Lost

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"Have you changed much in the last five years?"

If someone asked me this - say, someone whom I hadn't seen in five years - I would say "no, I'm about the same" ... things in my life have changed, but inside, I'm still the same person.

Sometimes, though, I get a feeling that that's not actually true. Fundamentally, I think I have changed in five years; and I'm not sure that all of the changes have been for the better.

I was driving last night along a road I knew well - the road that used to take me to the fundamental Baptist church I attended as a teenager. Going that way always gets me feeling sentimental, but last night it was especially sharp. Would they even recognize me now? Of course my hair is shorter, I wear makeup and jeans, and I work outside the home and go to college; but on that road last night, I probed myself deeper - I've also become tougher, more confident, more phony, more calloused to the things of the world. I laugh at things that I never would have thought were funny. I enjoy music that would have made me cover my ears in horror. I neglect my talents in a way that would have made me weep.

I try to comfort myself with, "Well, at least my core values haven't changed." But I'm not so sure about that, either. When I graduated from high school five years ago, I didn't want to go to college at all, because I hoped to get married young like most of my friends did, and start a family and be a homeschooling mom. Yet this desire was not the calendar-checking obsession that it often is now - my heart was very still and quiet, and I was very focused on knowing and growing in the Lord. My passions back then were my family, my music, my writing, and my relationship with God - I took time to cultivate my skills in those areas. Now I stagger half-asleep through each day, doing the very bare minimum until I can collapse exhausted and zonk out in front of Pinterest every evening.

When I look at myself, I'm not sure I like what I see. I've grown a shell around myself that doesn't let very many people inside, and the heart inside that shell is not what it should be - it's selfish, apathetic, lazy, and worldly. I spend my day chasing knowledge, respect, and achievement, rather than wisdom, humility, and service. I come before the Lord every evening for devotions, trying to peel off the shell and bitterly ashamed of what He sees when He looks inside.

Yes, I've changed in five years. I don't think I'd like for the people in my old church to see me the way I am now.

Heavenly Father, bring me back to the innocent faith and quiet fellowship that You and I shared five years ago. Make me tender, holy, humble, and wise. Help me to find myself - and in doing so, to find You - once more.