These Boots

These boots were made for walking ...

And that's exactly what they have been doing. 

Lots. And lots. Of walking. (15,000 steps / 6.25 miles today alone!)

Walking up and down (and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down) the steps of my building - carrying patient charts to the clinic, making deliveries to the lab, running down to harass my friends, and dashing from class to class. 

Gladly walking the quarter-mile back to see my old friends - jumping with glee at news of new babies, hurrying to help carry bags and boxes over protests not to, and creeping behind cubicle walls to surprise the old ladies who reward me with a warm embrace. 

Taking long walks in the afternoon with the guy friend who is making my mind ache and my heart sparkle - striding in the footsteps of great alumni, tiptoeing through bookshelf-tunnels in the campus curiosity shop, and wandering in and out of restaurants in search of something to suit both our stomachs and our budgets.

If I told you some of the things I've been up to, you wouldn't believe me ... like if I told you that last week I woke up after having nightmares about party dress shopping for an hour, only to remember that I was stuck in an old recliner in a sound booth having my brainwaves recorded by my classmate. Or if I told you that I took the above photo in an abandoned greenhouse on a day when the wind was gusting at 40 miles per hour (it was trying to rip the old roof off the building as I crept inside). Or if I told you that I have somehow developed the ability to exist on 3.75 hours of sleep every night and my friends are starting to think I'm crazy.

Life is such a wonderful, confusing, exhausting, brilliant adventure ... the Lord has been so close to me these last few weeks, filling my life with His truth and protection, and reassuring my nervous, anxious heart that He is with me and guiding my footsteps with my hand safely in His, just as He always has. And I know that He will continue to guide me as long as I acknowledge Him and seek His will.

These boots and I just keep on walking, hand in hand with the Lord Jesus.

The way I should go

source // pexels.com

Hi there!! I wish you could see me - I'm pretending to be a REAL BLOGGER today! I'm sitting in a coffee shop on my netbook and listening to ambient electronic music and wistfully watching people hurry by outside and everything!

*cheesy grin*

This gray, cloudy morning looks sad and gloomy from where I sit in my warm (too-tall) chair, but actually, this is just the second morning in the last two weeks that I have woken up feeling calm and "normal," not sledgehammered with anxiety and panic the moment I lifted my head from the pillow. It all started with a miscommunication that drastically changed how I viewed someone close to me for a little while; and even though it turned out to be false, it's amazing how one little conversation, even one little word, can completely turn your world upside down when you're already stressed and nervous.

Since then, it has been a daily struggle to tame my fear and my need to control everything in my life, to shun jealousy and a spirit of selfish competition, and to genuinely trust that God is going to make my life a beautiful story of His love and grace. It has been very difficult, to say the least. I have not been eating, sleeping, or taking care of my body correctly, and I am barely hanging onto my homework with the tips of my fingers. There have been hours when all that I had to rest on was only hope, because even faith was fading.

But multiple times this year already, God has brought me back to the verse that one of my mentors claimed for me early this year:

You see, all my life, I have tended to focus on the command portions of these verse. Trust. Lean not. Acknowledge. More "to-do" items to add to the long list of things a good Christian is supposed to remember and do.

But this year, and especially these last two weeks, God has been gently opening my heart to the beautiful promise part of this verse. And He shall direct your paths. 

He shall. He shall. That's not a "maybe," that's not a "hope so," that's not a check-off-all-these-items-and-bring-them-back-to-me-and-then-we'll-talk-about-it. That is a PROMISE. HE SHALL DIRECT YOUR PATHS.

And in light of that promise, the command portions of the verse suddenly take on a completely different tone - rather than being check-off items that we must complete if we want to unlock the benefit of His guidance, they are an encouragement to let go of all of our anxious nail-biting at the daily crossroads of our lives, and just to acknowledge that He is in control and He understands so, so much more than our finite minds can comprehend in those moments.

