I feel like this often. On the inside, I feel like Anne of Green Gables - elfin, fiery, mysterious, unique, beautiful. I love strange, watery mist-blue things, like ghostly choirs, foggy coastlines, haunting pipe-tunes, and diving skyhawks; and feel like I belong with them, walking by the sea in the gray early morning, with the spray floating up off the waves, soaking the long sweater wrapped around my thin shoulders. If my inner world were my outer world, I would be small and slim, with long, thick auburn hair, a pale poetic face, and wide, expressive gray eyes.
Instead, I feel like I look more like Imelda Staunton.
And I wonder, how did this foolish little dreamer that I am get stuck in such a round, frumpy pastry of a body? Instead of looking elfin and mysterious, my plump, dimpled face, prominent nose, little thick body, and limp blondish hair are just perfectly suited to be a little Polish housewife and sausage shop owner. Or something equally plump and solid and ridiculous.
I'm not saying this isn't a perfectly good body that gets me where I need to go and looks respectable, because it is. I could have just as easily received a body that was sick or disabled, and I'm thankful to be healthy and to have the energy I need to live my life. I know that God designed my body the way it is for a reason. It just bothers me that people can't see on the outside what I'm really like on the inside. So many people tell me how they love that I'm so little and cute and bubbly all the time; and I feel like, if I looked different, maybe they would see that I'm actually gray and moody and darkly self-centered.
What do you think? Do you feel like your outward appearance reflects your internal personality pretty well? Or do you feel the disconnect that I'm talking about?
~ Vicki
Hello, dear friend and let me say first off ...
ReplyDeleteHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
I *loved* this post ... you wrote it in such a way that has had me laughing after each line. I especially enjoyed your saying something about owning a sausage shop. Ah, me. That is funny.
On a more serious note, yes, I can relate. I have often felt like if people really saw what I thought I was that I would be much more respected, esteemed, and sought after (which is, in the end, very selfish). I mean, what is more appealing than a die-hard romantic, fiery, whimsical, poetic, soulful, passionate, and stubborn ... oh, and my appearance typically evolves into a youthful, thin, woman who is quite capable of anything.
But reality is different. And I'm learning that maybe my living in my inner world isn't as good for me as I thought. I don't know if you struggled with this, but, I would often find real-life situations hard to understand emotionally. I would respond mentally and emotionally through my inner self -- the thin, stubborn, whimsical, passionate creature I imagined myself to be -- and would fail to respond properly in reality. Which created more conflicts that I intended. For example, I don't cry when I should (and I cry when I shouldn't). It's something I am really yearning to change ... when a loved one has sorrowful news, or a new baby comes into the world I want to be able to respond as I should. It's something that bothers me.
Ah, I love you, dear friend. I so understand! I think one of the biggest keys for harmony to ensue between your inner being and outer being is to be who you are no matter what people think of you. Don't let people's idea of "what you look like" keep you from being/doing what you love. The world will be blessed when you are who you were created to be; God is blessed when we exhibit His creativity and accept His work. That is one of the best things Dalton has ever told me, "Just be yourself, Frannie, just be yourself." Oh, and then there was that time Molly Hooper asks Sherlock if she should be taking notes as John always did ... but then Sherlock responds that she isn't being John -- she's being herself. (Ah, insert happy heart smiles!)
I hope this comment didn't come across too preachy. It's just that I can relate so well! God bless you, dear friend! I love and appreciate you!