Reinvented

I am alive.

I am so alive ... so full of plans and dreams. It's been such a wonderful year.

I have seen beautiful places.

I have met incredible people who have lit fires inside me.

And I am now learning how to keep those fires burning as they move on to the next part of their journeys.

I have done things I never dreamed I would.

I am asking questions I have never had to ask before - and I am being asked to answer questions that will define who I am for the next decade of my life.

I have met real journalists and real scholars who have encouraged me to keep running down the path of my dreams and to keep using the gifts and strengths that God has given me, and I am so excited to see where that path leads.

I am not the person I was a year ago.

Sometimes, I see things - places, people, journal entries - that remind me of the old bitterness, and it still hurts. But it doesn't hurt as much, and it doesn't hurt in the same way. Now I can see the part that I played in the failures that changed my life's course. I can see that I was unhealthily selfish, demanding, and unrealistic in my relationship with the man I thought I loved. Today, I'm not sure I ever loved him at all - I think I wanted him to be and do something for me that I couldn't do for myself.

I can see that what I thought were personal attacks and backstabbing by mentors I trusted was, in fact, a simple failure in communication - a misunderstanding by each of us of what the other needed to grow. I still get angry at the system that demands so many late nights and tears from its students, but I no longer blame the instructors. They were trying to teach me and guide me in the best way they knew how.

And today, I have teachers who understand me, who point out my (many!) weaknesses and shortcomings constructively, and who help me grow into the woman I should be.

I am a woman now. I am stronger, more ambitious, more curious, and more determined than I have ever been in my life.

I am asking God hard questions. I have had some pretty hard failures and fallen into some pretty serious sin-pits during the last year; but I have tried to look to Him in faith and trust Him to forgive me, to teach me, and above all, to continue loving me more deeply than I could ever imagine.

I ask the Holy Spirit to sustain my desire for His will and His glory above my own. I plead with God to work His will in my life whether I am happy and comfortable or not. I desire Him to shine through me, even when I don't understand what He is doing.

These are desires that will lead me into breathtaking depths where I have never gone before. I am terrified. But I am terribly excited.

***

I have not stopped writing over the last year, nor have I given up on my love of blogging - I've set it aside for a while to concentrate on classes and work, and also taken some of my former blogging time to use for other things, like working out. I've focused a lot this year on getting stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, by going to the gym, talking more with mentors online and in person, and boosting my prayer life. Some of my ongoing challenges are making myself start going to church (the perennial struggle, grr), spending more time in the Word, learning how to set boundaries in personal relationships, and taking better care of myself in the areas of food and sleep.

I think I've mentioned it before, but I am an active member of the NerdFitness online community, and I have not only been microblogging there for the last year, but I also post more regular daily updates and goal progress - you are more than welcome to come check me out there and enjoy some pretty good stories, if I may say so.  :-)  My latest installment is just getting started, and there are links to previous chapters in my signature line.

And last month, I created a Wordpress blog that I am working on getting online ... no promises that I will keep it up regularly, but once it's up and I think I will actually keep it up, I will post the link here.  :-) 

***

I miss you guys terribly and I hope to be back in touch soon ... also, if it helps, I have not been one of those evil bloggers who comes back from a year-long absence with a husband and a cross-country move and a new hair color!  ;-)  I'm still the same me, living in the same apartment, going to the same school and still quite single!

I hope to be back in touch with more concrete updates before classes start in a few weeks - I realize that I said essentially nothing in this post, so I will try not to leave you hanging!!

All my love,

Vicki

loss, then discovery

There is a pattern throughout literature that more closely resembles real life than we sometimes realize, and that is the pattern of "loss, then discovery".

Every rags-to-riches story begins this way. The hero or heroine loses something terribly precious - often a family member or other loved one, sometimes a home or a job, sometimes a dream. Whatever it may be, the Lukes and Annes and Jos and Janes are hit with a terrible loss that shakes them to their core ... and then, something beautiful and mighty softly flows into their open, defenseless hands.

A dusty old lightsaber hits a work-worn palm. A new love springs from the ashes of death. A fresh dream is softly planted by a gentle word. The morning of hope, as our Father foretold, follows the darkness of night.

***

A day still does not go by that I don't feel the bitter pain of my messy separation from my clinical graduate program. I don't know why it continues to hurt or when it will go away, but I suspect my fellow INFP friend was right when she said it was because I've never lost anything before. I've never had a close family member die, never been rejected, and certainly never poured so much of myself into something that would end in failure.

But you see ... that day that I hid under the stairwell and wept for two hours? That only felt like the end. Just like my favorite literary characters, I was really just being dragged into the place where my story could finally begin.

***

I spent most of the summer regaining my bearings. My job started as a safe place to land for a while - the old editor was a good friend of mine; the new editor is a peaceful, ambling man who puts no pressure on me; and some of the oldest employees there have known me since I was born. I thought I was protecting myself from the inevitable pain of the past and the future - yes, I had another graduate program as my upcoming destination, but for the summer, I was going to hide behind my big desk and quietly write nice little articles for nice little publications.

Well, that plan started to fall through when my new editor somehow started believing that I was a really, really gifted writer. As in, good enough that he said so to my face, to my older team members, and finally to the department head herself. My little articles gave way to bigger articles, then stories for small magazines, then out-of-town multimedia assignments.

My shattered self-confidence didn't know what to expect from any of this; but to my surprise, I not only handled it easily, but I kept getting better. I have gone from meekly penning informational releases, to crafting feature stories with flair and even humor. Next week, I will be the official media coordinator for my first statewide event.

My editor was my mentor, pushing a lightsaber into my hands and telling me to let the Force flow through me ... and somehow, I did.

