Just Talk About It

Imagine for a moment that you and your husband have had an argument.

I know that may be difficult for you newly-wedded lovebirds to comprehend.  :-)  But try to imagine it for a minute. The argument is over now; the issue has blown over, and you are no longer fighting. However, neither of you has apologized to the other, and in fact, the argument has not been discussed at all. You both still feel uncomfortable - talking, making eye contact, greeting each other after work is awkward and difficult because of the memory of what you said to each other. You continue to say and do all the right dutiful things that you're supposed to say and do as husband and wife, but there is a fellowship and fire lacking because you have not brought the issue out into the open, acknowledged it, and forgiven and been forgiven.

What would be the logical thing to do in this situation? Wouldn't it be better to lay aside the "Hello darling, how was your day? Can I get you a warm bath while I finish cooking the biscuits?" and instead use a plain old "I'm sorry for being a creep and calling you a jerk. Can you ever forgive me?"

Yes, it would be better. But all too often, at least in my own life, my relationship with God looks like the first situation, because I just plain old don't talk about the things that are coming between Him and me.

Sometimes it's actual sin - unbelief, covetousness, jealousy, carelessness - that I genuinely don't want to discuss, let alone confess. That is, obviously, dangerous and wicked. Sometimes, though, it's just that I had my feelings hurt and I'd rather pity myself than talk to God about it, that I'm genuinely worried about something and find it difficult to focus my mind on a good prayer, or that the stresses of my life are weighing on me too heavily to pray for others.

What would be the logical thing to do in this situation?

Too often, I go the route of the hypothetical couple in the beginning and just mumble a sterile "Lord, I'm sorry for all the sins I committed today; help me do better tomorrow, amen" before I fall into bed and pull the blankets over my head.

This morning during devotions, I was tempted to do the same usual thing. "Lord, please bless this day, help me not to mess up too badly, amen". But my devotional reading for the day was Charles Spurgeon; and reading his bracing, gently-sympathetic-yet-uncompromisingly-firm encouragement brought me to a place where I knew I couldn't just leave things the way they were yet again. I didn't know what else to do; so I just crawled under the blankets and talked to God about things exactly how they were.

I told Him that I was having trouble believing His promises in a couple of areas. I told Him that I was feeling fragile and down on myself because of my two friends who got engaged this week. I didn't use any "bless this" or "give me a good day" phrases. I told Him everything without even asking Him to change it or take it away - I just told Him that this was the way things were with me right now, and why I needed help to get back in fellowship with Him. And to my surprise, the feeling that flowed down all over me as I prayed was as if He were saying, Yes, daughter, I know. I already knew that. Thank you for finally coming to Me about it.

How ridiculous of me. Of course He already knew what I was thinking and feeling and struggling with. Why did I think that somehow not talking to Him about these things would make them go away? Just like the young couple in the beginning, even though the Lord and I both already knew what was going on between us and whose fault it was (mine, of course), He was waiting for me to finally acknowledge the issues and get them out into the air, confessing the sin and yielding up the anxiety and hurt, before He lifted away the burdens and restored peace to my heart.

And lo and behold, I'm learning my childhood Sunday school lessons over again as an adult - I can talk to Him that way at any time of the day, anywhere I want! There are certainly times and places when a formal prayer is more appropriate; but as I'm walking between classes, working at my office, hanging out in the student union, snuggling into bed for the night, or doing practically any other activity in my typical days, I can be talking to Him and keeping that communication line open.

This kind of open, vulnerable communication is, of course, a difficult adjustment no matter what context you're using it in, and I don't expect my relationship with God to be any different. But just as in a human relationship, only more so, it ultimately all boils down to trust. Do I trust Him to love me when I'm angry and hurt and confused, just as I trust Him to love me when I'm saintly and kind and loving? Do I trust Him to hold me to His heart when I feel fragile and delicate, without hiding within myself for fear that He will push me onto my feet and tell me to just buck up? And importantly, do I trust Him to deal frankly with my sin, knowing that He already saw it in all its horror when the slime of it covered His broken body on the cross, and to wash it off me even when I'm squirming in protest?

He has promised to do all these things for me, and from now on, I want to run to Him in every circumstance. Instead of hiding within myself because I'm afraid of what He'll say or do, I want to "talk it out," lay everything out in front of Him, and trust that He will do what's best.