Valentine's Recap: Reconsidering Romance

This is a post I wrote for Valentine's Day and never posted, for some reason ... I just rediscovered it and thought it was rather profound, so I wanted to share it with you.  :-)  It's not technically part of my marriage "series", but it's related ...

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Sometime in the last year or so, I have undergone something of a transformation in my view of romance.

To be blunt, I've decided that I don't really need it, and I'm not always sure that I even want it. When I think I want to be in love, a few moments of self-probing usually reveals that all I'm really feeling is jealous of the attention and respect that people get when they are in a relationship or married. It's very true that single people do not get the same respect that dating or married people do - it's as though I haven't "arrived" yet, that I'm less of a woman and less of an adult because I don't have a boyfriend. This does get difficult, and I have blog posts to prove it. But when I sit myself down and put myself in time out, I'm forced to admit that this frustration and inferiority is really all I'm feeling. It's not really a desire for love.

For another thing, my life is plenty full on its own, and doesn't need to be completed by a boyfriend. I have very exciting plans for my future career. I'm good at what I've chosen, I love it, and there are a million different ways I can use my future graduate degree to help people - here in the U.S. and even overseas, if I want. And even besides work, I have a lot of wonderful things in my life - good books, good friends, my loving family, my hobbies and clubs. I enjoy my own company, and don't always feel inclined to share that company with another person, either.

For a final thing, I really don't seem to have the kind of personality that most guys would like. Who would want a wife whose favorite pastime is to get as far away from people as she can so she can curl up under a dead tree, read Jane Eyre and listen to Anúna? Especially since that wife doesn't like to cook, leaves piles of stuff on the floor for weeks because she's too busy reading blogs to notice them, and is extremely awkward around children? I might be an interesting girlfriend just to tell stories about to the guys, but as wife material, I'm hardly cut out of the stuff that most men are looking for.

So I have slipped on my comfortable spinster costume (a.k.a. my "crazy old lady" outfits of long gypsy skirts, geeky tees and severe ponytails) and decided that I like it.

Except ...

Should I like it?

Every so often, I get the feeling that, rather than liberating myself by throwing away my hopes and expectations of marriage, I just might be limiting myself instead.

I just might be limiting myself to a very narrow view of what life can be. I like being single because that's all I've ever known. I've never known what it's like to share my entire heart and life with another person - even my sister, my dearest earthly friend and companion, doesn't know everything that goes on in my mind and heart. What would it be like, to trust someone stronger than me with those secret thoughts that bring me to tears on dark winter nights? What would it be like, to show someone the things that I love without fearing that I will be judged or thought of badly? Certainly, my life as a single woman is full of friendships and love in its own way; but if I never open myself up to this kind of whole, accepting love, I might be limiting myself to a superficial and lonely understanding of what relationships between two people can be.

I just might be limiting myself to a very self-centered life that never knows what true sacrifice is. Now, of course there are plenty of chances for a single person to learn about sacrifice, and many a man and woman has given all that they had for people whom they loved in a non-romantic way. But what greater sacrifice is there than to lay down my life on an altar and pledge to put one man before myself, every day, for as long as I live? To promise to hold his secret pleasures and pains just as gently and acceptingly as he holds mine? To give my body to bear his children - and my precious and beloved sleep to care for them day and night? If I choose to only commune with myself and decide not to give myself to another in this way, I might be limiting myself to a much less perfect understanding of Christ's sacrifice for me than I could possibly have.

I just might be limiting myself to a smaller sphere of influence than I could otherwise have. Much as I like to pretend I'm an independent, outgoing woman, I actually still don't have a driver's license, so I am limited to the places that my busy family or friends can drive me; and I'll admit to being scared to travel much farther than that on my own. When I've said things like "Oh, I'd rather not go that far by myself," people have occasionally replied, "Why don't you let your boyfriend drive you?" - which sounds simple but is quite profound. By telling myself that I refuse to rely on a man to take care of me because I am self-sufficient and can take care of myself, I am not in fact being resourceful and independent. I am being stubborn and proud. If I refuse to accept that I have weaknesses that a (bigger, stronger, more experienced, and likely smarter) person could fill, then I might be limiting myself to staying stuck in my own proud little circle instead of going with him to a larger field.

I just might be limiting myself to a superficially helpful life instead of becoming a crucial part of someone else's dream. It's very important to me to have a "life work." That means that I don't just want an 8-to-5 job that I leave at the office; I want to work in something that consumes me. Something that I live for because I see my work making a difference in the world. I'm certainly not saying that I want to get married because no other work will satisfy me that way, because that's not true - after I graduate, I'll be able to heal people and help them in a way that's going to be truly awesome. But what if, instead of doing that on my own, I could use my skills to complement my husband's skills, and we could work together as a team? What if my dream expanded to include his dream, and his expanded to include mine, so that together our work was twice as powerful? If I choose to take the easier road of puttering through life on my own, I might be limiting myself to a life that's only half as helpful as it could be.

So.

I don't know yet whether God has planned for me to get married or not, and considering these things certainly doesn't make me any less satisfied with my single life. I meant it when I said that my life is very full and happy as it is, and that I don't need a man in my life to make it better.

But ...

What if, in honor of Valentine's Day, I left off the mantle of "spinster" for just a little while longer? What if I were to pray that God would open my heart to WHATEVER He has for me?

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Hugs and a very Happy Valentine's Day to you,
Vicki