In the crossroads, in the fog

I am really struggling badly this week ... I feel like everything in my life is changing all at once, and the harder I try to hang onto the Lord and trust Him for peace and rest, the higher the waves of anxiety and fear and panic crash against me and threaten to throw me over the edge.

I've started this blog post at least eight or nine times and keep choking on it and deleting it. I can't seem to describe everything that's going on - viewed from the outside, it all looks good and quite manageable, things like visiting a new church, applying to a new program, and building relationships with new friends; but felt from the inside, I feel like a raging hurricane of violent emotions wrestled and squeezed into a very small, very weak, very scared little body.

People are noticing and privately texting me to ask if I'm okay. I say yes, I'm okay. But am I?

No. I'm not okay. Not really.

I'm scared. There is so much hanging in the balance based on what I do about these three huge choices facing me. I know that God is in control of my future; I keep running back to His promises to guide my steps and make my paths straight; in my heart, I know that He is guiding today's decisions just as He has so gently guided my stumbling footsteps in the past. But my heart is not speaking to my feelings right now. They are frantic, panicked, out of control.

What if I mess up? What if I make the wrong choice? What if I say the wrong thing? What if I make the wrong move and permanently mess up my life?

There is no way to know.

That's the hard part. If I could look at each of these decisions and say, "If I decide to do A, then B will happen; and if I decide to do X, then Y will happen", then everything would be easy. I could look at the two outcomes, decide which one would be most conducive to God's glory and my happiness, and make a choice. But I don't get to see that. I am standing at a crossroads with a heavy fog hanging over both paths, and I have to make my choices based on what I think, expect, and hope lies within that fog.

***

The one thing I know: GOD IS THERE. God is within the fog. God is within the fog; He is within the hurricane; He is within the sunshine that lies on the other side of the cloud and within the fog that hangs over the next crossroads, and the next. God is there. God knows what lies down each path.

I have faced decisions like these before; I have been terrified like this before. Every time, I made what I thought was the very best decision, based on Scripture and the guidance of my parents and counselors, and every time He worked through my choice. Have I messed up? Oh, yes, I certainly have! But I survived! I learned! I learned things about God and about myself that I wouldn't have learned the same way if I had chosen a different path - because God directs my steps and even if I make a "wrong turn," He has a lesson waiting there to make me stronger and draw me deeper into His arms.

God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, and of power, and of a sound mind. No matter what my feelings say, I need to believe that I can trust Him to lead me through the decisions; through the sad partings and shy beginnings; and yes, even through the mistakes and bad choices that I know I'm going to make. He already has those accounted for in His plan for my life, they will not surprise Him, and He will pick me up and hug me close and gently set me down on the right path again.

And who knows? Maybe I'll make the right choices.  :-)