I sat in the next-to-top row of the lecture hall this afternoon, staring down at the professor with my mouth hanging open. All thirty rows of students below turned to look at me, waiting for my answer. I swallowed.
"Well?" the professor urged. "You said that it's inaccurate to state that religion is always negative and has never positively affected history. Now I want you to tell me one religion that has been good for people and never persecuted or killed anybody in all history."
I knew what I wanted to say, what is really true - that true Christianity, a born-again relationship with Jesus Christ, has always been good for everyone - but I knew that the professor would bring up the Crusades; so all that would come out was, "Well, I'm not saying that religious people haven't done horrible things in the name of religion in history, but I think it's unfair to say that all religions are exclusively bad. There is a big difference between people who claim a religion and people who actually live it out."
"That's exactly my point," the professor replied gleefully. "It's the devotees, you radicals who believe everything and go out and do these things! It's not the people who go to church on Easter and Christmas who are the problem, it's the people who believe every word in the Bible or the Quran and live their whole lives that way!"
My mouth went open and closed like a fish out of water. Because that's what I was. What do I say when someone says I'm a radical, the problem of the universe? I knew there was something I should say, some answer that skilled apologists would give; but I looked down at the inexorable professor and the gullible young students staring at me, and I couldn't find that answer.
I sat down.
And I got mad.
I've been mad all the rest of the day. I should know better than to let myself get stumped in an argument like that, even by a university professor. I've been surrounded by Biblical knowledge my whole life - rich Bible-based preaching; gentle heart-nurture from my parents and pastors; Creation science; apologetics; Christian textbooks that applied scientific and historical concepts to Biblical understanding.
I know this stuff. I've held debates with myself in bed at 2:00 in the morning over this stuff. I've devoured books on this stuff, of my own accord. So why, when I'm faced with an actual unbeliever who is calling me out on what I believe, does my tongue get tied and my brain turn to mush?
In 1 Peter 3:15, it says "But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an
answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you
with meekness and fear".I definitely wasn't ready today.
Why not?
That's what I asked myself as I stalked angrily across campus scowling at everyone who shot quizzical looks my way. Why wasn't I ready? Supposedly, I live for moments like that. Supposedly, I'm a strong Christian with a passion for evangelization. Right?
Well, I thought about that for a while, and the Holy Spirit started to bring me an inkling of the truth. You see, I've been very human for the last year or so. I've worked very hard, and I've been very tired. I have come home from work, scarfed my dinner, and thrown myself down on the couch to ... watch TV. Read novels. Listen to music.
Not seek out a sermon. Not read my Bible. Not come onto Blogger and read the deep theology that many of you post. :-)
I haven't practiced sharing the Gospel out loud with people - I make it known to my close classmates that I am a Christian, but I rarely or never tell them what that really means and why Jesus is so important to me. I tell myself I'm too busy to go to Bible study groups on campus anymore. I've been catching up on sleep most Sunday mornings this semester, and busy Sunday evenings with homework.
Someone once said that our hearts are like sponges. I see that now. When I'm not soaking myself in truth, there will be no truth to run out when I'm squeezed.
I was squeezed today, and nothing came out.
I'm mad, and I hope and pray that this is the beginning of a massive heart-change for me. God, I want to be used by You to reach this world. I really, really do. Please, help me to live like it. Help me to fill myself with truth so that when I'm squeezed - when I'm even just jostled - the truth and love of Christ will come spilling out of me.
Soli Deo gloria,
Vicki
Ouch... that hurts. And I know I'm right there with you - God has really been working with me in getting back into memorizing Scripture, spending more time in prayer (which I have been really, really struggling with), and realizing how badly I need to find a church that is actually going to feed me. It is SO hard to find a good church! I kind of quit the one I was going to when the pastor said you could be a Satan-worshiper and still be saved. As in at the same time. *bangs head against a wall*
ReplyDeleteI will say, though, in a classroom setting you as a student are always at a disadvantage - the professor controls the situation so much more easily, and they are pretty much just waiting to pounce on anyone with a different answer on those issues. Which is not to say we are not supposed to be just as ready and just as able to defend what we believe... *sigh*
Praying God can use us both where He has placed us!
Oh Vickie! I am so glad you are allowing the Lord to use this for you. I can totally relate--I remember discussing "The Grapes of Wrath" in an English class; I remember the comparing of JC to Jesus Christ. I remember being too afriad to say such bolona was exactly that.
ReplyDeleteAnd your post has encouraged and challenged me.
It's so true that we are like sponges and I too hope to improve what I soak in so when squeezed truth will come out. I will be praying for you as you allow the Lord to work this into your life!
Your sister in Christ, Frannie