***

And would you believe that this is all still just backstory?

The biggest breakthrough of all happened just after John and Heather and I moved. I was in a terrible haze of anxiety and nerves and didn't know up from down; and one day, my mom said, "Have you ever considered transferring to study in the department where you're working?"

I think I mumbled "No, not really".

She said, "Well, why don't you? Consider it, I mean. Meet with the graduate coordinator next week and just talk to him."

"About what?" I asked.

"Writing, you goof," she replied.

So I did. I went and talked to him about writing ... for two hours. Then we talked again, about educational writing. And then we talked again about Star Trek and Irish pubs and nontraditional education (homeschooling!) and theories of communication and how to use words to change people's lives.

"Please apply," he said. "You need to be here. You need to be with us so we can help you and support you. Please, please apply. We want you. I want you."

So I'm applying.

I, the scatterbrained failure, the old child who can't find a place for herself, am going to research better ways to get informational articles and materials to people who need them. I'm going to write. I'm going to take journalism classes. I'm going to keep reading and learning from the great communicators and storytellers around me. I'm going to take this incredible gift - this gift of writing that I've carried nonchalantly around on my hip all these years - and finally, truly learn how to use it, how to become a powerful communicator who can help get knowledge to people who need it.

***

I don't know what the next step will be - I haven't the faintest idea what God has in store. But for now, I'm just content to know that He isn't finished with me yet!

My biggest ongoing challenge is to not be so engrossed in self-discovery that I neglect God's teaching and wisdom. Everything has happened so fast and surprised me so much that I spend a lot of time staring at my published articles or my face on the department website and marveling that I could find myself in such a place; but I need to keep looking forward, not get stuck looking around or inward.

The past continues to be a stumbling block for me, too. I still have a great deal of bitterness festering in my heart that I'm not sure how to get rid of. But I know I have to get it rooted out now, so it doesn't taint the excitement and hard work of the next chapter of my story.

The solution, of course, to stop looking in the wrong places is to look in the right place - toward the Word of God and toward seeking His face. I desperately want His blessing and His working in every second of the upcoming years, but I need to reflect that desire in my prayer life and devotions. I pray that He would increase my desire to know who He wants me to be, and especially Who He is.

***

I pray that the Lord would sharpen me into a vessel of His grace, and that He would write in my life a story of hope that will inspire others to keep trusting Him and not give up on His loving plan!!

What about you? Has God been creating any surprises in your life? Tell me about them so I can rejoice with you!!

~ Vicki

uprooted

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to meet my new baby, Legolas.

Legolas is an unidentified species of green plant that I bought the other day, and he has proudly and officially become the guardian of my new home. He is quite the handsome gentleman and performs his job admirably.

And the real news, of course, is that I have moved.  :-)  For a week and a half, I have successfully adulted in my very own apartment and I love, love, love it.

It was very difficult at first - easily the hardest transition I've ever made. I am very thankful that John and Heather moved with me and we're all living together; because for the first few nights, I don't know if I would have eaten or changed clothes or done any self-care at all. I have never felt so foundationless and primally disturbed. It was like my entire self had somehow fallen out of the bottom of one of my boxes and disappeared. I would come home from work and just wander - pick things up and put them back down, go into the kitchen, leave the kitchen, go to clean things up in my room but wander back out again - always burdened by an eerie feeling that I needed to do something, but never quite sure what I needed to do - and certainly not able to finish anything I started.

But ... I'm better now.  :-)

***

Things are much quieter and more relaxed with just the three of us. Much less stuff, currently much less work. Laundry is a problem - the machines in our building are incredibly expensive and ridiculously slow, so last week we got so behind that we had to haul our overstuffed hamper back to Mom and Dad's and use their machines. We have since acquired some drying racks, and I'm going to do a load or two tonight so I don't get so behind again.

My favorite thing about the move so far is very small - I like being able to sit with the patio door open for a few hours every evening while the sun goes down, without upsetting anyone's allergies. I know, so prosaic! But fresh air and sunshine have always been really important to my mental health, and I could never leave the windows open for long at home because my family has such bad allergies. It has done wonders for my spirit to be able to welcome the evening into my home.

***

There is a lot going on in my life right now, so much that I'm not sure how to summarize it ... I'm afraid I've done much too much self-reflection lately and not enough seeking God's face and God's will, so I'm not seeing things in the perspective I ought, either.

Basically, when I uprooted myself from my home, it seems that God was quietly and dramatically uprooting some other things, too - my educational plans, my career plans, and the way I see myself as a person. I'm going to talk about it all in another post soon, but the gist of it is that I'm trying to courageously use the talents God has given me, while avoiding the opposing pitfalls of paralyzing fear and self-obsession. It's a very delicate balance, and the path ahead is incredibly murky; but I know that my Father is holding my hand, and that He knows where He is taking me. And regardless of what my emotions tell me, I know that's all I need to know.

***

What about you? Are you being uprooted in any areas lately? How are you handling the aftermath - can you see yet what's being planted?

(Also, I love you and I've missed you during my absence!!)

~ Vicki

snippets of real life

It's another cool, rainy Independence Day in my part of the Midwest, and I am relaxing in the softest of workout clothes with my cold feet propped up on one of the bins that is packed and ready to move to my new apartment.

Not that I'm ready, of course - quite the opposite. I am one month away from the big day, and realizing with terror that, in addition to calling banks and Internet companies to notify them of my new address, I need to hurry up and get my life's possessions into some semblance of order so I can drag them into my dad's truck and lug them up the stairs of my new home. I need to start mapping out my floor plan so I can see what other furniture I need besides a futon, a bed, and some chairs. And I need to make those all-important budgeting, cleaning, laundry, and cooking plans so I don't wake up one morning and realize that life has gone to seed in my mental absence.

