones I've got. Difficulty stopping the unceasing rattling train wreck of thoughts in my scattered brain, making it hard to think of other people because I'm always dancing around the craziness inside myself.

I know it's really important to stay involved with our new church and to really start getting connected with people. But it's really hard to keep my narcissistic, introverted self from just going "meh."

I listened to this old Supertramp song tonight and it made me very thoughtful. The ways it applies to me are actually quite frighteningly accurate:

Right at the very end of the song, there is a bad word used as an adjective, but you can stop the song before hearing that and you won't miss anything important.

It's written from the other side - the singer is talking to the girl who won't let anyone in, and trying desperately to show her that the way to escape the cold loneliness and isolation that are making her old is not to have someone else come and find her and love her, like she thinks it is, but to reach out to other people and love them, and thereby open up her own heart. And as I listened to it, I realized that while the song was not written from a Scriptural perspective, the underlying concept is sound - it isn't through sitting inside ourselves and waiting to be loved that we find true fellowship and joy; it is through reaching out to others and bringing them joy, just as Jesus did.

Father, please help me to turn my attitude around, and to look around for people who need love and friendship and prayer, rather than sitting in my little corner and waiting for someone to come find me!!

Love,
Vicki

Still a Worthy Dream

Today was an interesting day.

After working hard at my office this morning, I came home to watch Dan and Nick in the afternoon. I helped them play Twister and Frisbee tag outside, wash their hair, set up blanket forts in the family room, pop popcorn, and put their pajamas on; then I made dinner in a hurry because it needed to be early today; and in the middle of all that, I baked brownies, kept the boys from disagreeing over blanket fort boundaries, tried to babysit the TV, and tried to keep loads of laundry going in the washer and loads of dirty dishes going in the dishwasher.

Whew.

Most of you, especially you married women and moms, probably read that with a blank expression and said, "Yeah? So? When do we get to the interesting part?"

The interesting part was when I finally collapsed onto a stool to rest my aching feet and realized that this is what my mom has been doing every single day. And so much more. For almost thirty years. Without complaining.

And it got more interesting; because the words that escaped my heart after a sigh of admiration and awe were, "This whole homemaking thing is just awful! Maybe I don't mind not being married after all!"

***

This worried me. I was genuinely worried that maybe I'm not cut out to be a wife and mother at all - maybe I'm still too selfish and immature. Even worse, I worried that I might get married anyway, and turn out to be a lousy housekeeper and a shrewish, selfish mother. (Yes, I've worried this before.) Maybe it would be better for me just to accept my fate as a single career woman, so I could live by myself in an apartment and not have to do all that homemaking stuff.

And then the Lord sent this article to me:

Your Wedding Is Still Something Worth Wanting

I can't tell you how encouraging this was. Because very often lately, my thoughts about marriage have been running just like the author describes in the first paragraph of the post:

"Maybe marriage isn't all that great after all.

"When divorce rates are high and the surviving marriages around us seem broken, messy, and unhappy — and there are plenty of other good things to keep us busy — lots of young men and women in their twenties and thirties have basically given up on marriage. With all the pain, failure, and friction, it simply can't be worth it, can it? Surely I can find other ways to enjoy love, companionship, and even the feeling of a family. That’s what Facebook is right? There are other ways for me to be known and loved, and marriage really isn't necessary for my happiness or significance here on earth."

You know those "YESSS!!!" moments when you find something that perfectly expresses your own thoughts or feelings about something? This was it. I've been really struggling to understand what is so great about marriage anyway; and then today's dawning realization that marriage also means letting yourself in for 40+ years of constant housework and babysitting mothering duties just compounded it.

But this article went on to really challenge my narrow, self-centered thinking. I'm not going to summarize it here because I badly want you to read it yourself (yes, even you married ladies, because I think it will still be very encouraging!); but the author's main point is to remind us that the ultimate goal of marriage is not to give us happiness, or even self-worth or identity. The ultimate goals of marriage are a) to bring glory to God through its modeling of His permanent, sacrificial love; b) to make two complementary believers into a powerful unit to reach out to a wider circle of people (read: Aquila and Priscilla); and c) to have children and raise up men and women to serve God and reach an even wider circle of people.

