I don't pray enough. I don't read my Bible enough - I certainly don't read the Bible nearly as much as I watch TV. I don't like most Christian music - the musicianship of it never quite satisfies me the way top-notch classical or secular music does. I don't work hard enough at my homework, I don't take very good care of my body, I don't witness much at all, and I'm not as responsible with my money as I should be.
I idolize Tom Hiddleston and Josh Groban. I enjoy Star Wars and Star Trek and wear them on T-shirts and things, even though they both promote messages that are deliberately anti-Christ. I snap at my younger siblings. I spend way too much time thinking about getting married. I'm not very feminine or ladylike (I'm excited to go to class this week wearing my new Star Wars tee, my black geek glasses, and my Converse tennis shoes).
And then I read passages like:
... A good woman can be like a star of hope, a beacon-light, a peaceful retreat, to the man who is struggling against obstacles of the world. In her he can see the ideal purity and truth, and his manhood will strive to be worthy of her. But if she steps down from the path of true, virtuous womanhood and becomes petty or sinful, she will be his downfall. (Beautiful Girlhood, by Karen Andreola)
Eeah. I guess I'm causing the downfall of mankind, because I am definitely not a true, virtuous woman - I am most definitely petty and sinful.
In fact, I would say I'm a sloppy, smelly, hairy, green mess as a Christian.
How do I start improving such a laundry list of problems? I know I can't tackle all of them at the same time, or I'll never make any headway. Some of these problems are most decidedly out of my own strength to remedy, because I've tried for years and made absolutely no progress. The thing that's really hurt me today is my fleshly voice looking at that list and crying, But I don't want to change! I don't want to give up _______ and start _______ ing! I like my comfortable sloppy worldly life!
I really don't know what to do. I'm a mess and not a fit representative of the kingdom of God.
He loves me. That much I know. That much I will cling to: He loves me. Whatever else I am or am not, I am His, and He loves me. And He'll help me.
Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord.
I related so much to you in this post. I have been struggling with some of the same things lately. Your right though he still loves us!! God bless!!
ReplyDeleteI can relate to you so much Vicki! We are always going to fall short if we try to live this christian life by our own strength I have been learning. But if we confess our sins to the Lord and realize we have sinned and realize He has paid it all we can move on. You don't have to do it all, which is so awesome. Keep leaning on Jesus. I am saying this for myself too. Thank you so much for being honest with us. Praise the Lord He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.
ReplyDeleteLove in Christ,
Rebecca
Seriously, I'm so glad I found your blog. Your posts are always so relatable. I have to say I have some of the same thoughts about music as well. A lot of times "Christian" music is so uncreative and even the lyrics are usually shallow. So unless the lyrics are phenomenal (Casting Crowns for example--great lyrics...but not really creative music) I often opt for secular music which, if it's a band I listen to, will have amazing music. Well, that just struck a chord with me. haha chord...music...
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this 'cause I have a lot of the same struggles as well.
http://findingmyinspiration.blogspot.com/
There are soo many things I need to work on...and when I stop and look at them all...yeah, it is kind of rather overwhelming. (Especially the things I've been struggling with, like you said, for years.) I try to work on one thing...and get nowhere, because of all the other areas of my life that I'm failing at...I try to work on everything at once...and collapse in exhaustion over how much there is. It only seems to work when I forget everything else and just focus on Him. Which should be soooo much easier to remember and do than it is.
ReplyDeleteOh, thanks be to God indeed...because none of us are fit. That's the awful point. But He loves us anyway - by the grace of God, I am what I am: and His grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain; The Lord will perfect that which concerneth me... I am confident that He which began a good work in you and me will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ! He's not giving up, no matter how long it takes.
Thank you for the reminder that others are in the same place I am...and the encouragement to not get complacent in that place, but to move forward, seeking Him. *hugs* Praying for you!!