One of my (much, much younger) friends grinned at me all through that litany of worries, and when I asked what was funny, he laughed and said "Now, look at you being all grown up!"

Funny words coming from a virtual child, but he's right.  :-)  I have a lot on my mind lately - besides moving, I want to celebrate my 15-pound weight loss by learning to lift weights and eat more healthfully. I joined the email list of NerdFitness.com this week, and I'm going to call the gym tomorrow and get a consultation with a personal trainer to help me start properly. I look slimmer on the outside, but I'd love to improve my strength and energy levels on the inside, too.

Spiritually, I have two areas that I need to work on right now ... the first is continuing to heal from my anger and bitterness over what happened during the school year. I was feeling low yesterday and started to throw a pity party about it again, but was quickly cut short by a "Vicki? Get over it. It's over, it's done with, no one cares anymore. You need to grow up and suck it up and move on. Get your head in the present." I was shocked and initially hurt; but I realized that she was right. There is a season for healing, but just as with a sprain or scar tissue, it's important to keep exercising and moving while I heal, not just sit and mope and expect to get better. So I'm trying hard to embrace my new direction and only think about last year when I have to, and then dwell on the positive parts, not the negatives.

My other spiritual task is to simply remember how much God loves me, and to remember that I love Him. This sounds simplistic; but after spending time recently with a dear friend who simply radiates and showers the peaceful love of God everywhere she goes, it made me take a hard look at my own shadowy heart and realize that I have been falling back on relating to Him through fear and shame, not love. In time, journeying back to peace must include greater self-discipline in guarding my devotion time and spending more time in prayer; but for now, I'm trying to let go of the guilty weight that says "you're not good enough" and respond with a breath of "you're right, I'm not - but He is, and He loves me and has chosen me".

And lastly, you may have noticed (*ahem* or they may not, you self-absorbed thing) that I removed several of my more personal posts regarding the guy friend. This is part of the moving-on process, too. I miss him and think of him every day; but standing and hanging wistfully over my balcony with baited breath will not bring him back. It's time for me to accept that if he wants to be part of my life, he will make an effort to do so - he knows he is more than welcome. But I can't keep looking back over my shoulder and wondering if he's coming or not. Life is too short to keep going back and reading a closed chapter over and over - I need to focus on writing this one carefully, prayerfully, and with all my heart; and I can't do that if I'm living in the dreams of the past.

***

I have a busy second half of the summer ahead of me, as you can see - and I haven't even mentioned the other everyday things like work, shopping, new babies, weddings, and travel! Lots of things are changing quickly and it's hard to keep up at times, and I'm definitely noticing the effects and aftereffects of stress on my body; but the changes are toward better days and I am excited for what the fall semester will hold.

What's changing in your life these days? Are you riding the waves and catching some sun ... or flailing underneath your overturned surfboard ... or like me, clinging to the board for dear life as the waves smash over my head?  :-)

Hugs and love and lots of summer sunshine and cookouts and fireflies to you, my dears!!

~ Vicki

life is {often} beautiful

{{mom's glorious roses!!}}

Today was my fourth day without feeling anxious or fretful, and it has been glorious.

I woke up on Monday after another fretful night of restless dreams, and my first thought, as always, was of the guy friend and what lies ahead for us - followed shortly afterward with weary thoughts about work and nervous thoughts about the research projects that are coming up quickly. I thought of my friend who had just lost her baby, another whose son just left the NICU, a friend who is very ill and could die. The elections are weird, the news is depressing, life is heavy and exhausting. For weeks, my mind has been closed down with a dark fog of fear, worry, obsessive thinking, and dragging depression - as has, sadly, been quite evident in my blogging.

But Monday afternoon, I picked up a biography of J.R.R. Tolkien, and lost myself in his rich descriptions of war, Christianity, mythology, and the great spiritual battle of the universe; and when I emerged, the fog had cleared and my pounding heart had calmed.

I am a dreamer, a wielder of imagination; and I want to use my power for brightness and holiness, not darkness and fear. I want to be like Tolkien - clear-sighted and realistic, but remembering that ultimate victory is assured and Light will finally win out over darkness; and for that reason, I should always have hope.

***

Work is going beautifully. They think I hung the moon, and I'm not arguing.

The research project may not even happen, if all goes as I hope.

The guy friend and I are still talking occasionally. Audacious, stupid hope still blooms alongside the deep-rooted certainty that all will be well no matter what happens.

The precious baby whom my friend thought she had lost? He LIVES by God's grace and his life-journey is just beginning.

The little guy who just left the NICU is hearty and growing and nursing.

The friend who could die walked from the hospital to his own car this afternoon.

***

Things can and do go badly and our wishes can be crushed, certainly. People and dreams do die. And the fog and weight of anxiety and depression can cloud and pull down the best of us no matter how hopeful we may be inside.

But sometimes it's easy to feel like God's will is this inexorable, iron machine that is going to march forward and crush our wishes and hopes underneath it unless we make sure we're marching in its direction. And that's not a truthful picture of how our God works. His will is ultimately inexorable, but He is no heartless tank driver; He is our loving Father who leads, carries, or lovingly drags us along the path toward being changed into the image of His Son. He knows that we are fragile, frightened, and terribly limited in what we can understand; but He doesn't roll His eyes in frustration and shove us forward along the rocks, He puts His arms underneath us and helps us walk, and soothes our fears with the promise that He will get us home safely.

Father, I'm sorry for helping to dig myself into a pit of fear and not turning my eyes upward to You - thank You for freeing me from the darkness, and thank You that You will do so when I fall in again, and again, and again. Thank you for the sunshine and hope that You have set before each of us, and thank You for winning the victory over darkness and sin!

re{fresh}ed

We all know that quote about salt water being the cure for everything, but I think fresh water can do a pretty good job too.