Ironically, placing the concept of marriage into this sanctified and spiritual realm actually lifted some of my burdens. If marriage is about "happiness" - romance and kisses and snuggles and all that stuff - then I'm in a bad way; because eventually (okay, sooner rather than later) my own strength to make someone happy is going to run out. But if this is a missional thing, a circumstance to bring us closer to God and to bring others closer to God, well then, that's much different; because that means that it's something God will specially empower me to do. He'll get me through the mountains of dirty laundry and the saltine crumbs in the carpet and the husband coming home and asking first thing when dinner will be ready (I rather shocked myself with the violence of my reaction to my poor brother who did that to me last week).

This post also reminded me that, despite the temptation to view it as one means among many for fulfilling my social needs, marriage is the only human relationship that was intentionally created and ordained by God. It is admittedly hard for me to understand, because I've never been initiated into the mystery of being in love; but I need to accept it on faith that even in our who-cares society, marriage is still sanctified and very special - and worth all of the hard work that goes into it.

That's the thing - right now, from the outside, all I see is the work and messiness of trying to mesh my self-centered life with some man's self-centered life; but if the Lord grants me to see the inside one day, I know that, because it is a relationship specially designed by God and mirroring His love for His people, it is going to be all right.

***

This post definitely provided me with some things to think about, and a timely call to bring my thinking back in line and value the things God values. I would highly encourage you to read it - and please drop me a comment with your thoughts/reactions!

Have a wonderful evening, my sisters!

Hugs,
Vicki

Celebrating Jane Porter

Okay, since I just finished watching Tarzan on this lovely Friday night, I'm going to geek out a bit.

I think that, out of all of the Disney heroines available to those of us who have by virtue of age found ourselves in mentorship and parenting roles, we do not pay nearly enough attention to Jane Porter from Tarzan. 

- Jane has no nasty rebellious attitudes. Jane and her father are probably one of the most adorable parent-child pairings in all Disney. They not only mutually depend on each other, but they have a great deal of friendship and respect for each other, too. When Jane first meets Tarzan and she is overcome with shock and curiosity, she doesn't sit on a rock and sing a solo about how her restrictive world has just burst open; she runs straight to her father and pours out her whole story, with all the enthusiasm of a trusting little girl. And speaking of trust, when Jane begins to feel attracted to Tarzan, she doesn't get all mopey and withdrawn like other Disney princesses do. She trusts her father enough to talk with him about it and seek his advice. He may not be the wisest or most sagely father in the world, but he loves her very much and does his best to encourage her and give what advice he can. Their relationship is definitely one that I wouldn't hesitate to let my daughters (or sons!) watch.

- Jane is content to let the protecting men in her life ... well, protect her. Jane never tries to evade her father's authority or strike out on her own. He is the one who is leading the research team, and she follows him. When he gives advice, she listens to it. Later, during the ending music sequence after she and Tarzan are (married? It's a bit ambiguous because they're living in a jungle devoid of any other humans besides her father), she lets Tarzan lead the way through the vine and branch pathways because he knows them much better than she does. She possesses a submissive spirit - she cheerfully accepts that her father and husband are bigger, stronger, and more experienced than she is, and she is willing to place herself under their protection.

- Nevertheless, Jane is courageous and energetically pursues her dreams. Jane is an artist and scientist, brave enough to travel alone with her father and another man to uncharted Victorian-era Africa. She doesn't mope around about how she doesn't fit in with the other girls or how she's never found true love - she doesn't have time! Until she meets Tarzan, her energy is focused on discovering wildlife, experiencing a new country, and enjoying and drawing the beautiful things she sees. She actually has much bigger goals than most of the other Disney princesses do - and by cheerfully accepting her role as a woman under the protection of her father and husband, she goes much farther in her life than the princesses who rebel and fight against their authority.

- Jane is mature, open-minded, and willing to learn about what's important to others. How many girls would be willing to take the time to get to know a dirty feral man in a loincloth and teach him, not things like to dance or to eat oatmeal correctly, but to speak? To walk upright? And not just to teach him concepts, which could be done with self-righteous condescension; but to take time to actually talk to him, learn from him, and explore his culture and lifestyle, which would be horrific to a proper Victorian lady but vitally important to him? It's easy to fall in love with a gorgeous Prince Eric or a brilliant Flynn Rider; but it takes a thoughtful, mature woman to fall in love with a Tarzan.

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I know she's not a Disney princess, and Tarzan will never get as much attention as the more lucrative girl-oriented princess movies; but you can take Frozen and stick it in your icebox - if I had to choose one of the Disney women to be a model for my hypothetical daughters, she would be my choice any day!

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Your geeky friend,
Vicki