Afraid to be Loved

Not long ago, I ran into a young man whom I had known a while back, and we had a chance to talk for a little while. Now, he's a fairly special young man, but I had forgotten that; and I was amazed to feel myself changing into a completely different person than normal as he talked with me quietly, respectfully, asking me questions and treating me like an equal and a lady. I was warmed all over by his friendly smile and wave as we said goodbye. In fact, I wanted to see more of him. Could he tell that? Did he know?

With my parents' blessing, I shyly sent him a friend request on Facebook, just to let him know that I was open to seeing him again if he liked. Later that day, he accepted; and just for good measure, he dropped a friendly "like" on my profile picture. I felt giddy and lightheaded. Maybe he thought I was pretty! Maybe he liked me! Maybe ... !

But when I peeked at his page later, I found what I should have expected in the first place: photos of him and his girlfriend. My happy balloon of hope burst unceremoniously and plopped into a little crumpled pile in its usual place on the floor of my heart. So. He was just being friendly and polite to an old acquaintance. I should have known - it was silly of me to think that a guy like him could be interested in a silly old spinster like me.

But, the moral of this story is not that I was disappointed, like any normal girl would be. The surprising thing to me was that when all the air gushed out of my silly little hope-balloon, it turned out to be, not disappointment primarily, but relief.

I was relieved that things were staying the same. I was still unattractive; still single; still a plain little spinster puttering through unromantic days. My knees immediately grew weak and I could easily have collapsed on the kitchen floor from sheer relief.

Because the prospect of being in love terrifies me.

It's true. To me, falling in love represents the most frightening and extreme manifestation of lost control. When I am not in love, I am a rational being, walking along the path that I choose (within God's will, of course); I go where I want, do what I want, plan my own day, and have the power to walk away from a friend if she is dragging me down or if our friendship is not beneficial to us anymore. I get emotional, but I do it on my own time, when it's convenient. I can present myself any way I choose, because no one really knows me deep down inside - I am something of a mystery, and I like it that way, because I can keep my own private world to myself and only show others what I want them to see.

If I fell in love, everything would be completely the opposite. Lovers aren't rational. My emotions would be out of my control - I couldn't keep everything all bottled up until I was safe and hidden and alone at night; they would be too powerful. People would see how I was really feeling. It's always that way with lovers. And what about with him, my boyfriend/lover/husband? He would know everything! No more carefully upkept facade with him - he would know when I was depressed, grumpy, selfish, moody, giddy, or reckless. He would come into my private world and see all the secrets I keep there - not that I have anything to be ashamed of; but how can I share my midnight fantasies, my daytime reveries, my favorite music, my tears and secret smiles - how can I share those with another person? How could I ever trust anyone enough to let them see those things, especially someone as foreign as a man?

And most importantly of all, if I ever fell in love, I would no longer be walking alone. I couldn't just walk away from it - once the ring was on my finger, I would be sealed for life. Of course, there are many days and nights when I desperately wish I didn't have to be alone; but what about the many days and nights when I put my face in the wind and let my spirit run, rejoicing in knowing that my heart is free and doesn't belong to any mortal man? Could there ever be a man who would let me be alone when I'm in those moods? If not, would the sunsets and thunderstorms and autumn days still look the same if I had to share them with someone? Would I still seek after God in the same way as I do now? Or would my relationship with Him change?

Now, don't get me wrong, I haven't suddenly turned into a man-hater, and I still want to get married as much as ever. That's what bothers me. In theory, I love the idea of falling in love and getting married. I actually think I would be a pretty good wife, and I know I would be a very good mother. But in practice, anytime it looks like there actually might be a man for me, the thought just scares me to death. I'll happily give up my heart to a man as long as he's imaginary. But when he's flesh and blood, standing in front of me? I gasp and shrink way. I changed my mind. You can't have my heart. You might break it. Besides, I don't need you to take care of me anyway. I can take care of myself.

Something must be wrong with my attitude somewhere - it usually is. Lack of faith is the most logical choice. But this is one area where I can't just "venture out in faith" and see what God will do, because it involves the heart of another person; and it is likely to be just as sensitive and frightened as mine. And I would far rather have my own heart broken, than to break someone else's.

What can I do? How will I ever learn to accept love if I'm so deathly afraid of it?

Vicki

My Real Self

She's the office jokester, the class brain, the short, funny-faced girl with the geek glasses and red Converses.