This weekend, my family and I went to our nearest Great Lake and spent three hours just being. Walking along the shore, running up hills until we could barely move, photographing everything that didn't move (and lots that did), letting ourselves get windblown and sandy and wet and not even caring.

It was so wonderful to turn off the phone, let go of everything and just be myself. There was no one who cared what I looked like, no one I had to impress. I explored with my senses - how often does an NF allow herself to do that? I ran in circles like a child, squealed when the waves hit me, did Titanic poses at the edge of the water, fished out rocks with my little brothers and threw them back.

So many, many days at a time are spent all bottled up and buttoned down, carefully acting on our best behavior and trying to put our best face forward. But sometimes, we need to free ourselves to enjoy the world that God created and rejoice in the lavish beauty He has surrounded us with, and only worry about enjoying Him.

So I did this weekend. I didn't worry about my fight with the guy friend, or going back to work the next day, or whether I'm going to be able to afford moving out. I just grabbed my camera and existed.

He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

He restores my soul ...

Psalm 23:2-3a

growing up

The semester is winding down. Only the gigantic year-ending cumulative first year exam stands between me and summer vacation.

It feels so strange to be closing this chapter full of so many new beginnings. Some of them are falling like dead seeds into the ground, dormant for now, but I am confident that they will yield beautiful vegetation and shade trees and fruit one day. Some of them are still alive, fragile seedlings growing hope in the charred and dark places of my scorched heart. I don't know yet which of these tiny hope-plants will survive and thrive, and which are bound to wither away - their time and mine are in God's gentle, mighty hands. And some of them were planted just recently and they're growing strongly, bright healthy plants that promise a harvest of bountiful blessings sooner than I think.

***

This summer, I will be returning to my old writing job to take over some projects in need of a skilled hand - I hope and am determined to be that skilled hand. I'm going to see about getting involved in the music ministry at my new church - I would be thrilled to get to serve the Lord with music again!! - and finally, finally, after 10 years, get my driver's license. I'm going to keep practicing photography and looking for new ways to serve the Lord and other people through it - I was genuinely surprised how many people I've had the chance to help and bless with my new camera this semester. I'm going to wear beautiful dresses, and put a touch of pink or mauve color in my hair, and above all, I'm going to celebrate the new things that God is doing in me and through me.

***

I'm also going to be moving - for the first time, I will be moving into my own apartment! Everything has fallen perfectly into place; I know that God's timing is finally right, and I'm terribly excited - there is a dear crabapple tree that hangs its pretty branches over my balcony, and my room has a gigantic window that I can drape with romantic white curtains, and I can build bookshelves and nooks for knickknacks and have friends over for tea and old movies. I can't wait to start learning about hospitality - and the less glamorous, but equally important, joy of daily homemaking.

***

The guy friend and I have been seeing a lot of each other lately - at his request, surprisingly. I love being with him, and every time he chooses me and asks to spend time with me, I feel like I could fly to the moon. His presence in my life is definitely a catalyst for several different hard, important lessons that I'm learning - that no courtship article or marriage book has it all figured out when it comes to messy relationships between multi-dimensional people; that loving someone despite their flaws and struggles is a very Christlike thing to do, not something to be ashamed of; and most importantly, that God loves to give good gifts to us and wants us to have joyful, abundant lives, so I shouldn't be afraid to bring my requests to Him or think that He's going to slap my wrist and rebuke me for wanting a blessing. He doesn't want me to drag around feeling anxious and guilty all the time, and He certainly doesn't want "trusting Him" to look like apathetic acceptance that nothing I want will ever work out. Even if He lovingly says no and fills me with joy from a different source, He wants me to come before Him in love as a cherished daughter, and boldly ask for this hard, challenging, beautiful responsibility.

So following the example of my dear friends who are submissively but expectantly praying for other blessings in their lives - new jobs, new babies, new places - I am going to ask the Holy Spirit to guide me in two areas: Firstly, in cultivating a submissive, accepting spirit in me that authentically seeks God's glory and approval, and doesn't rebel at the thought of not getting my way; but secondly, in fearlessly watering the hope in my heart, disregarding the risk of pain, and preparing myself to be the best girlfriend I can be in case God's answer is "yes." I have no idea how one does that; but I'm starting by praying for the guy friend every day, and simultaneously trying to do better at respecting his introvert-recharge time and personal space.

***

I'm growing up, friends ... I know, it's about time (*grimace*); but it feels really good and really scary to be transitioning into decisions and opportunities that will affect other people and maybe even future generations, not just myself. It's terrifying to stand before God and ask Him if this fallen, broken, wonderful man is the one He has chosen for me. It's terrifying to think about shopping for my very own kitchen appliances and groceries and toilet-fixing gadgets. It's terrifying to see the bright excitement of the new Master's program I'm going into and wonder what hard and incredibly important service awaits me there.

But it's also beautiful. 

Tonight, I'm going to go review my notes on hearing aid algorithms and acoustic reflexes, and get myself to bed early, so I can go into that classroom tomorrow and show all those professors who didn't believe in me how much I really learned. (Or, alternatively, fail the exam bombastically and finish out my glorious failure in an appropriately dramatic burst of flaming wreckage.)

And tomorrow? Another chapter of my life-book will close, and I will step out into a brand-new one.

I may dash away a few tears, but even so, I can hardly wait.

{re: change}

I wonder how I'm going to feel in the future when I look back on the 2015-16 school year?

Right now, it feels like I have never truly lived before this year. I am honestly amazed when I step back and look at the sheer number and amount of experiences and emotions that have pounded over me and soaked me to the skin.

