hope returns

I turned the corner into the garden, expecting everything to still be dead ...

... but instead, this cheery little beauty lifted its head next to my foot and said hello.

Every winter feels so long, so cold, so interminable - it can feel like it's never going to end.

But it always does. Spring always comes.

And I am finally on spring break! Doesn't break always come just when you really need it? Projects, papers, labs, and exams have taxed me and my classmates to our limits these last few weeks - we are learning a lot about the limits of each other's physical and emotional strength. I personally have been learning about new ways to put others first in small ways, like leaving them alone to study when I'd rather rest and talk, or being serious when I'd rather joke; but I've also been learning that my "amazing" intuition about people can sometimes be wrong, and that sometimes I really do need to use words and ask what people are thinking.

I want to use the break to recover from weeks of sleep deprivation and get back to feeling human again (which I define as being able to get through a day without crying). I want to make cookies, crochet, take photography walks, and plant some seedlings. I want to read books, but especially be able to read my Bible at night without falling asleep on top of the second or third verse.

And I want to live for a week in the fullest depths of my INFP Anne-of-Green-Gables personality - I have spent many weeks shrinking myself, being quiet, staying out of the way, hearing my academic performance picked apart, and enduring friends' daily well-meaning criticism of my poor health and study habits; and while sometimes that's necessary, not only does it cause me a lot of stress and sadness, but it also means I'm not serving as effectively. When I was operating from a place of being comfortable with my personality and strengths and how God was using me in people's lives, I was maximally effective - reaching out, caring for people, using words to make bridges. I want to get back to that place again.

***

Do you get any kind of a break this spring? Are you making plans for Easter? Have you seen any little signs of hope, rebirth, or reviving joy?

~ Vicki

when you don't know if he's the one {or, 5 ways to stay sane}

"Soooo, are you guys, like ... together?"

They have no idea what a stressful question that is. How do you slap a neat label on something as fragile and mysterious as the soft mound of a seedling just below the soil?

I just smile and shrug and say something like "Well, if we are, he hasn't told me about it, soooo ..."

I'm not being facetious. I genuinely don't know. I know that we prefer each other's company and have a lot of fun when we're together, but I also know that we are both very self-sufficient and have plenty of reasons not to start a relationship right now. For today, we are just friends. Ish.

The days, weeks, or months in which a simple friendship begins to look like something else are challenging for pretty much anyone, let alone a spinsterly homeschool alumna who has just spent the last four years of her life living and working with almost entirely women. Anxiety and questions abound, mostly all boiling down to either "is this all in my imagination?" or "oh my goodness, should I have said that?". The churned-up soil of an undefined relationship is a fertile place to grow viney worries, sticky-burr obsessions, and wild dreams that grow like invasive weeds ... as more and more of these intrusive thoughts and unexpected feelings wind around my mind and stick to my heart, their weight makes it more and more difficult to wade through each day without collapsing in nervous exhaustion.

So what's a girl to do?

***

I definitely, definitely do not have it all figured out - because my friend and I see each other every day, I feel like every morning I'm starting over, trying to understand the strange, rusty emotions that mix together weirdly in my 8AM coffee. But through this experience, I am learning some principles that are really benefiting me; and I wanted to share what I am learning in hopes that it might help someone else - not only people who might be in the early stages of a relationship as well, but anyone facing uncertainty at the beginning of a big change in their lives.

I. Pray like a daughter. I'm not talking about primly uttered prayers asking God to prepare my heart to be a perfect Proverbs 31 girlfriend, should that day come ... I'm talking about crying prayers, messy prayers, prayers about the embarrassing and scary questions that I don't know how to ask. I'm talking about scared-daughter prayers to my Father. Abba, I'm feeling angry because he didn't say goodbye before leaving ... and I know that's ridiculous because he said four times that he was really hungry ... and I'm just mad at myself for getting so stupidly mad over these stupid little things.

