Complicated

Navigating through this life is a lot more complicated than I thought it would be.

Life seemed so simple when I perched on my little chair in Sunday school and listened to the lesson. Don't lie. Don't cheat. Don't steal. Obey your parents, brush your teeth and eat your vegetables. Sure, I thought. I got this. Piece of cake.

When I got to high school, it still seemed simple. Save your purity for marriage. Don't consume alcohol, drugs, or rock music. Dress modestly. Wait and practice your homemaking skills until the right man comes along sometime around your nineteenth or twentieth birthday, and then you'll fall in love and get married and everything will be peachy. Sure, I thought. I got this. Piece of cake.

Except it's not.


I may not struggle with alcohol or lack of femininity, and I somehow manage to eat my vegetables, but life isn't nearly as cut-and-dried as it seemed like it would be. I never thought it would be possible to find myself singing along with pop and hard rock songs, yet they've become as necessary to my daily functioning as my high doses of caffeine. The thought of being attracted to a man who wasn't a Christian sounded absurd, and yet now I know it's dangerously possible. Dressing modestly always seemed easy, but when I'm surrounded by long, bare legs all day, the whisper to show a little skin gets louder than I ever thought it would.

But this complexity goes beyond temptation to sin, too. Whoever would have thought that the guy who drinks and curses could also be delightfully chivalrous? Who would think that the sweet, dedicated Christian girl could annoy the daylights out of you? Who would guess that you could be faced with the choice to go to work early and get things done or sit quietly in the sun and refresh your mind to be more productive - and there would be no right answer?

Life is complicated, and it doesn't always have one right answer.

I never could have believed that I would be in this college, doing the things I'm doing now. I'm twenty-five years old (yes, I had a birthday) - I thought surely I'd be married with several children by now, living in a nice peaceful little house, taking my little ones on field trips and finally mastering the art of keeping a home. Instead, I'm getting up early to go to a lab and test people's ears, staying out late to help lead meetings in Spanish, and trying to find time in between to go to class, hang out with awesome Christian friends, and work behind the scenes to support autism and fight abortion. No husband, peaceful cottage, or homeschooled little ones in sight.

But I have to say, even with all the complexities and perplexities that the world contains when it isn't completely black and white, I wouldn't want it any other way. It forces me to walk closer to Christ and rely more on His presence when my path is dappled with shades of gray than it does when it's in stark shadows of black and white. When I know something is right or wrong, I can choose the right on my own. But when I come up against situations that are a mixture, a mystery, or a choice between two equally good or bad things, then I'm forced to rely on the guidance of the Holy Spirit and the principles of Scripture to guide me through.

Life certainly isn't easy. But I'm loving it.