I have experienced physical exhaustion to the point of near-fainting and emotional exhaustion to the level of sobbing uncontrollably for three hours.  

I have thrown every iota of mental, physical, and emotional strength into something and seen it end in defeat - then I have seen hope be reborn and the Holy Spirit lift my eyes to look toward new horizons.  

I have uncovered unfairness and untruth and been their victim, and from that experience gained a desire to stand up for other students who are coming behind me.

I have discovered the strength that lies in the unchanging love of friends, and I am learning that even that strength is utterly frail and helpless compared to the ever-present love of my Father God.  

I have dared to fall in love, and felt the jagged pain of rejection cutting my heart and soul - but I have planted seeds of hope in the wounded places and watched them continue to grow, fragile and sweet and ridiculously audacious.

Defeat and hope, courage met with obstacles, injustices discovered. It's been quite a year.

***

At the advice of my mentors, and after many painful meetings and long nights of weeping, I have decided to leave my clinical program of study after this semester and move to a Master's degree program focused on health education and support. Admitting failure and letting go of my dreams and plans has been one of the most painful experiences of my life, and it will take me a long time to recover from the emotional damage of the decision and the semester in general; but God has moved in every stage of the process, and I am firmly convinced that this is His leading. There is no doubt in my mind that this is all Him, and that I am doing the right thing. Despite the sadness of failure, I am excited to see what He has planned and where He will take me next year.

This year has also been the year of my first real, complicated relationship with a man about whom I have dared to use the word love. He has cared for my heart so gently through the pain of this semester, driven me home after midnight, lifted my spirits with food and stories, carefully protected my confided thoughts, and rewarded me with the gift of his trust, his tears, and his hopes. We are a beautiful team. He calls me his confidante, his counselor, his kind and good friend ... yet for all this, he still says he does not love me in the same way that I love him. Every time he catches my eye and smiles, my heart leaps; and every time he waves and drives away, it sinks with frustration and pain.

I continue to hope. It may be futile, this tiny flower in my heart may be trampled back down again; but I continue to hope and pray. And even though I don't know what the outcome of this will be, just like the situation with school, I can say that the things I have learned through our friendship will outlast the pain, regardless of what the future holds.

***

I am a different person today than I was in August. I am no longer arrogantly enamored with my own sweetness and intelligence. I have failed, I have been the "stupid one", I have wounded others, and I have been wounded. I have learned about the depths of my own sinfulness. I have lost ten pounds and am thinking about getting my first tattoo.

I am not the same person that I was before this year.

But.

God is still the same God that He was before this year.

He has pursued my soul in a visible, vibrant, astounding way this year. He has met my collapsing soul with truth in the night when I was too weak to reach for it myself. He has nourished my soul through unexpected people and given me peace and rest in places I never would have looked for it.

I love Him. Oh, so imperfectly, so inconsistently, so unworthily of His majestic grace and all-powerful mercy; but I love Him and I am truly delighted in following Him. He is everything that I need, and even as I pick myself up and stumble away from the wreckage of my failures and broken dreams, I know that I am leaving nothing behind, compared to the glory that lies ahead in getting to know Him better, and in letting Him make me the comforting person for others that others have been for me.

Jesus Christ, the same yesterday, and today, and forever.

Amen.

In the crossroads, in the fog

I am really struggling badly this week ... I feel like everything in my life is changing all at once, and the harder I try to hang onto the Lord and trust Him for peace and rest, the higher the waves of anxiety and fear and panic crash against me and threaten to throw me over the edge.

I've started this blog post at least eight or nine times and keep choking on it and deleting it. I can't seem to describe everything that's going on - viewed from the outside, it all looks good and quite manageable, things like visiting a new church, applying to a new program, and building relationships with new friends; but felt from the inside, I feel like a raging hurricane of violent emotions wrestled and squeezed into a very small, very weak, very scared little body.

People are noticing and privately texting me to ask if I'm okay. I say yes, I'm okay. But am I?

No. I'm not okay. Not really.

I'm scared. There is so much hanging in the balance based on what I do about these three huge choices facing me. I know that God is in control of my future; I keep running back to His promises to guide my steps and make my paths straight; in my heart, I know that He is guiding today's decisions just as He has so gently guided my stumbling footsteps in the past. But my heart is not speaking to my feelings right now. They are frantic, panicked, out of control.

What if I mess up? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make the wrong move and permanently mess up my life?

There is no way to know.

That's the hard part. If I could look at each of these decisions and say, "If I decide to do A, then B will happen; and if I decide to do X, then Y will happen", then everything would be easy. I could look at the two outcomes, decide which one would be most conducive to God's glory and my happiness, and make a choice. But I don't get to see that. I am standing at a crossroads with a heavy fog hanging over both paths, and I have to make my choices based on what I think, expect, and hope lies within that fog.

***

The one thing I know: GOD IS THERE. God is within the fog. God is within the fog; He is within the hurricane; He is within the sunshine that lies on the other side of the cloud and within the fog that hangs over the next crossroads, and the next. God is there. God knows what lies down each path.

I have faced decisions like these before; I have been terrified like this before. Every time, I made what I thought was the very best decision, based on Scripture and the guidance of my parents and counselors, and every time He worked through my choice. Have I messed up? Oh, yes, I certainly have! But I survived! I learned! I learned things about God and about myself that I wouldn't have learned the same way if I had chosen a different path - because God directs my steps and even if I make a "wrong turn," He has a lesson waiting there to make me stronger and draw me deeper into His arms.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, and of power, and of a sound mind. No matter what my feelings say, I need to believe that I can trust Him to lead me through the decisions; through the sad partings and shy beginnings; and yes, even through the mistakes and bad choices that I know I'm going to make. He already has those accounted for in His plan for my life, they will not surprise Him, and He will pick me up and hug me close and gently set me down on the right path again.