People think she's a little quirky - she loves to perch on desks and tell stories, sends pictures of Darth Vader to her coworkers while she's on the clock, and has been caught blasting rock music in her cubicle when she thinks the office is empty. Yet when the time comes for her to hitch up her backpack and head out, the work is always done and neatly stacked on her desk.

She loves to talk, about anything and everything, from the most serious of events in your life, to the silliest fluff that she found on the Internet. She knows all the answers in class and is usually the one to start all the discussions - she positively dominates her Spanish class, as long as she's had the right amount of caffeine. People marvel at how much she gets done - despite having multiple jobs and being over the limit for how many credit hours she's allowed to take in one semester, she always seems to have time to talk with her friends, work ten extra minutes, or explain the latest homework assignment. They're not sure if it comes from her ubiquitous jug of sweet tea or just her ebullient personality.

***

That doesn't sound much like me, does it?

No, it doesn't. And yet I tell you the truth: That is me, at least the "me" that most people know. That is the costume that I put on every morning when I walk out of the house, and step out of with relief as soon as I walk back in the door.

Someone asked me this week how I was able to have so many friends and be so well-liked by people, which I do seem to be; and after thinking about it, I realized what the answer had to be - because I act like a chatty, bubbly extrovert when I'm with them, talking my head off, using uptalk and vocal fry, and perpetuating my reputation as a geeky, endearingly childish, but hard-working and smart dork.

And then I wondered - what would happen to all of these friends if I decided to be my real self for a day?

What would happen if I started doing, making, and talking about the things that were really important to me, instead of covering myself up and pretending to be something I'm not? What if I went out one day and was the real me - quiet, sad, peaceful, artistic, and curious - instead of being loud and funny? What if I really admitted that I was feeling little and vulnerable and alone, instead of boisterously pretending that life was peachy?

I don't think most of my friends, chatty extroverts that they are, would probably want to be friends with me anymore. Compared to how sparkly and vivacious they all are, I seem very flat and misty gray.

 ***

It's very draining to pretend to be someone you're not all day. I was discussing recently with some INFP friends that when I don't get enough recharge time during the week - time to listen to sad music, to sleep, to walk outside, and to be quiet and serious for a while - then I become physically ill, with things like body aches and upset stomach, like I've had today. (I know that happens to lots of people; I'm not trying to do the INFP I'm-more-special-than-anyone-in-the-world thing!) This week has been especially difficult for me - it's been very productive and successful, but I've been spending many more hours than normal in my phony persona, and it's been taking its toll on my body and my mood. I look and feel awful.

As I spend more and more time with my friends and become more and more immersed in the world, I feel myself drifting further and further into a mist of lostness, like I'm just hanging onto the Lord with my fingertips. In denying my earthly personality, the way God made me, I am opening the door to also stifle my identity as a sanctified daughter of God. When I deny myself the chance to be quiet, then I deny myself the chance to pray; when I let myself get pulled by my friends into Benedict Cumberbatch and pop music and interpersonal drama, I let myself get pulled into distraction, fruitlessness, and wrong thoughts and actions.

I need to change. I need to be the way God made me, both in terms of my personality and in terms of my identity and my sanctification as a Christian. But do I dare get up tomorrow and be my real self? How can I, when everyone already knows me as the mouthy geek girl? What would happen if I let the veil fall away from my face for one day and let people see inside it? Would it be as awful as I think it would? Or could it possibly be the answer to all my problems?

Confusedly,
Vicki

Addicted?

Have any of you ever wondered if you might be actually addicted to the Internet? I don't mean in the casual use of the word; I mean like an actual addiction, something that messes up your life and takes away the best of your energy and time. Have any of you ever experienced anything like that?

I'm asking because it's 1:30AM on Sunday night - I should have been in bed long ago, getting rested and refreshed so I can get up early and be prepared for class tomorrow. Instead, I'm still up, cramming for an exam and trying to catch up on the huge pile of things I didn't do this weekend because I spent literal hours on Pinterest, watching YouTube videos, and playing on Facebook.

I have struggled with spending too much time on the Internet almost since I got my own laptop, five or six years ago. But this year in particular, I've noticed it getting much worse. I'm starting to miss assignments, turn in shoddy work, and spend late nights like this one, cramming, all because I've eaten up my best time on Facebook or watching yet another music video about the Reichenbach Fall.

I'm worried.

