Reaching out of myself

"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. ... 
Let him who is not in community beware of being alone. ... 
Each by itself has profound perils and pitfalls. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and the one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation and despair." 
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

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I've been wallowing in the "abyss of vanity, self-infatuation and despair" for a really long time, and it's been really difficult to commit myself to crawling out of it and getting involved in church again. I've got a lot of emotional barriers that I've constructed over the years to avoid letting people into my heart and life - feelings of inferiority that make me bitter and defensive; also feelings of superiority (go figure) that make me bored and negligent. Laziness and unwillingness to get involved in new friendships, because I'm happy with the ones I've got. Difficulty stopping the unceasing rattling train wreck of thoughts in my scattered brain, making it hard to think of other people because I'm always dancing around the craziness inside myself.

I know it's really important to stay involved with our new church and to really start getting connected with people. But it's really hard to keep my narcissistic, introverted self from just going "meh."

I listened to this old Supertramp song tonight and it made me very thoughtful. The ways it applies to me are actually quite frighteningly accurate:

Right at the very end of the song, there is a bad word used as an adjective, but you can stop the song before hearing that and you won't miss anything important.

It's written from the other side - the singer is talking to the girl who won't let anyone in, and trying desperately to show her that the way to escape the cold loneliness and isolation that are making her old is not to have someone else come and find her and love her, like she thinks it is, but to reach out to other people and love them, and thereby open up her own heart. And as I listened to it, I realized that while the song was not written from a Scriptural perspective, the underlying concept is sound - it isn't through sitting inside ourselves and waiting to be loved that we find true fellowship and joy; it is through reaching out to others and bringing them joy, just as Jesus did.

Father, please help me to turn my attitude around, and to look around for people who need love and friendship and prayer, rather than sitting in my little corner and waiting for someone to come find me!!

Love,
Vicki

Still a Worthy Dream

Today was an interesting day.

After working hard at my office this morning, I came home to watch Dan and Nick in the afternoon. I helped them play Twister and Frisbee tag outside, wash their hair, set up blanket forts in the family room, pop popcorn, and put their pajamas on; then I made dinner in a hurry because it needed to be early today; and in the middle of all that, I baked brownies, kept the boys from disagreeing over blanket fort boundaries, tried to babysit the TV, and tried to keep loads of laundry going in the washer and loads of dirty dishes going in the dishwasher.

Whew.

Most of you, especially you married women and moms, probably read that with a blank expression and said, "Yeah? So? When do we get to the interesting part?"

The interesting part was when I finally collapsed onto a stool to rest my aching feet and realized that this is what my mom has been doing every single day. And so much more. For almost thirty years. Without complaining.

And it got more interesting; because the words that escaped my heart after a sigh of admiration and awe were, "This whole homemaking thing is just awful! Maybe I don't mind not being married after all!"

***

This worried me. I was genuinely worried that maybe I'm not cut out to be a wife and mother at all - maybe I'm still too selfish and immature. Even worse, I worried that I might get married anyway, and turn out to be a lousy housekeeper and a shrewish, selfish mother. (Yes, I've worried this before.) Maybe it would be better for me just to accept my fate as a single career woman, so I could live by myself in an apartment and not have to do all that homemaking stuff.

And then the Lord sent this article to me:

Your Wedding Is Still Something Worth Wanting

I can't tell you how encouraging this was. Because very often lately, my thoughts about marriage have been running just like the author describes in the first paragraph of the post:

"Maybe marriage isn't all that great after all.

"When divorce rates are high and the surviving marriages around us seem broken, messy, and unhappy — and there are plenty of other good things to keep us busy — lots of young men and women in their twenties and thirties have basically given up on marriage. With all the pain, failure, and friction, it simply can't be worth it, can it? Surely I can find other ways to enjoy love, companionship, and even the feeling of a family. That’s what Facebook is right? There are other ways for me to be known and loved, and marriage really isn't necessary for my happiness or significance here on earth."

You know those "YESSS!!!" moments when you find something that perfectly expresses your own thoughts or feelings about something? This was it. I've been really struggling to understand what is so great about marriage anyway; and then today's dawning realization that marriage also means letting yourself in for 40+ years of constant housework and babysitting mothering duties just compounded it.

But this article went on to really challenge my narrow, self-centered thinking. I'm not going to summarize it here because I badly want you to read it yourself (yes, even you married ladies, because I think it will still be very encouraging!); but the author's main point is to remind us that the ultimate goal of marriage is not to give us happiness, or even self-worth or identity. The ultimate goals of marriage are a) to bring glory to God through its modeling of His permanent, sacrificial love; b) to make two complementary believers into a powerful unit to reach out to a wider circle of people (read: Aquila and Priscilla); and c) to have children and raise up men and women to serve God and reach an even wider circle of people.

