Why do I go for so many days and weeks feeling perfectly content and happy, knowing that I am loved by the One Who designed me and rescued me, knowing that I have a great work to do and a huge wide world at my feet ...
... and then encounter the one thing that I am denied, the one thing I do not have, and feel the old familiar wave of nauseating pain rush over my heart?
It makes no sense to me.
I like being single. I do. Really. I love getting up in the morning and putting on what I want to wear, not worrying about whether he will like it or how it makes me look to him. I love coming home in the evenings and having no responsibilities other than helping with the family chores and doing my homework. I love not having the butterflies that permanently take up residence in my stomach when I'm in a relationship or think I will be - I really don't miss those. They make it hard to sleep and eat.
I'm happy with where I'm at. I'm not in a hurry to find a boyfriend or get married. I really feel like this most days:
So why does it still hurt?
Because it does. Not long ago, I found out within the space of half an hour that three people from the younger grades at my old church have gotten married since I last saw them. One of my good friends from high school recently got engaged. Some of my much younger relatives are dating now. As far as I know, all but a handful of my best friends are in steady relationships.
And then there's me. Twenty-four years old, fat and lazy, chilling on my parents' couch, watching Tangled and Star Trek.
When I hear a beautiful real-life love story, it does make me jealous, but only a little. What it really makes me is deeply angry at and resentful of myself. Because somehow, it must be my fault. It's because you're overweight. You have stringy hair. You're lazy and ugly and boring. You're childish and selfish. You're obnoxious. You're a phony and don't let anyone get close to you. You're too sinful. You're too worldly. All you care about is yourself.
When I calm down, I know that most of that is only slightly true, and I know that these self-whipping sessions are just a bad habit I picked up during a really hard period of my life. But they hurt. I make them hurt. I want to hurt.
But why?
Is it something sinful, some kind of puerile jealousy that just wants what everyone else has? Or the more adult version of the same thing, a feeling of inferiority because I haven't reached this important rite of adulthood? Is it discontentment or rebellion? Is it a genuine desire that bursts forth so violently because I keep it squashed most of the time?
I don't know. I really can't tell you. I just know that it hurts.
I guess all I can do for now is try to enjoy getting to "fire arrows into the sunset", while I sit back on my parents' comfortable couch and read about other people's relationships from the peacefulness of my own solitude ...
Love,
Vicki
Ah Vickie, my heart hurts so much for you right now because I know exactly how you feel. For years I always felt that I was never going to be chosen and that it was my fault. It never helps to have friends begin marrying or when people say things like, "Oh, you're still young" or "In His time." Blah. It's more like salt on a raw wound.
ReplyDeleteSo, I'm not going to offer words which will fall short. I only want you to know that I understand and that I am praying that God brings His outstanding peace and overwhelming love into your life. I'm praying that His will be done in your life. And I want you to know that you are fearfully and wonderfully made, knot together by the hands of God, designed for good works, called out by the God of the universe, and loved exactly as you are. Star Trek and all.
And, p.s., the man God designed for you will love you exactly the way you are ... I guarantee it.
P.S.S. I totally understand about emailing! Sorry I hadn't responded yet; life is just plum crazy. :)
Im praying for you, Vickie, its a hard place. Sometimes life is hard & there are so many unanswered questions. I think too, the internet makes life harder.
ReplyDeleteWe see peoples lives as perfect, but its what they want us to see. Hearing others talk about their perfect lives & the things they do can make one feel bored & unaccomplished. Sometimes it seems like everyone is getting married all at once, doesnt it? Ladies are in a tough spot, because they have to wait. Waiting is painful. Its so easy to say, "trust the Lord", but those are just words. Our flesh is weak & we are human. Be of good courage today, I hope you are doing better today :)
Times of loneliness are so very hard. I often tell my girls to read the Psalms, to read what David went through. He knew loneliness, he knew a lonely we cannot understand. He was in the dark, alone ~ fighting for his life. It was he & God Almighty. He had to do business with Him. David went through so many emotions in his lonely time, I can so relate to him & most people can. He cried out!
hang tight ~ I know those are just words & I know that words dont mean much when a sister is in a lonely spot. But, know I care. Know that I will pray for you. Its you & God, Vickie; just you two. Its all we have, its all we need, even thought we think we need more. He know what we need & He knows our agonies. He holds every tear in a bottle.
blessings to you ~ remember, hang tight ok?
Hugs to you Vicki! Hang in there my friend! GOD has great plans for your life. And I know it hurts right now. No words from any human being will help with that hurt. So I won't even try to say anything to make you feel better. Know that I am praying for you my friend, and have been the past several months. :) SMILE!!! :D
ReplyDeleteHugs to you you! {{{HUGSSS}}}
Angel
I will be praying for you today Vicki. I have been in that same place where I felt lonely and longed for a relationship with my opposite. I am glad my post today encouraged you and I will be praying for you and I both that the Savior of the world will hold our hearts right now. :)
ReplyDeleteIn Christ with love,
Rebecca
And this is another post where I wrote multiple comments in my head and then simply could not make that final step of typing them. :P And I know you are busy and better at the moment...but I also know this is one of those things that tends to come back around, so I will comment now when I have a chance and you can read it then. :)
ReplyDeleteIt's hard. Over and over again this summer, when people heard I was starting medical school this fall, their response was, So, do you ever want to get married? The first time I honestly just stared at the person, trying to figure out what they meant. And the more people asked, the easier it didn't get. Because I'm not choosing medical school over marriage. I'm going to medical school because that is the door God opened for me. (Or the doorway He pitched me through. XD) The sidewalk that leads to the long hallway with the marriage door somewhere at the end of it doesn't even have the lights on. In all honesty, my married-mother-of-5 mom gets more attention from guys than I do. And when my life slows down and I get a chance to take a breath...I know what you are feeling. It's not pretty and it's not fun.
One thing that has helped me, sad as it is, is that I know a lot of single girls. Smart, talented, flat-out gorgeous and incredibly sweet girls who aren't married. Yes, it is super weird when I hear about my younger friends getting married...but I have older friends who aren't married, despite being simply amazing women. You have to remember, it is not because you're not worth marrying that you are unmarried, no matter how hard Satan tries to imply it. Yes, there are things we need to work on...we're not perfect, and God does convict us as we work to be more like Him. But He does not send that guilt that nags and hurts and tangles us up inside. That is from Satan - and how long should we listen to him before we clap our hands over our ears screaming lies! and turn to the Truth that saves us? Hopefully not very long. :P The quicker we can replace those lies with truth, the better we are able to be who God made us to be.
God does have a perfect plan, and even if you mess up time and time again - the story He is writing for your life will still be amazing. *hugs you* and yes, we do have moods and hormones and days when life is perfect and days when we think it's awful...just remember on those days there are lots of people who know exactly what you're going through - you're not in this by yourself. :) I've been praying for you a lot the past month or so, and I am glad you're doing well. :) Being busy about the things God has put in our lives right now is definitely good. :D I hope your fall goes awesomely!