The way I should go

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Hi there!! I wish you could see me - I'm pretending to be a REAL BLOGGER today! I'm sitting in a coffee shop on my netbook and listening to ambient electronic music and wistfully watching people hurry by outside and everything!

*cheesy grin*

This gray, cloudy morning looks sad and gloomy from where I sit in my warm (too-tall) chair, but actually, this is just the second morning in the last two weeks that I have woken up feeling calm and "normal," not sledgehammered with anxiety and panic the moment I lifted my head from the pillow. It all started with a miscommunication that drastically changed how I viewed someone close to me for a little while; and even though it turned out to be false, it's amazing how one little conversation, even one little word, can completely turn your world upside down when you're already stressed and nervous.

Since then, it has been a daily struggle to tame my fear and my need to control everything in my life, to shun jealousy and a spirit of selfish competition, and to genuinely trust that God is going to make my life a beautiful story of His love and grace. It has been very difficult, to say the least. I have not been eating, sleeping, or taking care of my body correctly, and I am barely hanging onto my homework with the tips of my fingers. There have been hours when all that I had to rest on was only hope, because even faith was fading.

But multiple times this year already, God has brought me back to the verse that one of my mentors claimed for me early this year:

You see, all my life, I have tended to focus on the command portions of these verse. Trust. Lean not. Acknowledge. More "to-do" items to add to the long list of things a good Christian is supposed to remember and do.

But this year, and especially these last two weeks, God has been gently opening my heart to the beautiful promise part of this verse. And He shall direct your paths. 

He shall. He shall. That's not a "maybe," that's not a "hope so," that's not a check-off-all-these-items-and-bring-them-back-to-me-and-then-we'll-talk-about-it. That is a PROMISE. HE SHALL DIRECT YOUR PATHS.

And in light of that promise, the command portions of the verse suddenly take on a completely different tone - rather than being check-off items that we must complete if we want to unlock the benefit of His guidance, they are an encouragement to let go of all of our anxious nail-biting at the daily crossroads of our lives, and just to acknowledge that He is in control and He understands so, so much more than our finite minds can comprehend in those moments.

Instead of staring at my phone on Saturday night and wondering if that nice guy will be at church the next morning (yes, that's really the crux of what all this anxiety has been about), I can acknowledge that God sees and gently carries my hopes and fears, and rest in knowing that He is writing my story and that He will make the next chapter full of His beauty and light - whether that involves someone walking through life by my side, or my enjoying another year of unhindered basking in His grace. And with that simple acknowledgement, He sets His promise of guidance and direction in motion.

Instead of lying in bed and agonizingly analyzing everything I said and did over the course of the day, and weeping over the decisions I know I'll have to make tomorrow, I can simply commit my words and actions to Him, repent of the ones I know are sinful, and trust Him to weave the rest into something that reveals His sweet fragrance in my life.

***

Trust is hard. It's so much "easier," in human terms, to nervously stick our hands into a situation and work everything out ourselves - like I have been doing way too much of lately. But my understanding is so tiny compared to His understanding, and I can't see the end before the beginning, the way He can. If I want the back cover of my life-book to close on a beautiful, joyful, Spirit-overflowing life, as I do, then the best thing to do is to simply turn off the phone, get off of Facebook, and retreat to the safe garden place of His rest and care.

And He will direct {my} paths.

***

What about you? I know you're having to trust God for hard things in your life lately, too - how is the struggle going for you, to remember that He has your story all planned and is writing up something beautiful in your life? I pray that God would remind you every day that He loves you so, so very much and that He is more than willing to take the burden of worry and control off of you, so that you can relax and enjoy seeing where each day takes you. Stay strong, my brothers and sisters!!

Hugs and love (from my little coffee-shop stool!),

Vicki