fear not.

My bracelet came today!

I ordered this beautiful bracelet from MudLove.com last week, and I specifically chose the phrase "Fear Not" because fear is something I have always struggled with. It was an ironic discovery when I first made it around the age of thirteen or fourteen - I who had written so many high-spirited novels about fearless teen adventurers, I who dreamed of being a medical missionary pilot in Alaska, I who believed I was ready to face anything, was actually afraid of everything. 

I was very shy. I was afraid to pursue opportunities that looked challenging or that could involve failure. I was afraid of moving away from home. I was afraid of everything that didn't guarantee me a very good chance of succeeding brilliantly and being better than everyone else.

That attitude of fear has not left me. I may not be so shy anymore, but it is still rare for me to attempt something that has a higher than minimal chance of failure, danger, or embarrassment. The most courageous thing I've ever done was competed in a classical piano competition and earned my yellow belt in karate. I've never traveled anywhere without some member of my family nearby; I've never attempted a class that I thought I could fail (until anatomy this semester); and there are still many, many people whom I would love to talk to, but am afraid of being embarrassed or looking stupid.

But do you know what fear is? It's unbelief. It's looking at the feeble impotence of my own strength, without then turning my gaze to the vast, majestic depths of my Father's power. Fear is refusing to believe that God is right at my side, and that He is more than capable of defeating what threatens me and empowering me to take on any challenge.

After reading The Pursuit of God, I have come to desperately long for a deeper relationship with the Lord. I don't want to worship Him as a Being, terrible and vague and distant, no more than a black Word printed on a white page. I want to worship Him as a Person - I want to know Him, to delight in making Him happy, to hear His voice, to be so filled with love for Him that it is a joy to follow Him into the valley of the shadow of death because I know, better than I know my own name, that He is with me.

The first step to that kind of relationship, as for any relationship, is to stop being afraid. Fear is the enemy of faith. My Father loves me too much for me to be afraid - He wants me to trust Him, to release myself and let Him hold me, to enjoy my life because He is watching over me. I believe it hurts Him when I am afraid, because He has everything under control and wants me to just rest and focus on being with Him and loving Him, not to worry and strive and try to control the things I'm not supposed to control. Just as I rest on a long car trip and let my dad worry about where we're going and how we'll get there, so I should feel just as safe and relaxed every day of my life, knowing that the Lord knows where I'm going and how to get me there safely.

Fear not. My MudLove band is to remind me to stop being afraid - it's not a stern warning to buck up and quit being a scaredy-cat, but a gentle encouragement to just rest and look into the loving face of Jesus. His arms are around me, and not one shadow can fall across me without His permission. I want to move forward in bold faith from now on, because my heart is at rest in His care.

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Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. 

~ Isaiah 41:10