Reaching out of myself

"Let him who cannot be alone beware of community. ... 
Let him who is not in community beware of being alone. ... 
Each by itself has profound perils and pitfalls. One who wants fellowship without solitude plunges into the void of words and feelings, and the one who seeks solitude without fellowship perishes in the abyss of vanity, self-infatuation and despair." 
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer

***

I've been wallowing in the "abyss of vanity, self-infatuation and despair" for a really long time, and it's been really difficult to commit myself to crawling out of it and getting involved in church again. I've got a lot of emotional barriers that I've constructed over the years to avoid letting people into my heart and life - feelings of inferiority that make me bitter and defensive; also feelings of superiority (go figure) that make me bored and negligent. Laziness and unwillingness to get involved in new friendships, because I'm happy with the ones I've got. Difficulty stopping the unceasing rattling train wreck of thoughts in my scattered brain, making it hard to think of other people because I'm always dancing around the craziness inside myself.

I know it's really important to stay involved with our new church and to really start getting connected with people. But it's really hard to keep my narcissistic, introverted self from just going "meh."

I listened to this old Supertramp song tonight and it made me very thoughtful. The ways it applies to me are actually quite frighteningly accurate:

Right at the very end of the song, there is a bad word used as an adjective, but you can stop the song before hearing that and you won't miss anything important.

It's written from the other side - the singer is talking to the girl who won't let anyone in, and trying desperately to show her that the way to escape the cold loneliness and isolation that are making her old is not to have someone else come and find her and love her, like she thinks it is, but to reach out to other people and love them, and thereby open up her own heart. And as I listened to it, I realized that while the song was not written from a Scriptural perspective, the underlying concept is sound - it isn't through sitting inside ourselves and waiting to be loved that we find true fellowship and joy; it is through reaching out to others and bringing them joy, just as Jesus did.

Father, please help me to turn my attitude around, and to look around for people who need love and friendship and prayer, rather than sitting in my little corner and waiting for someone to come find me!!

Love,
Vicki