Single ... and Satisfied | Marriage Part 1

I was reading an interesting article the other day on finding your purpose in life and fulfilling it. It was a wee bit cliché, said all the usual things - "find what you're passionate about", "look at the world and see what you can bring to it", "find the ways to use your talents to spread the Gospel" - but it ended with something that, for whatever reason, struck me very strongly. Paraphrased, it said, "Keep in mind, of course, that whatever passion you decide to pursue in your life, you must not let it detract from your primary ministry to your husband and children."

As I looked at that, I suddenly felt so incredibly free. I have nothing in my life to stop me from pursuing whatever interests me - no binding commitments that would prevent me from going wherever I wanted to go or wherever the Lord sent me, at any time. That is such an incredible blessing!

Before I go on, though, I want to back up a bit and share something that has been on my heart for a long time. Starting from the time I was just about 11 years old, I have longed to find my husband and get married. When I reached upper high school and my older friends all started to get married, that desire began to intensify; and there have been entire years where a day barely went by without my feeling pain at my very single state. Much of the pain, I know now, was jealousy of the attention and respect that my married friends get - those of you who have been dating or married for a while, please, never underestimate the difficult social standing that single women find themselves in. Even in this modern and liberated age (a bit of sarcasm here) and at my advanced age, I still very often feel like I am less of an adult and less of a woman because I have never had a boyfriend.

But I can't blame all of those miserably lonely years on pure jealousy, either. There was a very real emptiness and longing to find the one who would complete me - the one who would give me the rest of my identity. Because for a long time, especially when I was younger, I viewed myself as little more than the future wife of Mr. Right - I just happened to be educating myself in the meantime, just to keep busy until he finally decided to arrive.

I discovered that basing your identity and worth on another person, especially one you haven't met yet, is a very difficult and empty state of life. It isn't like being a soldier's wife or living in a long-distance relationship, because in those situations you know there is a real person on the other side of the screen or at the other end of the phone line. When you are living solely for your future spouse whom you haven't met yet, it's like talking into a phone with no one on the other end. It hurts. It's not fulfilling. And I might add that, when taken to extreme levels, it saps mental and emotional strength that you need for living.

I have been in that situation. I know I've said this before, but when I was finishing high school, I never thought about what I wanted to do in college because I really thought that my future husband was going to come so quickly that I would only be there for a year or two at most, after which I would happily drop out and be a stay-at-home wife and mother. I was living with tunnel vision, and I was closed to any other possibility that the Lord might have for me.

I'm so thankful that no one told me then that I would be single for 7+ more years, because I honestly don't
think I could have stood it at that point. I am also thankful that my parents made me go to college even though I was clearly uninterested, because while I greatly admire the disciplined and mature young women who are living vibrant, joyful lives as stay-at-home daughters, I know now that I would have withered and atrophied in that life - died there on the vine, spending all of my best time and energy talking to the dial tone on my heart's phone.

As it is, I maintained my hope for and dependence on a speedy and young marriage through three years of Associate's degree studies and a year of working odd jobs (and I do mean odd). My wake-up call came on my first pre-enrollment visit to the four-year college. I might have told you about it before; but basically, after my advisor took me on a tour of the facilities I would be using and talked to me about my education and hopes, she looked me in the eye and said, "You're a very bright young lady, and I think you'd be a great fit for this department. We would love to have you as a student here."

What a shock that was! It had been many years since I had considered that I might have a work to do on my own, as Vicki, alone, just me - something that I was uniquely made and equipped to do, without having to wait on my husband to arrive. Could it be that I had a value and a purpose that was separate from my close-held identity as a future wife? Could it be that I was valued for my mind? For my gifts (which noticeably did not include homemaking)? For what I could contribute to the world outside my home?

It was difficult to transition from thinking of myself as a future wife to thinking of myself as just a woman, living today for the Lord. But I am so glad that I did.

These last three years at the four-year college have been the best of my life in every way. With each semester, my thirst for knowledge and my interest and involvement in the world have grown. I'm a published writer and designer, organization leader, lab assistant, and good student. I'm advancing every day in my study of Spanish, and recently went with a friend to several Spanish-only grocery stores in my town and handled myself moderately well. I've made friends of every sort and learned a lot from each one - especially the ones who are radically different from me in every way. And above all, I've learned so much about God - how I relate to Him, how to serve Him, and how to fall more in love with Him every day.

I am a whole person. I don't need my future husband to come and complete my identity, because I know what that identity is - a woman, perfectly loved and sustained by my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, equipped with gifts of His choosing, to minister to a sick and dying world. My life is here, right now, with the people that He has placed in my life and the work He has placed in my calendar for today, tomorrow, and next week. I was formed to bring glory to God in every circumstance, and that is my ultimate and highest purpose.

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In Part 2 of this post, I want to take a minute to talk about how I view marriage now, because I have definitely not "arrived" at the place of perfect understanding of marriage. It's been strange, in fact, for me to realize that my life anchor is no longer rooted in that hope of future marriage. There are actually some issues in my current views that are just as problematic as my older views ... stay tuned!