And who knows? Maybe I'll make the right choices.  :-)

My First Semester (according to Frozen)

Hi!!! Hi hi hi! It's been such a very long time since I was on here, and my first semester of graduate school is in the books. So many of you prayed for me, thought about me, and left me encouraging comments over the course of those first 16 weeks; and I want to genuinely thank you - without your love and support, and the support of my family and friends, I genuinely do not know if I would have made it through this semester.

Because you were so kind as to care about what I was going through during this fall and early winter, I wanted to catch you up on a few of the things that happened while I was gone ... I started pouring out my tale of woe and wonder via a traditional post earlier today, but it just got wayyy too long. So, I had the brilliant inspiration to copy imitate the lovely Katherine Sophia and tell you the story of my semester in GIFs. Frozen GIFs, to be precise.

Here's the sneak preview:

***

The first week, everything was miraculous. It was so exciting to be cracking open gigantic textbooks about neuroanatomy, psychoacoustics, and clinical practice - to watch crowds of undergraduate students melt in my path and to have professors talk to me like a real adult. I was a little nervous about moving from the comfort of a full-time job back into the weekly changeableness and stress of classes again, but I loved grad school and I loved being a graduate student.

I think this slightly manufactured delight at my ascension to the halls of academia lasted about two weeks. Two weeks into the semester, things were getting harder and the outside world was seeming farther away than before. I started wanting to escape. 

But everyone else around me seemed happy, so I pushed aside those thoughts and settled in to focus and dedicate myself to my studies.

Except for a niggling feeling of impending doom or future imprisonment in the back of my head, everything was great after that, and I felt really good about life and study and clinic. My classmates and I got along well, I became very attached to my major professor, and my first graded assignments appeared promising. I was feeling optimistic.

Then I saw my neuroanatomy midterm and knew I was in a really, really bad pickle. 

Long story short (and as previously recounted), I failed it. I was the only one in my class. My professor didn't even put a number grade on it - he just basically said "sorry, I got nothing". I have never experienced panic and despair like that in my life. 

My classmates and me when we saw our grades (I'm Elsa).

Two weeks of self-loathing followed. Have you ever experienced that sad, concerned look in a parental figure's eyes when they are terribly disappointed in you and they ask "what happened?" That was the face my professor made when I came to his office after the test. Stricken. Horrified. Worried.

I studied a lot and re-took the test. This time I got a C-. I said "Meh, okay" and moved on after that.

For a while, things were better. I had a painful pep talk with my advisor who helped me analyze what had gone wrong, and helped me develop study plans to be better prepared for the next round of exams. I started realizing that I needed to study hard and really narrow down my focus if I wanted to be successful in grad school; so I did. I quit leaving my building. I slept less and ate less, and read more, wrote more, listened harder, and learned how to really study. I got to know my classmates better and started spending time with them, talking about lessons and assignments as well as learning about how they approached life and school. I thought that the low point was past and things were looking up.

But in fact, I hadn't hit the lowest point yet at all.

They say "bad news comes in threes"; and the lowest point of my semester was the day when a good friend of mine texted in desperation because of some devastating medical news she had just received, and less than 20 minutes later, my professor emailed to let me know that I had miserably failed another assignment and I needed to come meet with multiple professors to try to find the critical flaw in my thinking and study processes. Because of spending my evening counseling and looking up resources for my friend, I turned in my next day's assignment several hours late, and got an email back noting that lateness was becoming a habit with me and she was concerned about my time management skills.

If you Google the symptoms of a nervous breakdown, that was me - feeling detached from reality, emotional numbness, anxiety, obsessive thinking, debilitating fatigue. I went through the motions, even celebrated my birthday at my favorite restaurant with my classmates, and no one knew how close I was to completely losing it. But I was very close. After that horrible meeting with the director of the graduate program and the director of the university clinic, I barely made it back into the lab before collapsing and sobbing harder and more painfully than I had in a very long time.

God brought me healing that weekend by reminding me that it wasn't my grades that made me special to Him - my poor study habits, my difficulty asking for help, my ineptitude for neuroanatomy - all of these fell under the "any other creature" item in the list of things that do NOT come between me and His love. Nothing good about me makes Him love me more, and none of my flaws or sin-struggles make me any less dear to His heart. He loves me because I am His, because I have thrown myself into His arms and trusted Him to rescue me from sin. 

The massive weight of failure and inadequacy rolled off my shoulders. Nervous breakdown avoided.

My grades gradually improved over the next couple of weeks and plateaued at a "not great but borderline acceptable" level. Finals week was the first time I spent 6, 7, and 8 hours at a time doing nothing but studying. I shut out the world, sleep, and food as I wrote final papers and aggressively attacked exams. I've never devoted my whole self to my schoolwork for such a long time before, and I have to say, I'm pretty excited to know that I can do it.

And then, suddenly, they were done.

I had survived.

And now I look like this:

And this:

***

So now it's break, and now the self-evaluation, taking stock, planning ahead, and trying to get rid of my lingering eye twitch begins. There's a lot going on in my head right now ... do I even fit in this field? Am I made for something easier / more artistic? Or do I need to practice more discipline and self-denial and focus on bracing myself for the next semester?

Because as well, in between spells of planning my future, I'm also going to relax and refresh my mind, heart, and spirit so that I'm ready for whatever comes next.

Because whatever it is ... is probably going to look a lot like  ^  that.

***

And I will post about my family's Christmas festivities very soon! I hope you had a wonderful, blessed, joyful Christmas, dear friends!

