It can be easy to "settle" mentally for the thought of marrying someone less than what I really want in a future husband.
What I mean is, when I see my friends all around me getting engaged and married and wonder when (or, more often, if) my time will come, I start mentally reviewing the things I am looking for in my future husband and wonder if I could maybe fudge on those a little bit.
Sure, I want him to be a man, not a boy ... but maybe I could deal with it if he were at least on the way to becoming a man.
Sure, I want him to be as in love with the Lord as I am ... but maybe it would be okay as long as he was pretty close.
Sure, I want him to be at least as educated/intelligent as me and enjoy discussing and working with abstract topics ... but maybe a concrete thinker wouldn't be too bad, or maybe I could get used to him.
Normally, I'm very strong in my independence and my commitment to waiting for just the kind of man I want (maybe too strong? more thoughts on that another time). But when I meet a good-looking guy in class, or listen to a friend talk about what fun she has with her boyfriend, or scroll quietly through someone else's engagement pictures, then the doubts start to creep in.
What if I'm too picky? What if I'm unrealistic? What if my man only exists in an Austen novel or a Disney movie?
Then it seems like I would be better off to "settle." Yeah, he's immature, but at least he's a Christian ... yeah, he's a little less churched than I would like, but at least he gets along well with his parents ... yeah, we share virtually no interests, but at least he would be able to financially support me ...
No.
I say no. I don't want to settle for someone who will not lead me higher and closer to the Lord. I don't want to settle for someone who will not challenge me, help me grow, and have ways in which I can do the same for him.
I know the kind of man I'm looking for is hard to find, but he does exist, and I'm not going to get impatient and let my desperation push me into a mediocre, "meh" relationship.
I want a marriage that is spectacular, not average. I want to marry a man whom I respect, admire, look up to, and am excited about being with. I want my children to have an awesome father.
Does he have to be perfect or superhuman? Absolutely not - if he were, he wouldn't be interested in someone like me! Each of us has flaws, and I will do my best to help my future husband get stronger in his faith and relationship with Christ, just as I know he'll do for me. But what I mean is, if I settle for a man whom I don't look up to, whom I don't understand or respect, just because I'm tired of being alone ... I will be doing a huge disservice to him and to myself.
I'm holding out for a hero.
I'm holding out for a man who is radically in love with the Lord and isn't afraid to let people know it. I'm holding out for a man who has not compromised with this sinful culture, even though he seems old-fashioned. I'm holding out for a man who is a man, not a boy, not a "guy," not a man-child who lives only to please himself - a man who gives his time and energy to help others, a man who protects the vulnerable, a man who is willing to stand up for himself and for his family. That's what makes a hero in my book.
There aren't very many heroes today - truly, there haven't been many in any age. But a man doesn't have to be big and outgoing and world-shaking to be a hero, either. It's heroic to give up a Sunday afternoon to watch your sister's kids for a few hours. It's heroic to tell the classmates or coworkers you care about that you still believe abortion and homosexuality are sins. It's heroic to dare to ask a girl's father if it's okay to take her out.
That's what I'm looking for. That's my hero.
He might not be Captain America - he might be small, geeky, soft-spoken, and shy. That's fine by me. He's my hero ... and I will wait and save my heart for him.
I really, really like this. A lot :) May I use it on my blog & link it back to you? If so, let me know :) Good stuff! Truly a blessing :D
ReplyDeletefamiglia10@gmail.com
send me the link to this post if you are interested.
Love this!! Such a blessing! ♥
ReplyDeleteGreat post!! Thanks for writing from your heart because it went straight to mine.
ReplyDeleteJust got your comment on my blog. Thank you and so nice to meet you! =) I'm excited to get to know you better. AND I'VE SEEN THE HIGH KIGNS SEVEN TIMES IN CONCERT. haha. They are the awesome-est! =D So glad you like them too. Go see them live if you haven't.
ReplyDeleteJust doing a little blog hopping...then I find this post. I've been having so many of the same thoughts recently (partly because I'm in my best friend's wedding next week and I'm just over here all single...) and it was nice to see these thoughts written out like this. I really appreciate seeing someone who is struggling with similar things. I don't want "meh" I want awesome, but sometimes I just wonder if I'll ever find it. I've gone on dates with boys (you know...age wise they're men...but maturity?) and I'm just tired of it! Where are the men??? Anyways...thanks so much for writing this.
ReplyDeletePS I was homeschooled too :)
http://findingmyinspiration.blogspot.com/
Amen. And I wrote a post during school on a generally similar subject that I never got around to actually putting on my blog...but I think I will, soon.
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to start thinking there is not such thing... but there is and it is worth waiting for. :) Thank you for posting this!
I don't normally comment when I come across personal blogs of people I don't know, but your story reminds me of my own so much that I just had to.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love your honesty. If I read my own writing before I met my boyfriend, it is SO similar ... and he was definitely worth waiting for!
But because I relate so much, I wanted to add a few comments that I wish someone had told me a couple years ago. I don't want to project on you TOO much, haha, but maybe some of your readers might relate even if it doesn't apply to you.
1. Don't worry, you aren't in a waiting room ... you're in the operating room. There is no stage of life - childhood, singleness, dating, marriage, widowhood - that isn't a source of sanctification. Each chapter will give you a special perspective of Christ's character and your identity as His daughter. Learn all you can while you're there!
2. Defining what you want: I spent an incredible amount of time defining the sort of man I wanted to marry. But at the end of the day, if you are focused on Christ, that is all you need. The right man will remind you of the One you love most. Sometimes we like fictional characters because they actually remind us of Him too, but other times it's a bit more indulgent!
You don't want to be the girl from The Killers' song: "He doesn't look a thing like Jesus / but he talks like a gentleman / like you imagined / when you were young."
(The awesome thing is that every Christian is the recipient of supernatural transformation ... so you can count on a "superhero" if that's how you look at it. ;) )
3. A warning about side effects: here is the most difficult lesson I've learned, and I am still struggling with it now. Like you, I had "high standards" and worried about being "too picky." And I wouldn't discourage you from being discerning and patient, when it comes to dating.
But be very careful that the combination of high standards (no doubt for your own life as well as a potential spouse) and a desire to be married don't distort your application of the Gospel in other areas in your life. Those factors used to trigger such disappointment and even disgust in my heart when I interacted with "boys" or even other young women who seemed shallow or immodest next to my "high standards" of manhood and womanhood.
It is natural to feel grief when the image of Christ is distorted, but I felt such conviction when I realized that my desire to be married was blocking me from giving grace to my peers.
I relate so much to the man in Matthew 18 who, after being forgiven a debt of ten thousand, went out and throttled another man who owed him a small amount. I have no right to add to the law, to create a standard that allows me to measure out respect, attention, and love, based on merit. Have I forgotten so quickly what I have received?
Again, being discerning about a future spouse is wise, I only want to caution against the "where have all the good MEN gone?" attitude when we relate to our brothers.
When God confronted Adam in the garden, Adam pointed at Eve and blamed the woman God had given him. But Christ came for a bride who fully deserved blame and took it upon Himself. That same desire for holiness plus overwhelming grace that defines His relationship with us can be reflected in all our relationships - not just the one that ends in marriage - and THAT is the attitude that saves us from being "too picky."
... Wow, I don't think I've ever written so much in a blog comment! I guess that's what happens when you trigger my fantasy of talking to my former self!
I'd love your thoughts.