My first impulse when pondering the problem is to have my sister change all of my passwords and keep me off of everything for a couple of months until I learn to control myself; but I can't do that for my biggest black hole, Facebook, because one of my duties as an officer in my student organizations is to update the Facebook pages and communicate with other officers. I've tried to set time limits for myself, but they typically last about three hours (until my morning's classes are done and I have a half-hour break for lunch).

The other thing that worries me, and I'm going to confess this very humbly and honestly, is that I don't just
spend hours on Pinterest looking at crafty things and recipes. I'm looking at Josh Groban and Benedict Cumberbatch and Tom Hiddleston. Now, I'm a very prudish person, and I doubt that any of my starstruck fantasizings would ever meet anyone's standards for inappropriate; but it doesn't matter, because I'm still dedicating huge amounts of time and brainpower to unsaved men who have no idea I exist. My devotions typically last about 5-10 minutes in the evening. My YouTube reveries last hours.

So I'm really not sure what to do at this point. Ask someone to help me stay accountable on my time limits? Write out a schedule for my day and force myself to stick to it? I do pray for help, but when my mind is so full of fluff, my prayers usually come out pretty fluffy too. I feel like I spend every day nagging myself to get to work, get off the Internet, quit listening to that song, listen to something besides Josh Groban, don't daydream during exams, get off Pinterest during lecture ... it's very frustrating.

Father, I'm so sorry for how I've been wasting and abusing the time You've given me, such a precious gift. Please forgive me and show me how to break these bad habits so I can come back to full, intentional fellowship with You and be attuned to the world around me!

Confusedly,
Vicki

Please pray!!!

Friends, please head over to Katherine Sophia's blog at Seek Him First and say a quick prayer for her - she needs a miracle right away, and I know that God can work a mighty work in her life through her request!

Thanks so much!!
~ Vicki

Hello from Crazyland!

A little sketch I did a while back ...  :-)

Well, hello there, everybody (read: the 1.3 people who still check this blog occasionally)! I see that it's been several months since I've posted a real update on what's going on with my life ... I have no idea if you even care after this long, but just in case there's someone out there who does, I thought I'd drop in and tell you about some of the things that I'm up to!

Firstly, I want to say THANK YOU for all of the sweet comments I've received over the last couple of months - some of you I've thanked personally, some I haven't, some I've meant to thank and forgotten ... but I want you to know that I've read each and every one of them, and I'm going to try to do better at responding from here on out.

Today I'm on fall break, yay ... although it's been weird to have a day in which I didn't have to do anything, because the first six weeks of classes have been so full! I'm taking a full-time class load, still working several jobs, and being an officer in several student organizations. I'm preparing to give a speech completely in Spanish, give some crafting lessons to my friends, and organize a lecture series on campus; I've done late-night dissection labs in between thunderstorms, played in concerts, babysat, and learned a bunch of new and encouraging things by going to Bible studies with friends.

Yet, for all that, I will humbly confess that I have been much less productive and much more Internet-addicted than I have been in semesters past. Facebook in particular has been a huge black hole for me. I never believed in Internet addiction until I was woken up at 3AM by a thunderstorm a few weeks ago and automatically reached over to check Facebook - and stayed on it for half an hour. I've been working on trying to set up controls for myself, to only spend a certain amount of time online each day, but so far it hasn't been working well.  :-P

What has been working well is that I've been trying to take time to "reconnect" each day with things that I really love to do, things besides the Internet, like taking walks and sketching. This weekend my family and I took our first drive in many weeks, and I took some beautiful pictures and spent almost two hours writing in my journal. Here are a few of the photos I took:

Hmm, let's see, what else ... I read a lot of incredible books during the last few weeks before school started, including The Phantom of the Opera, Silas Marner, and Wuthering Heights. All of them were incredible, and I can't wait for Christmas break so I can go back and read some of them again! I've also been branching out a bit in my TV consumption, having watched the original Thor movie for the first time lately (didn't like it), and being wheedled, tempted, and encouraged by both real-life and online friends into checking out Doctor Who and the BBC Sherlock shows (do like those).

And I would say that that's pretty much all I can come up with at this hour of the night ... but it probably gives you an idea of why I haven't been blogging lately! I have probably seven or eight half-posts that I'm going to try to finish as soon as I can, but they're just more musings on stuff.  :-}

I hope you're all doing well! Please feel free to drop me a line and tell me what you've been up to - I've missed your sweet fellowship a lot over the last few weeks!!

Have a wonderful night and a great rest of the week! Sending big cyberhugs your way!

Lots of love,
Vicki