Lots of love,

Vicki

Becoming

Current Goals:

To learn to truly and purely love others, 

without the impure stain of self-congratulation and self-admiration.


To understand just how sinful I am,
So that I can better see how glorious our God is,
and how badly I need Him.

To learn to accept failure and disappointment,

without darkly groaning about how much I deserve it 

(and, of course, hoping someone will comfort me and tell me how wrong I am).

To learn to accept setbacks without breaking and melting down -

or, to truly accept God's will for me, even when it looks different than I hope.

To learn to speak the truth in love,

to realize that I can't always be "nice,"

to be willing to make enemies.

To learn to bring my worries and fears to God and trust Him for comfort,

not run to my friends or even family, and expect them to fill my needs.

To learn to keep my mind and my effort focused on the task in front of me,

not to escape to leisure and rest as soon as I can manage it,

but to complete my tasks strongly and thoroughly.

and,

To learn to be true to myself:

to be quiet when I need space to think;

to control my responses and actions, not let circumstances whirl me along;

to bravely use silence to plan my words and thoughts;

to be willing to be

compassionately different,

refreshingly weird, and

comfortingly normal.

*^*^*

What are your current goals? Who are you trying to become?

Quiet

It's finally Saturday.

I'm relaxing in my mom's warm kitchen, listening to conversations about economics, and childish squeals from the other end of the house, with Christy Moore's soothing voice drifting out of my laptop speakers. I have no makeup on, and my hair is delightfully wrapped up tightly and out of my face. The caramel coffee is warm and delicious against the silvery bone-chilling drizzle outside.

Today is a quiet day.

***

I retook my failed exam this week, and got back surprisingly good grades on another exam. I got more unsatisfactory grades, too, but also got a chance to redo an assignment I wasn't happy with.

My hands-on training labs are all done for the semester - from here on out, I'll be practicing on real patients in the clinic. I really enjoy my clinic days! It's so interesting to meet new people every week and help solve the puzzle of why they aren't hearing the way they should, and especially to show care and love to them as I talk to them about their problems and what they can do to hear better again.

I ate delicious food, laughed, cried, and said goodbye to a new friend last night, and look forward to being reunited at Christmas ... but on the happy side, I'm excited to introduce my international friend to Thanksgiving and Christmas for the first time, and am busy dreaming up ways to make the holiday season extra special - and ways to gently begin introducing my friend to Jesus.

The long hours of the last few weeks are taking their toll on my tired, out-of-shape body - today I am resting, catching up with friends and blogs, and eating honey and yogurt to help fight off a possible low-grade infection.

And I've been watching children's Bible shows with Dan and Nick, and trying not to let people see me cry ... sometimes, in all of the complicated adult responsibilities and faith issues that we study (how to grow a marriage, honoring God with finances, building churches and businesses), we sometimes forget that Jesus still wants to gather us into His arms like little children and let us rest our heads on His shoulder. Seeing His love illustrated on children's shows reminds me how precious I am to Him in a way that almost nothing else does. Hence, I watch Jesus forgive Zaccheus and heal Bartimaeus, and I weep.

***

How are you experiencing Christ's love today? Through pretty pumpkins and simple stories, like me? Or through something different?

Warm, cinnamony hugs to you!!
Vicki

Weekend

I had such a simply wonderful weekend! I got to take some time away from classes and remember other things that I love to do and be, like photographing the pretty weeds and lichens in the backyard, reading about my Scottish ancestors, watching lame movies, and listening to incredible a cappella music:




A dear friend and my grandmother encouraged me this weekend to remember to lean more heavily on the Lord during this difficult time of adjustment and soul-searching. My grandmother gave me a beautiful prayer journal that she wants me to doodle in (not write; I don't have many words left by the end of the day - just doodle) every night during my devotion time, and I'm eager to see if it helps me remember and hold onto what I read a little better. It didn't work last night because I waited to start my devotions until very late, and was busy trying not to fall asleep and topple headfirst off the bed; but it's early yet tonight, so we'll see if I can focus a bit better.  :-)

Oh yes, and I spent a lot of time researching patterns and history for my very first upcoming French and Indian War reenactment puttering with some other hobbies too.

*grin*

I didn't work as far ahead on my homework as I ought to, and I didn't do any professional networking or career-enhancing activities besides going into the office to do a little data analysis; but I badly needed this weekend of rest. I feel refreshed and ready to dive back into my studies and work tomorrow with renewed vigor.

How was your weekend? Did you get some much-needed refreshment?

Hugs and love and toffee nut lattes to you,
~ Vicki

hello.

It's a brilliantly sunny, 40°F, breezy, and sweet-smelling spring day here in my little Midwestern town.

Let that sink in. There's something very peculiar about my saying that at this time of the morning.

Give up?

I'M NOT AT WORK!!! Yes, that's right! I am enjoying a rare and wonderful morning off! Right now I'm relaxing in my mom's office, eating oatmeal and drinking coffee, listening to the soundtrack of Treasure Planet, and enjoying a chance to check in with my poor semi-abandoned blog while I actually have some energy (as opposed to last night, when I sat down in front of my computer with a head full of ideas and a body too exhausted to even type, after which frustrating experience I sulked and knitted for an hour)!

***

Life has been good in the ... let me check ... oh my goodness, 19 days since I last wrote. Work is verrry busy. I'm kind of at an awkward place there right now - on the one hand, I've been in my full-time position for 4 months now, so I'm fully adjusted and taking on a lot of new responsibilities, some of which are relatively important and exciting; but at the same time, I only have a few months left before I leave work and go back to being a full-time student, so they're also trying to transition me out of some of said responsibilities. I just keep trying to do my best; and on the bright side, I've become very good friends with a couple of my new coworkers, something which doesn't happen very often for me, and we all get along and enjoy our work and feel useful and meaningful. I can't ask for more than that!

