Mission: Accepted

She was most definitely autistic.

I met her when I was nineteen years old. I was just out of high school, very sheltered and inexperienced - although I'd heard of autism and knew vaguely what it meant, I had never met anyone who had classic autism before.

Then I met her. She scared me.

She wandered around the room mumbling to herself, quietly repeating people's words and making strange gestures with her hands. When I spoke to her, she seemed to look right through me - there was no spark of connection in her eyes whatsoever. She heard me, and eventually answered me after repeating my question several times, but I never did get her to strike up a real conversation. We actually ended up talking through a little toy - I asked the toy a question, and she made the toy answer. It was surreal.

That night, I wrote in my journal how frightening autism was and how I wasn't sure I could deal with seeing her again. She gave me the creeps.

But even at the time, I wrote down a strong impression that had come over me - that somehow this first face-to-face meeting with autism was just the first step in a long journey. In fact, at the time I had a strong feeling that I was actually seeing something in my future - I had a feeling that God's plans for my future were going to involve people with autism in some way.

And, as is typical of me, I said no.

I wrote those very words in my journal - no thanks. "I keep having this funny feeling that God might want me to work with people who have autism someday, but I just can't do it," I wrote. It was too scary - I envisioned myself surrounded by echolalia for the rest of my life, never again having a real conversation, spending the rest of my days with people who behaved as though they were from another planet. Nope. That wasn't the way I had my life planned, and so I gracefully declined yet another opportunity God had laid at my feet.

-----

Praise be to God, He did not accept my refusal this time.

I was puttering around on my computer one afternoon a few weeks back when a very quiet, gentle Voice suddenly spoke to my heart.

Dear one, I want you to just stop for a moment and take a look at what you're doing. Look at where I've led you. Yes, you refused to obey at first, but you've been following My lead for a while now, and today there is something very special going on in your life. Just take a look.

I did - and immediately I burst into tears.


My schedule in front of me was like a beautiful book testifying to God's faithfulness in my life and His willingness to use me even when I don't want to be used. Sisters, here is what I saw:

- I am currently helping to start a new student organization at my school to help raise awareness of autism spectrum disorders on campus.

- I am working with professors who are doing groundbreaking research on autism and other disorders at my university.

- I have spoken and written about autism research in multiple classes and assignments.

- I regularly talk with friends and classmates about autism and help spread accurate information about what autism is and how to best relate to people who have it.

- I recently learned about a postdoctoral program in California that allows select Ph.D. and M.D. students to perform interdisciplinary research on autism and other neurodevelopmental disorders - and one of my professors is a graduate of that program.

I sat on the couch and wept with awe at everything God has done to bring me to this place where I really am fulfilling His will for me - immediately I could see all the little steps He carefully led me through, beginning with that little girl so long ago, through a gut-wrenching diagnosis close to my own family, then through all of the little opportunities that He gently opened up one by one along my path. The little drops of knowledge that led to late nights of devouring information. The fear that gave way to acceptance, then to enthusiasm, then to a passion to know more and do more for those who are living with this condition.

Today, I understand that autism is just one part of the lives of the people who live with it. I know so many amazing people who have this condition, and I love them all - sure, some of them have classic autism symptoms like echolalia and stimming, but those are such little things, really, compared with the beauty of the person inside. And many people don't have "classic" symptoms anyway. The saying goes, "If you've met one person with autism ... well, then you've met one person with autism." It's nothing to be feared, nothing strange at all. Just a little different.

I never knew I was on this journey - I assumed God had let the matter drop when I told Him "no," as He has let so many other blessings go when I refused them. But He didn't let go of me on this one. He's been working in me all along. And I never knew!

I don't know if autism research is where I will work for the rest of my life, or if it's a temporary work until God leads me on to something else. At the moment, it doesn't really matter, because I can see very clearly that He has brought me along a very intentional path and given me a chance to really make a difference for a lot of people.

This time, I accept the mission. This time, I say yes! Yes, Lord, I will!

Praise to the Lord for His unspeakable gift!!

Lots of love,
Vicki