Ironically, placing the concept of marriage into this sanctified and spiritual realm actually lifted some of my burdens. If marriage is about "happiness" - romance and kisses and snuggles and all that stuff - then I'm in a bad way; because eventually (okay, sooner rather than later) my own strength to make someone happy is going to run out. But if this is a missional thing, a circumstance to bring us closer to God and to bring others closer to God, well then, that's much different; because that means that it's something God will specially empower me to do. He'll get me through the mountains of dirty laundry and the saltine crumbs in the carpet and the husband coming home and asking first thing when dinner will be ready (I rather shocked myself with the violence of my reaction to my poor brother who did that to me last week).

This post also reminded me that, despite the temptation to view it as one means among many for fulfilling my social needs, marriage is the only human relationship that was intentionally created and ordained by God. It is admittedly hard for me to understand, because I've never been initiated into the mystery of being in love; but I need to accept it on faith that even in our who-cares society, marriage is still sanctified and very special - and worth all of the hard work that goes into it.

That's the thing - right now, from the outside, all I see is the work and messiness of trying to mesh my self-centered life with some man's self-centered life; but if the Lord grants me to see the inside one day, I know that, because it is a relationship specially designed by God and mirroring His love for His people, it is going to be all right.

***

This post definitely provided me with some things to think about, and a timely call to bring my thinking back in line and value the things God values. I would highly encourage you to read it - and please drop me a comment with your thoughts/reactions!

Have a wonderful evening, my sisters!

Hugs,
Vicki

Celebrating Jane Porter

Okay, since I just finished watching Tarzan on this lovely Friday night, I'm going to geek out a bit.

I think that, out of all of the Disney heroines available to those of us who have by virtue of age found ourselves in mentorship and parenting roles, we do not pay nearly enough attention to Jane Porter from Tarzan. 

- Jane has no nasty rebellious attitudes. Jane and her father are probably one of the most adorable parent-child pairings in all Disney. They not only mutually depend on each other, but they have a great deal of friendship and respect for each other, too. When Jane first meets Tarzan and she is overcome with shock and curiosity, she doesn't sit on a rock and sing a solo about how her restrictive world has just burst open; she runs straight to her father and pours out her whole story, with all the enthusiasm of a trusting little girl. And speaking of trust, when Jane begins to feel attracted to Tarzan, she doesn't get all mopey and withdrawn like other Disney princesses do. She trusts her father enough to talk with him about it and seek his advice. He may not be the wisest or most sagely father in the world, but he loves her very much and does his best to encourage her and give what advice he can. Their relationship is definitely one that I wouldn't hesitate to let my daughters (or sons!) watch.

- Jane is content to let the protecting men in her life ... well, protect her. Jane never tries to evade her father's authority or strike out on her own. He is the one who is leading the research team, and she follows him. When he gives advice, she listens to it. Later, during the ending music sequence after she and Tarzan are (married? It's a bit ambiguous because they're living in a jungle devoid of any other humans besides her father), she lets Tarzan lead the way through the vine and branch pathways because he knows them much better than she does. She possesses a submissive spirit - she cheerfully accepts that her father and husband are bigger, stronger, and more experienced than she is, and she is willing to place herself under their protection.

- Nevertheless, Jane is courageous and energetically pursues her dreams. Jane is an artist and scientist, brave enough to travel alone with her father and another man to uncharted Victorian-era Africa. She doesn't mope around about how she doesn't fit in with the other girls or how she's never found true love - she doesn't have time! Until she meets Tarzan, her energy is focused on discovering wildlife, experiencing a new country, and enjoying and drawing the beautiful things she sees. She actually has much bigger goals than most of the other Disney princesses do - and by cheerfully accepting her role as a woman under the protection of her father and husband, she goes much farther in her life than the princesses who rebel and fight against their authority.

- Jane is mature, open-minded, and willing to learn about what's important to others. How many girls would be willing to take the time to get to know a dirty feral man in a loincloth and teach him, not things like to dance or to eat oatmeal correctly, but to speak? To walk upright? And not just to teach him concepts, which could be done with self-righteous condescension; but to take time to actually talk to him, learn from him, and explore his culture and lifestyle, which would be horrific to a proper Victorian lady but vitally important to him? It's easy to fall in love with a gorgeous Prince Eric or a brilliant Flynn Rider; but it takes a thoughtful, mature woman to fall in love with a Tarzan.

***

I know she's not a Disney princess, and Tarzan will never get as much attention as the more lucrative girl-oriented princess movies; but you can take Frozen and stick it in your icebox - if I had to choose one of the Disney women to be a model for my hypothetical daughters, she would be my choice any day!

***

Your geeky friend,
Vicki