I guarantee that the Holy Spirit has been facepalming very hard over the confused, irrationally angry, weepy prayers that I have been mournfully tossing up to Him over these last few months ... but He has been listening and bringing me bracing truth, soothing comfort, and gentle warnings that exactly answer each unique day's heart-needs. Pray, pray, pray to God as a listening Father Who cares more about your daughter heart than even the most attentive earthly father.

II. Keep busy. The old saying "idle minds are the devil's workshop, and idle hands his tools" is truer than I wish it were. If you keep moving, the sticky burrs and vines don't have as much of a chance to stick to you - in plain English, engage yourself in good things that busy your hands and your mind, so that you don't get stuck in those horrible cyclical worries and draining fears. Put on a movie while crocheting a baby blanket for a friend or charity. Go give your bedroom a good going-over with inspirational music playing in the background. Scrub your bathtub while listening to a podcast. Doing something with both your mind and your hands will burn off some of that anxious energy and apply it to something useful - while keeping racing thoughts at bay.

III. Monitor your motivation. Maybe this is just me, but I am finding to my chagrin that what I think are my reasons for doing certain things in this relationship are not the real underlying reasons after all. For example, this evening I texted my friend to tease him a bit, as we like to do; and I told myself I was being friendly. But after firing off the text, I took a step back and truly examined my heart, and I realized that this time it wasn't really about making him smile, but about me - I feel so special when he takes time out of his busy schedule to text me, and I was seeking out that feeling because it was late in the day and I was hungry and lonely.

Now, I'm not encouraging you to start over-analyzing everything you say and do, looking for hidden ulterior motives everywhere; because trust me, that is an even worse state to be in than an impulsive one. But when we are very emotionally invested in something - something that we really want to happen - it can be easy to let our anxious hopes mix in with our bigger intentions and make them selfish. I know this is the exact opposite of what I want to happen in this friendship, whether it grows up into the next level or not; so I need to check on myself every so often to make sure that I am still acting in love and servanthood, not in selfishness.

IV. Take care whom you confide in. This is one that I have learned the hard way. In any potentially life-changing situation, it is important to have as much constructive counsel as you can get; but the key is realizing whose counsel is constructive and whose is unhelpful or even destructive. Some of the small handful of people I have confided in have been gentle, helpful, and encouraging; but others have actually contributed to my anxiety and worry quite significantly with discouraging, negative comments. When you are dealing with something that is brand-new and very important to you - whether it's a relationship like this, or something like a new job venture, a new baby, or any other new work that God is bringing forth in your life - it is vital that you surround yourself with godly counsel that will gently encourage and correct you, not scold or question you and add to your self-doubt during a time when you're generating plenty of it on your own.

V. Enjoy being yourself. Don't forget that, even though you may be eager to spend more time with your new friend and try out this "dating" thing that everyone is so excited about, for now you're still quite single; and now is a great time to remember all the things you love about this stage of your life. That looks different for everyone; but for me, it has meant Disney marathons with my brothers, taking long walks in the slowly warming weather, and enjoying lunch with my dearest girlfriends. Life as a single grad student is a beautiful thing, and whether this works out or not, I never want to lose sight of all the blessings that I have right now, right here, in this place and this moment.

***

There is no easy way to navigate this time of life, but it helps so much to remember that God has everything under control - just like every other relationship in my life, this one is to bring glory to His name and to shape and mold both me and my friend more closely into the mold of the One we love, the Lord Jesus Christ. It's not easy to continually, moment by moment, reroute these quite-natural-but-dangerously-close-to-selfish desires into spiritual channels; but the Holy Spirit is right with me with all the resources of strength and willpower from heaven at my disposal, and He wants to keep me walking the straight path of His will even more than I want to.

My God is mighty, and powerful, and the One my soul loves. My Father, whom do I have on earth besides You? No earthly friendship compares with Your white-hot love that fills and purifies every corner of my heart and soul; and I pray again that You would surround me with Your protection and satisfy every longing that I have with the beauty, majesty, and sufficiency that only You can provide!

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen." ~ Jude 24-25