snippets of real life

It's another cool, rainy Independence Day in my part of the Midwest, and I am relaxing in the softest of workout clothes with my cold feet propped up on one of the bins that is packed and ready to move to my new apartment.

Not that I'm ready, of course - quite the opposite. I am one month away from the big day, and realizing with terror that, in addition to calling banks and Internet companies to notify them of my new address, I need to hurry up and get my life's possessions into some semblance of order so I can drag them into my dad's truck and lug them up the stairs of my new home. I need to start mapping out my floor plan so I can see what other furniture I need besides a futon, a bed, and some chairs. And I need to make those all-important budgeting, cleaning, laundry, and cooking plans so I don't wake up one morning and realize that life has gone to seed in my mental absence.

One of my (much, much younger) friends grinned at me all through that litany of worries, and when I asked what was funny, he laughed and said "Now, look at you being all grown up!"

Funny words coming from a virtual child, but he's right.  :-)  I have a lot on my mind lately - besides moving, I want to celebrate my 15-pound weight loss by learning to lift weights and eat more healthfully. I joined the email list of NerdFitness.com this week, and I'm going to call the gym tomorrow and get a consultation with a personal trainer to help me start properly. I look slimmer on the outside, but I'd love to improve my strength and energy levels on the inside, too.

Spiritually, I have two areas that I need to work on right now ... the first is continuing to heal from my anger and bitterness over what happened during the school year. I was feeling low yesterday and started to throw a pity party about it again, but was quickly cut short by a "Vicki? Get over it. It's over, it's done with, no one cares anymore. You need to grow up and suck it up and move on. Get your head in the present." I was shocked and initially hurt; but I realized that she was right. There is a season for healing, but just as with a sprain or scar tissue, it's important to keep exercising and moving while I heal, not just sit and mope and expect to get better. So I'm trying hard to embrace my new direction and only think about last year when I have to, and then dwell on the positive parts, not the negatives.

My other spiritual task is to simply remember how much God loves me, and to remember that I love Him. This sounds simplistic; but after spending time recently with a dear friend who simply radiates and showers the peaceful love of God everywhere she goes, it made me take a hard look at my own shadowy heart and realize that I have been falling back on relating to Him through fear and shame, not love. In time, journeying back to peace must include greater self-discipline in guarding my devotion time and spending more time in prayer; but for now, I'm trying to let go of the guilty weight that says "you're not good enough" and respond with a breath of "you're right, I'm not - but He is, and He loves me and has chosen me".

And lastly, you may have noticed (*ahem* or they may not, you self-absorbed thing) that I removed several of my more personal posts regarding the guy friend. This is part of the moving-on process, too. I miss him and think of him every day; but standing and hanging wistfully over my balcony with baited breath will not bring him back. It's time for me to accept that if he wants to be part of my life, he will make an effort to do so - he knows he is more than welcome. But I can't keep looking back over my shoulder and wondering if he's coming or not. Life is too short to keep going back and reading a closed chapter over and over - I need to focus on writing this one carefully, prayerfully, and with all my heart; and I can't do that if I'm living in the dreams of the past.

***

I have a busy second half of the summer ahead of me, as you can see - and I haven't even mentioned the other everyday things like work, shopping, new babies, weddings, and travel! Lots of things are changing quickly and it's hard to keep up at times, and I'm definitely noticing the effects and aftereffects of stress on my body; but the changes are toward better days and I am excited for what the fall semester will hold.

What's changing in your life these days? Are you riding the waves and catching some sun ... or flailing underneath your overturned surfboard ... or like me, clinging to the board for dear life as the waves smash over my head?  :-)

Hugs and love and lots of summer sunshine and cookouts and fireflies to you, my dears!!

~ Vicki