***

As usual, I have not been using my free time very productively.  :-)  I did get my first sunburn of the year, volunteering at an outdoor event this weekend ... I've also been spending a lot of time outside, doing that pretending-to-be-a-real-photographer thing:

***

I have also been:

• Knitting a new pillow cover that I can't wait to show you
• Falling passionately in love with new fictional characters (and their actors) and trying desperately not to daydream Mary-Sue daydreams about them when I'm supposed to be paying attention at work
• WRITING. Yes, actually writing ... not very much or very well, but even a little bit is good!
• Grieving the death of Gilbert Blythe  (*muffled weeping*)
• Drinking waaaaaayyyyyyyy too much coffee and seeing how much caffeine I can consume each day before I get physically sick
• Reading amazingly encouraging and awesome articles by this guy
• Pondering myself with disgust and dismay, wondering what exactly is wrong with my maturity and spiritual discipline (besides their nonexistence), and praying that I'm not going to fall into depression again right before my grad school awesomeness starts to ramp up
• Clothes and shoe shopping!
• Yes, you DO need to click all the hyperlinks if you want to know what I've been up to ... don't worry, they've all been personally vetted!!

And keeping up with all of you, of course.  ;-)  I have to run now if I want to get some errands done before I go to work this afternoon; but I hope you're having a wonderful day and that the sun is shining on you!! I love my blog friends so much and love seeing what you're up to. I will do my best to post some more updates soon (maybe some pictures of my gorgeous pillow cover)!

Have a fantabulous day, dear sisters!!

Love,

Vicki

Flight

So I flew for the first time last month ...

Isn't it beautiful? That's Washington, D.C. - I had to go to the East coast on a work trip, my very first time flying, staying in a hotel without my family, and sleeping hundreds of miles away from home. I had crippling panic attacks and only slept about five hours the whole four-day trip felt very mature and accomplished as I lugged my giant wheely cart along with all the other red-eyed, watch-checking people in business suits and slip-on shoes, and I felt very proud of myself each morning when I coolly joined my colleagues in the hotel lounge for breakfast on time, as opposed to my normal last-second half-dressed dashes.

***

I learned a lot about myself on that trip. First and foremost, I love flying. Like every good INFP, I felt something awaken and rise in my spirit the first time I felt the ground fall away beneath me and knew I was soaring toward the sky. Even though my little charter plane was still much more cushioned than, say, a private two-seater, it was one of the most exhilarating experiences in my recent memory, and I'm doing my best to drop hints to my boss to let me travel again soon. I definitely see a pilot's license in my distant future!

***

The second thing I learned was that I am far more tied to my family, my surroundings, and my daily routine than I realized I was. It makes sense objectively, seeing as how I've led a very sheltered and uneventful life; but as I described it to my mom when I got home, I genuinely didn't know who I was once I was left in my hotel room alone. Sitting on the bed with unfamiliar ship and ocean sounds booming through the night, hearing strangers on the other side of the wall, knowing that my family was hundreds of miles away, I felt like I had been cut adrift - not just from my home, but from my self. I found nothing inside myself to hold onto and feel consistency, and although I did my best to read my Bible and pray, my extreme exhaustion and deeply physical anxiety/panic made it basically impossible to focus. The only thing I found that calmed me down and brought me back to some level of self-control was watching The Avengers on TV. (I think that says something about me, too, but I haven't figured out what yet.)

So what I drew from that experience was that I need to travel more. I need to cut myself away from the daily routine and learn to find those things that are the same no matter where I go, and learn to orient myself around those. God's presence in my heart and His love for me. The books and music I love. The little routines that are my own, like reading my evening devotions on my tablet with the lights off (I didn't do that the first night, and I did the second night, and it made a difference). And most of all, I need to learn how to see and feel God's presence as a true reality - not a rote verse printed in Times New Roman on the wall of my mind, but a living, breathing, talking relationship with a Father Whom I truly know, rely on, and run to. I learned that I don't have that, and I want it. I need it! I need it if I'm ever going to be free to go and see and do things, because when I am completely in fellowship and communion with God, then I will always be home, no matter where I may be.

***

Almost to Washington, D.C. - look at the sunset!

And finally, the third thing I learned was that all of those cheesy songs about the joy of going home are actually true. Oh yes, they are. The last night of my trip, I stood waiting with my coworkers outside a jam-packed airport restaurant, waiting wearily for a spot to open and for my delayed flight to arrive. I was dirty, exhausted, hungry, and nauseated from anxiety. Once I got into the restaurant, my food took forever to arrive; the TV blasting news above my head was full of dreary doomsday stories - it was one of those horror situations that you read about in books right before something awesome is about to happen.

And for me, it did: I saw a man wearing a sweatshirt from my university.

Suddenly, everything was okay. My luggage was lighter, my feet didn't hurt, and it didn't really take that long for my food to arrive after all. I was going home. A little piece of home had arrived to accompany me home on my journey. And with every mile that rushed away underneath my wings, I lightened and relaxed and started to smile - I was even able to sleep at last, during the last flight of the journey. Driving through the rain and fog into my sad, imperfect little town felt like riding onto the royal grounds in a white coach, because it was home, and my family was waiting at the other end of the road.

I used to listen to songs about home and chafe a little bit, because I'd never really been away from home and I wanted to see more of the world; but having been on that road myself now, I can sing along wholeheartedly with the old adage "Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home!"

***

What about you, sister? What have your experiences been with travel? Do you enjoy it? Or are you more of a homebody, like I'm realizing I am after all?  :-)

Love,
Vicki