Instead of staring at my phone on Saturday night and wondering if that nice guy will be at church the next morning (yes, that's really the crux of what all this anxiety has been about), I can acknowledge that God sees and gently carries my hopes and fears, and rest in knowing that He is writing my story and that He will make the next chapter full of His beauty and light - whether that involves someone walking through life by my side, or my enjoying another year of unhindered basking in His grace. And with that simple acknowledgement, He sets His promise of guidance and direction in motion.

Instead of lying in bed and agonizingly analyzing everything I said and did over the course of the day, and weeping over the decisions I know I'll have to make tomorrow, I can simply commit my words and actions to Him, repent of the ones I know are sinful, and trust Him to weave the rest into something that reveals His sweet fragrance in my life.

***

Trust is hard. It's so much "easier," in human terms, to nervously stick our hands into a situation and work everything out ourselves - like I have been doing way too much of lately. But my understanding is so tiny compared to His understanding, and I can't see the end before the beginning, the way He can. If I want the back cover of my life-book to close on a beautiful, joyful, Spirit-overflowing life, as I do, then the best thing to do is to simply turn off the phone, get off of Facebook, and retreat to the safe garden place of His rest and care.

And He will direct {my} paths.

***

What about you? I know you're having to trust God for hard things in your life lately, too - how is the struggle going for you, to remember that He has your story all planned and is writing up something beautiful in your life? I pray that God would remind you every day that He loves you so, so very much and that He is more than willing to take the burden of worry and control off of you, so that you can relax and enjoy seeing where each day takes you. Stay strong, my brothers and sisters!!

Hugs and love (from my little coffee-shop stool!),

Vicki

In the crossroads, in the fog

I am really struggling badly this week ... I feel like everything in my life is changing all at once, and the harder I try to hang onto the Lord and trust Him for peace and rest, the higher the waves of anxiety and fear and panic crash against me and threaten to throw me over the edge.

I've started this blog post at least eight or nine times and keep choking on it and deleting it. I can't seem to describe everything that's going on - viewed from the outside, it all looks good and quite manageable, things like visiting a new church, applying to a new program, and building relationships with new friends; but felt from the inside, I feel like a raging hurricane of violent emotions wrestled and squeezed into a very small, very weak, very scared little body.

People are noticing and privately texting me to ask if I'm okay. I say yes, I'm okay. But am I?

No. I'm not okay. Not really.

I'm scared. There is so much hanging in the balance based on what I do about these three huge choices facing me. I know that God is in control of my future; I keep running back to His promises to guide my steps and make my paths straight; in my heart, I know that He is guiding today's decisions just as He has so gently guided my stumbling footsteps in the past. But my heart is not speaking to my feelings right now. They are frantic, panicked, out of control.

What if I mess up? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make the wrong move and permanently mess up my life?

There is no way to know.

That's the hard part. If I could look at each of these decisions and say, "If I decide to do A, then B will happen; and if I decide to do X, then Y will happen", then everything would be easy. I could look at the two outcomes, decide which one would be most conducive to God's glory and my happiness, and make a choice. But I don't get to see that. I am standing at a crossroads with a heavy fog hanging over both paths, and I have to make my choices based on what I think, expect, and hope lies within that fog.

***

The one thing I know: GOD IS THERE. God is within the fog. God is within the fog; He is within the hurricane; He is within the sunshine that lies on the other side of the cloud and within the fog that hangs over the next crossroads, and the next. God is there. God knows what lies down each path.

I have faced decisions like these before; I have been terrified like this before. Every time, I made what I thought was the very best decision, based on Scripture and the guidance of my parents and counselors, and every time He worked through my choice. Have I messed up? Oh, yes, I certainly have! But I survived! I learned! I learned things about God and about myself that I wouldn't have learned the same way if I had chosen a different path - because God directs my steps and even if I make a "wrong turn," He has a lesson waiting there to make me stronger and draw me deeper into His arms.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, and of power, and of a sound mind. No matter what my feelings say, I need to believe that I can trust Him to lead me through the decisions; through the sad partings and shy beginnings; and yes, even through the mistakes and bad choices that I know I'm going to make. He already has those accounted for in His plan for my life, they will not surprise Him, and He will pick me up and hug me close and gently set me down on the right path again.

And who knows? Maybe I'll make the right choices.  :-)