I'm so tired lately.
I feel like I can never be the kind of Christian I want to be. I know in my head that I'm supposed to rest in God's finished work and trust Him to complete my sanctification in His own time; but I see the wreckage of self-will, rebellion, bitterness, covetousness, discontentment, doubt, and fear that fills my heart and mind, and I feel like I just have to do something to clean it up.
I purge my iPod of all secular music. I force myself to memorize Bible verses. I plaster Bible verses all over my Facebook page.
Nothing works.
Sometimes I look at my heart and really, truly struggle to see any evidence at all of God's hand on it. I've continued to pick at my strange attitudes about men and marriage, like picking at a scab, and have exposed a festering wound of bitterness - bitterness against men for being so inscrutable and unavailable when I'm lonely; bitterness against my married friends for blooming so joyfully under the protection of their husbands; and bitterness against myself for being old and not fitting into the culturally desirable model of beauty. I haven't regularly attended church in years, and I've picked that down to the wound of superiority - feeling like, because I know the Scriptures better than most of the recent converts in college groups, I'm too spiritual to waste time sitting through sermons that cover issues I've known for years. I've picked at my shyness and loneliness and discovered selfishness and a rampant imagination that often has me imprisoned in a glass cage, barred from interacting with real people in the real world.
Can such a heart truly be covered by Christ's blood?
Sometimes the fact that I can and do still ask these questions is my only hope that I do belong to Him. An unbeliever wouldn't be asking these things. Only a child of God who underneath everything still longed to please Him would be dismally poking at this mess of a life and trying to find some evidence of His handiwork.
How many witnessing opportunities have I messed up by talking about Tom Hiddleston instead of Christ's work in my life? What kind of example am I setting when I push away my little brothers' requests for attention and play another round of "Farm Heroes Saga"? How can I make any kind of impact for Christ when I spend hours on Pinterest and minutes in the Word?
I'm so tired.
Dear Vickie,
ReplyDeleteAh, my heart aches for you because I too have been struggling with these exact same thoughts. Last night I cried in bed partly because of this. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm not supposed to. It is in those moments when I quietly cry out to God and say, "I don't feel like reading your Word; I don't feel like I love You; I don't feel like I am even interested in You. I don't feel, Lord. What am I to do?" And each time (whether I'm imagining it or not) I think God tells my heart in His soft and quiet way, "I've got you, Frannie. Just hold on a bit longer. Praise Me. Rejoice in Me. And love Me when you don't feel like loving. I've got You. You are in my vision and You are in my sight."
It's the same way for you too, dear. Keep on holding on. He always carries His children.
I understand the feeling, having struggled with similar thoughts and feelings, and more recently having new spiritual struggles as I worry about myself becoming more complacent...sending prayers and hugs your way!
ReplyDelete~Vicki
decked out in ruffles
*hugs*
ReplyDelete"Our calling is not primarily to be holy men and women, but to be proclaimers of the Gospel of God. The one thing that is all important is that the Gospel of God should be realized as the abiding Reality. Reality is not human goodness, nor holiness... but Redemption... Personal holiness is an effect, not a cause, and if we place our faith in human goodness, in the effect of Redemption, we shall go under when the test comes." - Oswald Chambers
And I don't know if this one is helpful or not...but it's a harsher one from him that has gotten my attention before when I find myself taken aback by the mess that is myself.
"As long as our eyes are upon our own personal whiteness, we shall never get near the reality of Redemption... 'What I want is anything God can do for me to make me more desirable in my own eyes.' To talk in that way is a sign that reality of the Gospel of God has not begun to touch me; there is no reckless abandon to God. God cannot deliver me while my interest is merely in my own character."
And like the quote about for every look at self, take ten looks at Christ - we can work as hard as is humanly possible and we will never make ourselves right. But like Paul said, I am confident that the One who began the good work in you will continue it until His return. Look to Him. He is our Hope, our Confidence, our everything. To look at ourself can be overwhelmingly discouraging...look to Him and know He is able. I see His work in you even simply from your blog...and believe me, I know who wretched it is to look at a week (even to look at this morning...) and see where I've failed again in things I've been struggling with for years. But as someone quoted to me this week - Count it all joy when you fall into temptation. That is a hard word...but this is a fallen world, and until we are reunited face to face with our Lord, we will be tempted. You know where you have sinned...but you will be tempted again, and this time there can be victory. He is perfecting us...and it sometimes seems a one step forward, two steps back process...which is why all we can do is run to Him, however many times it takes. As soon as we look away we start sinking like Peter trying to walk on water.
and I'm sorry...this is a rambley mess of thoughts I've been thinking to myself that when I read this I thought might be encouraging to you also...maybe once I have finals out of the way in the next two weeks I'll get a chance to think through my thoughts and get them slightly more straightforward and logical...but I'm praying for you!
Back again :]
ReplyDeleteI am so thankful for your life Vickie and I praise God for steadfastly holding you in His hand! I stumbled across these verses today and thought they may be helpful for they helped me in my storm of misty emotions.
Phil 1:3-6
"I thank my God for you upon every rememberance of you, always in every prayer ... For your fellowship in the gospel from that first day until now; Being confidant of this ~very thing~ that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:"
Phil 3: 12-14
"Not as- though I [Paul] had already attained [perfection], either were already perfect: but I follow after ... Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended [perfection]: but this one thing I do, *forgetting those things which are behind, and ~reaching~ forth unto those things which are before. I ~press~ toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus."
Phil 4:1
"Therefore, my brethren [my sister], dearly beloved and longed for, my joy and my crown, ... standfast in the Lord ..."
Phil 4:6
"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which ~passeth all understanding~ shall keep your heart sand minds through Christ Jesus."
I know that you know all of these verses but they were big encouragements to me today.
With lots of love and thankfulness for who you are in Christ!!
Frannie